Make new friends....

Moving to a new place is hard. For 20+ years, I lived in the same town, neighborhood, house. I graduated with people I went to kindergarden with. I had friends, family, neighbors, mentors, etc. who I'd known for all to most of my life. There was always somewhere to go when I was bored, or lonely, or antsy, or anything really. At the same time though, I had come to a point of stagnation. I wasn't meeting new people, or building any more meaningful relationships/friendships. Life was at a standstill. I had good in my life but, I wasn't happy.

So on a whim and a prayer, I packed my car and headed south. I know I know, I've said it before but, it's what I did. I found a job. I started to make acquaintances. Some acquaintances became friends. The first real friend I made is L. She was a co-worker of mine and I can't help but believe that fate brought me to my job just a few weeks before she quit because we were meant to be friends. She's amazing. I ran into L. and her wife T. at a park where I go to read, and relax. When I mentioned not knowing if I was going to have enough gas to make it through the day because I was called into work and couldn't deposit my check in time, these two women, one who barely knew me and one who had never met me, handed me a $10 bill and told me to go get gas. I don't know if either of them realizes how much that meant to me. I walked away from them with tears in my eyes because it had been a long time since someone was so generous to me in that way, and because L. and I had made plans to hike the next day. I had needed someone to spend time with that was not my cousin. I had needed a friend of my own here, and I just had a feeling that she could be a good friend, that she was an answer to my prayers. We began going on walks/hikes together, one night she made me an amazing dinner, and we went to see Iron Man 2 together. Fun times. I regret not taking photos of our small adventures.

Up to this point, it hadn't worked out for me to spend much time with T. and since L. was heading out of state for awhile. I decided to make a point in spending time with T. while L. was gone and for some reason, T. accepted my offer to hang out :0). I'm glad she did. We spent an entire day together, and eventually, several more days. Both these women are amazing people. They are generous and kind, smart and beautiful, and have taught me so much already. They are incredibly respectful of who I am and what I believe and I look forward to getting to know them more. On one of our first adventure, T. took my Kayaking, something I had never done before and found to be rather enjoyable. I would so go again! Here are some photos of that adventure. I look forward to documenting many more adventures with my new friends, and of my life here in a small mountain town of California.

It's easy to get caught up in frustrations and disappointments of your circumstances. Easy to focus what you don't have, and what you want. Way to often I find myself coveting what another has that I don't.

Then, just when I get caught up in self pity, God reminds me that I'm doing pretty good. God reminds me how well he has taken care of me. God shows me where I COULD be....

My nieces make me smile EVERY day! Jae's excitement when I come home, Ashlynn's little voice saying "AAAA Tee", so precious!

I go for long walks, almost every day. The scenery is breathtaking. I live in the mountains. There are LOTS of ravines, lots of trees, lots of ponds and creeks and rivers. Lots of wildlife to hear and see.

I'm making new friends. They make life here easier, they bless me. They are teaching me much about different life styles, different belief systems, and how even if they don't believe like I do, they can still be amazing, loving, generous, quality people.

I'm recreating myself. Who I am and who I want to be are different than who I was 3 months ago, or who I wanted to be.

I'm exhausted but I'm happy. This new life is creating new challenges of it's own, and reminding me of old insecurities I thought I'd conquered but actually have not. It's also showing me that things I thought were major challenges, were actually easily overcome.

I'm starting to miss home. Mostly, my nephew and Joanna's family. I'm also realizing how many of my THINGS I miss. Books, my roller blades, my bed, my bike, my kitchen things... not that those things are particularly important... I just miss them. I miss my neighborhood, just walking around the block I grew up on and have SO many memories.

I'm starting to see HERE as home, and know if I left, I would miss here.

I'm starting to feel like this isn't where I'm meant to be. Like, now that I'm here, so many other options are open to me, and it wouldn't be so scary. Maybe I'm suppose to end up in another city in Ca. close by. Maybe I will move to yet another new state, maybe some other country. I just know that "this is not my home".... yet EARTH isn't my home, so I'm sure I would feel that way ANYwhere I lived.

I'm starting to REALLY wish I would meet someone. THE someone. I'm tired of being single.

I really enjoy my new church. Amazing worship. Amazing people.

My job is a challenge. But I love it.

So many changes....

They Day AFTER Cinco De Mayo

In previous years, I've written about the death anniversary of Andrew, my first boyfriend, my best friend. Yesterday, was 9 years since he was welcomed into heaven. Overall, I miss him on "special occasion" days but I don't feel sad. I remember him with happiness, and a feeling of blessing that I knew him, and I knew him in a way most did not get to know him. This year, I'd planned on going to a meeting at work and then just spending some alone time but, I got asked to stay at work and I was fine with that... at first.

THe shift went good but, I found out the reason I was called in was because a co-worker was in the process of miscarrying. Oh how my heart aches for her loss!

Because working today's shift would have put me in the overtime category, my manager shifted my schedule around, and as I was leaving tonight she informed me I wouldn't be working tomorrow. And on my way home, I kind of lost it. I'd already been thinking about "the day after" and was glad I'd be working. Because "the day after" Andrew died, was harder than the DAY he died.

Now, I face today (the day after) with emptiness. No plans. I'm sure I can do something with my nieces and cousin. I can spend some alone time. But I've really come to realize that while I like to plan to keep the day of busy, it's the day after I make myself busy.

I feel like I"m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm sure this is linked to that fact that I've already been feeling anxious and overwhelmed on my days off if I have no plans. Something about this new life I'm living here in Ca. has me needing to stay very very very busy, or I get anxious. Today, I want to be busy busy busy.

They day of, I didn't get the news until late at night. The day of, it didn't seem real. They day off I cried, and took some medicine and went to sleep. They day after, I woke up to find my nightmare was my reality. The day after I had to go see his family, all at home for the first time in months because he wasn't at the hospital anymore. The day after, I heard "our song" for the first time, the song he picked out for us without me knowing, and wrote down in a journal. The day after, people told me how sorry they were. The day after....

I think some of my strong physical anxiety reaction is a sort of psychological memory of the day after May 5th nine years ago. That day had been all planned out too, and then suddenly, it wasn't. Suddenly it was empty.... Suddenly I was a young teenager who was experiencing her first serious brush with death....

They day of his death, he had still been alive. He was still in the world that day. They day after, was the first day in which he didn't exist in my world. It was the first day of my life that he wouldn't be a part of. It was a different life from the one I had known, and mostly loved. I don't want it to be the day after. And, I don't want the day off of work.