I'm a bad blogger but I've a mighty God.

Ugh. I didn't think I'd let myself go well over a month without blogging.

Anyway. I have a button to the left of my blog, for baby Stellan. He has a serious heart condition that has put him in the hospital (again) and he is fighting just to stay out of heart failure and to stay alive. If you haven't been there, please check out the blog but, most importantly, pray for baby Stellan, for his family, and pray the doctors have wisdom int he best way to treat this sweet baby!

Now, where have I been? Gee, you live in survival mode for months at a time when something like cancer hits your life, then crisis ends, and suddenly you crash and burn. That is what I did! More than that though,when my Dad got the remission words, I was in total shock and disbelief. I waited for the other shoe to drop. ANd, believe it or not, I got ANGRY with God.

When I was 15, and I experienced the first loss of someone important to me, I clung to Jesus for all it was worth, and he brought me through that grief. Just the other day I drew out the journal that brought me through the first few months of that loss, and I am astounded at who I am today compared to who I was then.

What I did not realize was the attitude I came out of that experience with, one that is NOT from God: I can deal with death. Death is a "final" out come. It doesn't reverse itself. Yah. Ok, so let me explain. We my Dad was diagnosed, I was CONVINCED he was going to die. I told myself the Andrew dying when I was nearly 15 was God's way of preparing me for this loss, as a young adult. I thought that the fact my Uncle had THE SAME cancer , in the SAME location 7 years ago, and died from it, was Gods way of preparing me that my Dad would die. Not to mention, the odds we were given were just NOT good. When taking my Dad to treatments, I met many people who had much less severe cancers (by that I mean an earlier stage, or a higher survival rate), or who had a much less aggressive treatment plan, being on the verge of dying. THey were very ill. In my mind, all this was to prepare me for my Dads death.

Then... we were told he was in remission. And I got angry. I don't know what remission will mean for our future. I wonder if it means God will work on both my parents hearts, and some day my Mom will move back IN the home. I wonder if it means GOds giving my Dad yet another reason to not just speculate Christ but trully embrace him, and abandon his heart and life to Him. Maybe God is giving me an opportunity to get more established financiallys so that when my Dad IS gone, I will be able to care for myself, and my Mom.

The biggest reason for my anger, and my fear... is "Dear Lord, now the future is UNKOWN!". The was my heart cry. Because once you "have cancer" you kind of always have it, yoru just either active or inactive. Your in remission or your in relapse. And...WILL my dad relapse? What if he does? When will he? Will get through it a 2nd time? Will he even TRY? Will he be saved by then? Will he get to hold my children? Will he be at my wedding? Will he... what if... then what?....

And my fear, may anger caused me not to seek out my God. I suprised at how quickly not communing with him on a regular basis made me ashamed of who I was behind closed doors, and even in the wide open. I am ashamed of things I have done and said and even things I did not do, to my Dad, to my Aunt, to myself, to others. I shut down in a way I've never done before. In the past I've hit "rough patches" or "dry times" but... it usually included ONE or two of: Not praying, not reading the word, not going to church.... it has never been me omitting all 3 from my life.

An argument with 2 family members, one I realize was all our fault but that God place the "key" to making it a peaceful solution, that I chose not to use the key in, came to a head, and it was NOT good. Not only that but the lack of God in my life made me in capable of seeing my Dad the way Christ does, a very wounded, scared man who has never known the love of a father. I've always prided myself on my ability to maintain relationship with each of my family member no matter what they have done to me and inspite of extreme multi faceted dysfunction the penetrates generations. I quickly learned this was NO skill of mine but God's Grace and Mercy for them working in me. I learned that when his Grace and Mercy were not there because I did not seek them for myself, I could not give them. In short order my relationship with my Dad was nearly destroyed. And it would have been my fault. Not because he didn't do things the were unspeakably hurtful, or because I did anything unforgivable but, because I did not allow God to be the leader of my relationship with him. Maybe in some way, since he wasn't going to die now, I wanted to close myself off from him emotionally so that when he does die, when the cancer does come back (that was my attitude) I wouldn't have to start the grieving process all over again. Ouch.

Anyway, at the end of possibly the most painful nights I've ever had, a night I had a decision to make (and I think I made the right one), I realized how far I had fallen, and how desperately I both needed and wanted my Jesus in my life. I went to my room , cried... no sobbed, for a long time and how close I came to making a decision that would have completely destroyed my relationship my Dad forever, and closed his heart to the ONE person he will listen to Christ's words through. Yikes!

In my room, I cried out to God, and asked he forgive me. Of course he Did, and he allowed me to just sit in his embrace as I cried, and prayed, and finally, even opened his Word. Oh how sweet that surrender was. I felt lighter than I had in months. Since then I've been a basket case as I see Him renewed in everything in my life, from my job, to the creativety of imagination in the current novel I am reading, to my words to him, and his still small voice to me, and especially in HIS words to me through the bible. His beauty, love, forgivness, and acceptance of me for where I am AT is overwhelming and draw me to tears, like it's new. FOr that, I am so thankful. For all of this I am at peace.

Now, so many things deteriorated during this time, including my ability to focus on school work. So, now, it's crunch time to catch up and STILL manage to pass.