A new kind of Christmas

Growing up we were spoiled for Christmas. My parents always went over the top, my grandparents spent equally as much, and well, it was kind of amazing. As we have gotten older, I've noticed the focus of Christmas slowly become about $$. Sad but, true. Not all in a bad way though. Mostly, as we children became adults and no longer thought "Santa" brought us our presents, we wanted to be able to give as much as receive and none of us had money to spend on one another.

I have been frustrated for several years because for me Christmas is such a special intimate day for me spiritually. It has always been my wish that we would read the Christmas story together, pray together, and do something to remember Christ on that day. For some reason, even though I do have an aunt, uncle and grandparent who are all Christians, we've never done this. I do this for myself, each year I take time to spend with God and thank him for becoming flesh...

This year, with my Dads cancer battle and resulting medical retirement, both my sister being laid off, my Uncle being out of work for 8 months and me having my hours drastically cut, well, I knew money was an issue. I had this idea that this year we would all buy only for "the babies", meaning my 2 year old nephew and one year old cousin. Thankfully everyone agreed. I like this idea because it gave us the opportunity to spoil them the way we were spoiled, and to bring a bit of the "magic" back into Christmas. We also could spend what we had on the babies, without worrying about buying for everyone, or forgetting someone.

It all turned out REALLY well. No one was left feeling bad or left out. No one felt like maybe they should have spent more, no one fretted. The babies were adorable, the parents were grateful. And, I got to focus even more astutely on Christ without being overwhelmed and distracted by the family drama!

I won't lie though, my Mom decided she wanted to give each of us some cash for Christmas, and she did. And my grandmother also gave each of us some $$ with some other small goodies. All of which I was very grateful for (it's mostly going towards school books!).

I also attended a low key Christmas Eve Svc. with my best friend Alicia and her family. We sang some of my favorite carols, read the Christmas story, and headed home, where the power was out! Alicia and I chatted about her new engagement and accumulating wedding plans...

It was a good Christmas.

Venting

My Dad joined face book. I guess that means I need to be a little more careful about what I say there. Not because I say things particularly BAD but, I know I've occasionally said things he might take the wrong way, assume are about him, or some such. Or, thing that I just really wouldn't want to share with my Dad. I know facebook is a very public venue, and so is a blog. I guess I didn't mind sharing some things on facebook because I have amazing friends who were always so encouraging. Plus, with my parents and siblings not being facebookers and bloggers, it was like my own personal little world, and escape so to speak. I still have my blog.

With that said, I was rather hurt by my Dads actions today. Monday I cleaned the entire house (ok, the main living areas, bathroom, kitchen living room). I did dishes, vacuumed, mopped, swept, DEEP cleaned the bathroom including cleaning the mirror/toilet/scouring the tub, picked up the living room, folded laundry... then I got really busy with school and work, and I HOPED that since I had done SO much house work by myself on Monday Dad or brother would help me out with dishes this week. Well, it's Friday, and the dishes hadn't been done since Monday. DISGUSTING. The sink was starting to smell. So, I did all the dishes, the dish washer was CRAMMED full of dishes, so I washed a bunch by hand. One thing I HATE to do when doing dishes is rinsing the silverware (in my house everything is scrubbed free of food before it goes in the dishwasher, my Dad believes the dishwasher is only meant to sanitize dishes, not really clean them), I asked my Dad if he would please wash the silverware before I started the dishwasher since I had washed so many dishes as well as cleaned up the rest of the kitchen. He didn't say a thing but, he did give me a nasty look. Instead, he closed the dish washer, and went to bed.

I just wish that my work was appreciated and that I could get a LITTLE help every once in a while....

Tobias

My good friend J. had a baby Saturday. Sweet Tobias Samuel. His arrive was much anticipated. I knew I'd love him when she told me she was carrying him, I started FEELING that love when I felt him move while giving her a pregnancy massage and I was head over heals the first time I looked into his precious little face. This is boy # 4 for this family, and they named him Tobias because it means "GOd is Good" (well, and they liked the name) see, they all were hoping and anticipating for a baby girl, especially their only daughter. When they found out it was a boy, and came across the name, they knew that God is good, all the time, and he has big plans for this 4th baby boy. There is a reason he chose this family to raise this special boy.

I've been babysitting for this family for 11 years! Their family had a 3 month old son when they moved in next door. He is 11 years old now, and they now have 5 children. I still babysitt for them and love them all. I had the priveledge of watching the other four children while baby Toby made his Debut! It was a busy, special, fun time!

The boring season

I know the bible says their is a time a season for everything, a time to morn and a time to dance, a time for joy and a time for sorrow, a time to plant and a time for uproot, and all that. I didn't know there was a boring season. That's where I am at. I'm bored. I live at home with my Dad and little brother, I'm going to school online, working only 10 hours a week, and not much more. Some might call it a season of rest. I think it's the winding down of my season as a student. I hope it's the beginning of the permanent ending to my residing in my fathers home. I need it to be the opening season of drawing closer to God and going deeper with my faith. I anticipate the next few years bringing big changes, and exciting seasons, stepping out on my own as an independent young adult, becoming a career woman, falling in love, parenthood.
But, I don't know what to do with myself for the next few months. For 6 more months I must wade through THIS season. I've been in seasons that aren't busy but, I've never been in a season that is relatively safe and free of major stresses. I just don't know how to live like this. When I moved home I thought it would be a bit of an easy season, and then my Dad got sick. Now that he is 6 months into remission and rehabilitating well, I'm able to breathe easier. Family life is still dysfunctional but, we have settled into a new sort of normal for all of us. While I have minimal hours at work which poses some financial worries, it's a relatively easy job for me, which I absolutely love.
I feel a little lonely this holiday season, I must admit. No because I'm single but simply because most of my friends are in such different seasons, and I'm just not very connected with many of them, and I also don't have a car, which makes things hard in the social interaction department.
The odd thing is that in this season I feel very lazy, and unmotivated. I know this COULD be a busy season if I wanted it too be. I could be heavily involved in ministry, in volunteer work, in organizing/cleaning/rearranging our house, losing weight, and much more. Part of me really wants that but, I just can't seem to bring myself to take those first steps. Part of me doesn't want any of that, and feels guilty for wanting to selfishly indulge in laziness. I often feel like in this season I am apathetic about life.
I also feel like I am the only one in this season. I feel like other young women in my life are doing so much more with their lives, and I feel jealous, and guilty, and wonder if I will have make a difference in someone's life. I wonder if I will ever be warrior for Christ. Will I lead someone to a relationship in Christ? Will I comfort a hurting soul? Will I ever love with all my heart? Will I gain self control over my body, with food, actions, exercise?
I think I'm finally starting to realize the problem with all this though... the problem is "I" Will "I" or "I" feel.... maybe this season is MEANT to be. Maybe I can full embrace the finishing of my education, and the sleeping in a twin sized bed, and walking my childhood neighborhood. Maybe I need to rejoice in the extra time I get to spend with my sweet nephew which will be cut dramatically short when I begin a full time job, the extra afternoon naps that won't exist when I'm a mother of small children, and the ability make plans with out checking in with a significant first. But most of all, I DO need to draw into God more. It's so easy to let him just be a statement rather than a Savior, and an active part of life when things are easy and slow. My morals are the same, my claim of Christianity isn't a problem but, actively seeking Him, showing my love for Him, making Him a priority, isn't. Why is it that he is so easily dismissed in the absence of Crisis or greatness in my life? How do I change that? How do I become less talk and more action?

Our little Monkey

I have conflicted feelings about Halloween, so I usually don't do much. This year I managed to come down sick on Halloween, so I was perfectly content to sleep it through. All conflicted thoughts aside though, it was a joy to watch my nephew have fun playing with the goo of pumpkin insides, be fascinated by the carvings lit up with candles, and see him get a kick out of wearing his Monkey costume. The day Z. was born he made the cutest sounds, that were similar to those a baby monkey makes. So, we all call him Monkey. This year he had the cutest monkey costume!

Pumpkin pictures coming soon.

I love my Siblings!

Another young woman whose blog I visit wrote an amazing and beautiful post about her many siblings. I was inspired to write a similar blog about mine.


Jeana Marie - 29 - My Older sister.
I call her my older sister and not my big sister because she is about 3-4 inches shorter than I am (I think she exaggerates on her height!!!). She is so cute and petite (about 115pds, and 5ft even). We look ALMOST nothing alike. Even though it doesn't matter a lick with how I feel about her, she has a different dad. She is still my WHOLE sister. I don't believe in "half" sisters. We are about 2 months shy of 6 years apart. Jeana has red hair, and the most gorgeous hazel/green eyes. She has a lot of freckles, which she hates and I adore. Jeana and I were very close when I was very tiny. Sadly, the relationship has been rocky for a long time. Even though we had a rough childhood relationship, I have always looked up to her and admired her. She works so hard at everything, and most things don't come easy to her. She knows her limits and isn't afraid to admit it when she has reached one. When we were little, I would sneak into her room to admire her scrunchies and look at her button collection. It drove her nuts but, I just wanted to be like her. Even though she chose not to walk with Christ, she is the reason I began to go to church and got really involved. She'd got to a Wednesday night youth group. Since I wanted to be like her, I'd go to Missionettes at the same church. When I went away to college, I felt God prompt me to work on my relationship with her. It was tediously slow, beginning with me calling her on her birthday, or a holiday, and eventually just to say hello and I loved her. Then inviting her to movies... it took 2.5 year before she ever called me back, it was on my birthday. Now, we chit chat, we get along better (not perfect, we ARE sisters)..., we respect each other. I love her.




Shannon Lee - my little sister - barely
Shannon was born just 15 months after me! She was an average sized baby but, is a pint sized adult, and just shy of 100pds, and 4ft. 9 1/2 inches. My grandfather by adoption is 75% Native American. Since we aren't his biological grandkids, he didn't expect us to look Native. But Shannon came out with dark skin, and a FULL head of the silkiest blackest hair that stood straight up, and she was BORN with deep brown eyes. She had full cheeks, and looked all around Native. My great grandma called Shannon her little "papoose" baby. Shannon suffered an extreme case of RSV at 5 months old. While she was in the hospital, my Mom miscarried a little boy, and we came SO close to losing Shannon. We aren't sure if that illness was the cause of it but, Shannon has cerebral palsy. When she was 9 months old, she was diagnosed. We were told she would never walk, talk, or progress mentally past that of a 6 month old baby. Our tiny, shy, quiet baby was a fighter though. She beat all those odds. She started walking at almost 4 yrs., talking at 5 yrs, became a great swimmer, even competed, an avid cartoonist, and just an amazing person. She has overcome so much. She works hard at everything she does. She won't give up, and wants to prove anyone who puts limits on her, WRONG! She is as stubborn as I am. We shared a room for many years, she was always so clean, and a good saver, of money, candy, whatever. I was a bit jealous of that. We were always close. I wanted to protect her and help her in any way I could. For a long time, we both shared a very close relationship with Christ, and she taught me so much about compassion for others. She is an amazing Mom to her blue eyed 2 year old baby boy. When we were little, we'd spread out our barbies in the play room, right next to our wood stove, and play for HOURS. Both of us had to have a Mom, Dad, baby, toddler, horse, cat, dog, and several older kids. We'd put on balls that they would go too, and parties. We made a mess. She was so into her baby dolls that she would pack a diaper back for them, bring them to my Mom, and leave them for Mom to babysit while she was at school. She would count the diapers so she'd know if my Mom changed her babies diapers or not!!! I miss living with her. I miss brushing her hair, and scratching her back. I miss our long talks. Most of all, I miss sharing Christ with her. I'm still fiercely protective of her. I'm so proud of my pint sized sister. Because of Shannon's cerebral palsy, I was exposed to a lot of kids with special needs. Because God gave me her, I didn't grow up fearing persons who were "different". I grew to love them. We were "lucky" that she developed so much, you could say, but even she had never walked or talked, I'd have loved her just the same.




Warren Dean- 20 - baby brother
Warren is 1 month shy of 3 years younger than me. We had the same due date but he was 2 weeks early and I was 2 weeks late. Warren's nick name is Crasher because he was born due to a car accident that threw my Mom into labor. That saved his life because his cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times and was choking him. The doctors said if he hadn't been born early, he'd have died in utero. God knew losing two baby boys would have been too much for my Mom. Warren is SO full of energy, even now. He runs around and can't sit still for anything. He gets a kick out of teasing and aggravating. It can be so annoying but then he gives you this special grin he has, with a twinkle in his eye, and you can't help but get over being cross with him. He is taller than me, and my Dad. He is the epitome of a boy. Even though he can be a turd, he has a sensitive heart. When I was in a car accident, I was upset, I was worried of what my Dad would say, I knew my Dad would be angry. My brother got word from my Mom and came to the site of the accident, He hugged me and whispered in my ear to ignore dad, that if he said anything mean, it wasn't true. That night, he told me to sleep in his tempur-pedic bed so I wouldn't wake up sore. He is silly and funny. He is very good at fixing things and being hands on. He doesn't realize how smart he is and has yet to tap into his potential. Warren is amazing with kids. I don't know a kid that doesn't love him. Even though I'm his big sister, he tells me that I can't get married until I'm 30. He's protective of me. When he was little we called him Warrnen Dean, yes, I added an extra "n" on purpose.





Alicia Nicole - the sister I chose - 23.
I'm adding my best friend because she deserves it. Our Moms were best friends for years. They (unintentionally) got pregnant at the same time. Alicia and I are 15 days apart. We've been best friends since the beginning. Alicia has been there through everything. Our parents would ground us from reading because it was the only thing that worked for us. We would call each other and read books to each other over the phone! When we were about 6, I kicked at a patch of grass for a ball and got covered in stinging nettle. Alicia thought she'd just reach in and get the ball with her hand.... 2 minutes later she followed me into the house in tears too. She has been the constant Christ lover in my life. When Andrew died, she made her mom make the 1 hr. drive at midnight to my house so she could sleep in my bed with me and just hold me. She isn't an animal lover but, she humors me by always petting my dog when she comes over. She always lets me pick movies, even though she knows I will pick a girly romance movie and she isn't a big fan ( I don't always, and often I insist she chooses!). Her house was the first one I stayed over night at. We would play capture the flag, cops and robbers, have tea parties, and play with lincoln logs. I was always jealous that she was home-schooled. Her dedication to her family is amazing. She is so strong and has overcome so much strife in her life. I'm amazed by the person she has become. She has blossomed into such a lovely woman. I'm so blessed to have had her around since I was born. I hope she is always around. I pray that we can raise children together, and that we are friends for 100 years. God knew that both my sisters would have disabilities. He knew that I was going to be both devoted to Him, and that I would be intellectual. He knew I'd need a "sister" I could relate to on so many levels, but especially an academic level. He gave me Alicia. Because I have Alicia, I'm better able to love my sister the way they are.

Take a deep breath, blow it out slow, hope no one notices the shutter....

Tonight, I am watching the Oprah episode from earlier this week on the recent mothers who drove drunk, crashed and killed/injured children in their crashes. Oh how heartbreaking it is!

Something the really caught me though was as the mother of one girl who was injured in one of the accidents responded while listening to her daughter recount what being in that car was like moments before the crash.

This Mom took a deep breath, and slowly let it out, while tears welled up in her eyes. You could see her lip tremble and her chest shutter.

My thoughts were "I remember that feeling..." I remember doing that same thing after Andrew died. I remember making that same expression before entering my Dads room at the nursing home when he was so sick. People who have seen tragedy, they know this technique. A way to TRY to calm down, to hold onto some level of control so you don't break down. My heart just goes out to those families.

I don't remember using that control technique before my first tragic experience but now, it seems a default I use when I'm incredible upset. When I'm on the phone with a friend pouring out my heart. When I'm afraid. When a friend or family member of mine is hurting and I empathise with them.

It always amazes me how my experiences will suddenly connect me with another person, with an understanding. I always say I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, or a parent, or any of those things that I haven't experienced. But I know loss. When it's someone you love, it hurts beyond measure, and it changes you forever.

Waiting Anxiously!

Almost a month ago I went for an interview for a full time nanny position that I think would be just perfect for me! The interview went really wall and we set up a two day trial run, so they could see me interact with the child. The trial happened a week and a half after the interview. I felt it went astonishingly well, and was so excited. The family and I interacted well, conversed well, and I just felt comfortable with the family. They e-mailed me that night saying they had interviewed 20 people, done 4 trial runs, and narrowed it down to 2 people, me or one other. THat was on a Friday, and the let us know they'd tell us by early the next week whom they had chosen, and have job details. It's now a week later, and while they have e-mailed us to let us know they are traveling and will let us know their decision soon, they haven't yet let us know who they've chosen. It's SOOOO nerve racking. I know choosing a care giver for your child is a big decision and not lightly done, and I want them to make a decision they are truly comfortable with. I also know that God has a plan for my life and if they DON'T choose me, it will be ok. With that said, I really really really want the positions. I already care for the child, and think it would be a great fit.

Not only that but, I need to know so I can take further actions. If I get the job I will need to buy a car quickly, and I will need to make out a new budget, as well as adjust my current work schedule at my other job. I'd also need to look at housing options closer to the area, among other things. If not, I really need to start applying for other positions because the hours at my current job were cut back a lot.

I know God will take care of me,a nd all my needs. I just really want this position.

I hope they let us know SOON!!!

When it Rains...

Loving on Sweet baby J.J.

My Mom's co-worker is just a few years older than me, and has 4 of the sweetest children. She just had a baby boy a few weeks ago, making her Mommy to 2 sweet boys and 2 precious girls. The baby, I have nicknamed J.J. is just so precious, and is keeping me from baby withdrawal. Here are pictures of cute little J.J. I think he is a very pretty baby!

Texas Round 1

Selena Memorial

A dolphin at Sea World, very close to me, I could almost touch it!

Kiesha and I at The Alamo

The Alamo

Mt. Rainier on my outgoing flight.

A few months ago I decided I needed to get away once things with my Dad panned out. I knew that no matter which way they went, I'd need to get away from EVERYTHING. The Lord knew that too. My sweet friends Kiesha and David, and the Sippel family both live in Texas, and when I expressed my desire to visit both of them, and get a reprieve from my life, they welcomed me with open arms. So, off to Corpus Christi I flew for the first leg of my Texas adventure. 5 days with the Yokers was pure bliss but, not long enough. They spoiled me and took me to all sorts of fun things, First the Sugarland concert, my first ever concernt, San Antonio, touring the Alamo, saw the river walk, went to Sea World, the SELENA memorial, not to mention dinner with some of their amazing friends. Most importantly I got to get to know my sweet friend Kiesha's husband, and spend good quality time with Kiesha.

The Fear manifests in a dream

I had a nightmare last night. I have no idea what brought it on. None of my dreams make complete sense but, often, they have very vivid points.

This dream started out on my wedding day. I was frantically trying to get things done, pick things up, put together all the last minute thing ( I have NO idea who I was marrying!). Nothing was going right and I was on the verge of Panic. The last problem was that I couldn't get my veil. As I was yelling at someone, angry and in despair that my wedding was going to be a total disaster, panicking about time etc., I got a phone call. Nothing could have prepared me for that call. My Mom said my brother was dead. I didn't believe her. I though it was some sort of SICK wedding day joke. I felt nauseated that she'd do something like this. I said it wasn't funny. She said she was serious. Warren had taken a corner to fast on his street bike, and went of the road, down a cliff. I started saying "no no no no".. screaming it, saying it wasn't true and couldn't be true. I started saying maybe it wasn't his bike, maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was a friend riding his bike. My Mom said "No baby, it was him. I went to the crash sight, I held his body. He was almost unrecognizable but, I'd know my son anywhere. Oh Sweetie, I wish it wasn't true but, Warren is gone".

How I wish the dream ended there. It went on, and I experienced every emotion and reaction I could imagine experiencing if I'd truly lost my on brother, my baby brother. I was nauseated, scared, lost, confused, dizzy... and so on. I denied it. I wanted to see the bike, see his body, but mostly, I wanted to see him...ONE...LAST...TIME. My silly, obnoxious, loving, teasing, bratty, busy, hardworking, baby brother couldn't be gone. He just couldn't be. Obviously, my wedding was off.

Suddenly, my little sister and I were going to school. It was our first day back after my brothers accident. It was too soon. I don't know why we went. Everyone bombarded us with questions. I was nauseated again. Where was my brother? He was suppose to be there, at school, with us. What these kids were asking, saying couldn't be true. He was at home sick. He was on an extended vacation, off with some friends. He slept in late. He wasn't dead. Why were the teachers asking me how I was doing? I was fine, of course, it was just another day at school. No it wasn't. It was a day at school without my brother in my life. My only brother. Oh God, I don't have a brother anymore. The day couldn't get worse. And then, it did. A gunman shoots the ceiling (I know why this happened, a mirror fell of the wall of the room I was sleeping in and I incorporated the sound into my dream) and then he begins chasing us around the school, herding students this way and that way, hundreds of students pouring into halls. Somehow the gunman is stopped and we are all safe. I'm worried for my sister. Where is she. We need to leave, this is insane. She isn't safe here. I can't lose her too. I find her, we run to the office, demand to be let out (the school is still locked down). They say we need parent permission. I scream we do not. I'm falling apart, sobbing hysterically. So is my sister. I'm holding her. My friend from school (a real life friend I met at college) is there, she comes up and gives me a hug. She doesn't say a word. She has one brother, her baby brother. I know she can empathize with me. She is the only one not to say a word, not to say "she's sorry"... just hug me. I calm down, take my sister to a way I know out of the school. We start walking home as I try to call my Dad on his cell phone to come get us. We take a weird path, there is garbage on the trail, below the street. I see two things I once took out of my car and put on the side of the road, to come back for later, and had forgotten about. I make a mental not to come back for it this time, not to forte. But, I doubt I will remember. I lift my sister up onto the road. Then I pull her back down. AFraid it's not safe. I hold her and sob into her hair....

and then I wake up.
I've lost people I love. All the emotions were the same, only intensified. I though I was going to lose my Dad. But, my brother. He thinks he is invincible. I think he is too. I know he's not but, he's so young, strong, healthy. I wouldn't lose him. But I could. Tomorrow he could be gone. It happened to a friend of mine. Her little brother drowned. HE knew how to swim. I don't know if I could handle this. Losing my brother, losing a sibling. I hope I don't have to find out, at least not for a LONG LONG LONG time.

Have I ever told you.....

That I have the SWEETEST puppy in the world!?

Sweet Marie

My heart is heavy for sweet Marie's family. So many times the past few days I have been brought to my knees for them. 

Thursday they welcomed their beautiful Sarah into their family. Friday they said goodbye to their daughter sweet Marie, who had Leigh's disease. 

Please keep Mom, Dad, big sister Josie, and new baby Sarah in your prayers. We know Marie dances with Jesus, and sings with angels but, the pain of missing her can be overwhelming. 

Please visit: http://josieandme.blogspot.com to leave them some encouragement and love!

Sunshine

These days, they just aren't easy. I am filled with ups and downs all the time. I don't know what it is, except I strongly feel it is a spiritual attack. I'm working towards making changes in my life, and every day I feel excited about it, every day I have time to really spend taking action towards those changes, I feel gloomy, unmotivated, alone, overwhelmed, tired, and my body just physically feels like lead. I hate it. I try to reach for God, but it isn't always my first course of action, and sometimes I just don't even know how to approach Him when I feel like this. I just seems easier to curl up in bed, and sleep. I know Satan wants it to stay like this. I know he doesn't want me to have joy, or physical healthy, or spiritual wisdom, or personal strength, and so he zaps my will to take action. Thankfully, I've come to realize what these days are, days the enemy wants to steal from me. I'm arming myself for this battle.

Through all of it though, God has give me a little ray of sunshine, a shining star who helps pull me up during the worst days when I can't seem to pull myself out of it. Looking into my nephew and seeing his smile, it's like getting a smile from God. He is sunshine on the rainy days..

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I'm a bad blogger but I've a mighty God.

Ugh. I didn't think I'd let myself go well over a month without blogging.

Anyway. I have a button to the left of my blog, for baby Stellan. He has a serious heart condition that has put him in the hospital (again) and he is fighting just to stay out of heart failure and to stay alive. If you haven't been there, please check out the blog but, most importantly, pray for baby Stellan, for his family, and pray the doctors have wisdom int he best way to treat this sweet baby!

Now, where have I been? Gee, you live in survival mode for months at a time when something like cancer hits your life, then crisis ends, and suddenly you crash and burn. That is what I did! More than that though,when my Dad got the remission words, I was in total shock and disbelief. I waited for the other shoe to drop. ANd, believe it or not, I got ANGRY with God.

When I was 15, and I experienced the first loss of someone important to me, I clung to Jesus for all it was worth, and he brought me through that grief. Just the other day I drew out the journal that brought me through the first few months of that loss, and I am astounded at who I am today compared to who I was then.

What I did not realize was the attitude I came out of that experience with, one that is NOT from God: I can deal with death. Death is a "final" out come. It doesn't reverse itself. Yah. Ok, so let me explain. We my Dad was diagnosed, I was CONVINCED he was going to die. I told myself the Andrew dying when I was nearly 15 was God's way of preparing me for this loss, as a young adult. I thought that the fact my Uncle had THE SAME cancer , in the SAME location 7 years ago, and died from it, was Gods way of preparing me that my Dad would die. Not to mention, the odds we were given were just NOT good. When taking my Dad to treatments, I met many people who had much less severe cancers (by that I mean an earlier stage, or a higher survival rate), or who had a much less aggressive treatment plan, being on the verge of dying. THey were very ill. In my mind, all this was to prepare me for my Dads death.

Then... we were told he was in remission. And I got angry. I don't know what remission will mean for our future. I wonder if it means God will work on both my parents hearts, and some day my Mom will move back IN the home. I wonder if it means GOds giving my Dad yet another reason to not just speculate Christ but trully embrace him, and abandon his heart and life to Him. Maybe God is giving me an opportunity to get more established financiallys so that when my Dad IS gone, I will be able to care for myself, and my Mom.

The biggest reason for my anger, and my fear... is "Dear Lord, now the future is UNKOWN!". The was my heart cry. Because once you "have cancer" you kind of always have it, yoru just either active or inactive. Your in remission or your in relapse. And...WILL my dad relapse? What if he does? When will he? Will get through it a 2nd time? Will he even TRY? Will he be saved by then? Will he get to hold my children? Will he be at my wedding? Will he... what if... then what?....

And my fear, may anger caused me not to seek out my God. I suprised at how quickly not communing with him on a regular basis made me ashamed of who I was behind closed doors, and even in the wide open. I am ashamed of things I have done and said and even things I did not do, to my Dad, to my Aunt, to myself, to others. I shut down in a way I've never done before. In the past I've hit "rough patches" or "dry times" but... it usually included ONE or two of: Not praying, not reading the word, not going to church.... it has never been me omitting all 3 from my life.

An argument with 2 family members, one I realize was all our fault but that God place the "key" to making it a peaceful solution, that I chose not to use the key in, came to a head, and it was NOT good. Not only that but the lack of God in my life made me in capable of seeing my Dad the way Christ does, a very wounded, scared man who has never known the love of a father. I've always prided myself on my ability to maintain relationship with each of my family member no matter what they have done to me and inspite of extreme multi faceted dysfunction the penetrates generations. I quickly learned this was NO skill of mine but God's Grace and Mercy for them working in me. I learned that when his Grace and Mercy were not there because I did not seek them for myself, I could not give them. In short order my relationship with my Dad was nearly destroyed. And it would have been my fault. Not because he didn't do things the were unspeakably hurtful, or because I did anything unforgivable but, because I did not allow God to be the leader of my relationship with him. Maybe in some way, since he wasn't going to die now, I wanted to close myself off from him emotionally so that when he does die, when the cancer does come back (that was my attitude) I wouldn't have to start the grieving process all over again. Ouch.

Anyway, at the end of possibly the most painful nights I've ever had, a night I had a decision to make (and I think I made the right one), I realized how far I had fallen, and how desperately I both needed and wanted my Jesus in my life. I went to my room , cried... no sobbed, for a long time and how close I came to making a decision that would have completely destroyed my relationship my Dad forever, and closed his heart to the ONE person he will listen to Christ's words through. Yikes!

In my room, I cried out to God, and asked he forgive me. Of course he Did, and he allowed me to just sit in his embrace as I cried, and prayed, and finally, even opened his Word. Oh how sweet that surrender was. I felt lighter than I had in months. Since then I've been a basket case as I see Him renewed in everything in my life, from my job, to the creativety of imagination in the current novel I am reading, to my words to him, and his still small voice to me, and especially in HIS words to me through the bible. His beauty, love, forgivness, and acceptance of me for where I am AT is overwhelming and draw me to tears, like it's new. FOr that, I am so thankful. For all of this I am at peace.

Now, so many things deteriorated during this time, including my ability to focus on school work. So, now, it's crunch time to catch up and STILL manage to pass.

Nephew Update

My sweet, sweet, 22 month old Nephew, Zackery, is pure JOY people. I can't express how much this boy means to EVERYONE in my family. The hardest of hearts melt for this blue-eyed dimpled toddler. I have mentioned a few times he is physically delayed For personal records, I have posted a more detailed version of the update below pictures.  Before the pictures is just an update without past information, or as many details. 

Short version: At 22 months old, Zackery is completely on target for all cognitive skills such as language and language perception, problem solving skills, etc.  His fine motor skills are in the 50-60th percentile, about average. His gross motor skills are delayed by 11 months, putting him at the development of about an 11 month old. He is crawling like a mad man, pulling himself up and cruising furniture as well as letting go for a few seconds to stand unassisted (perhaps 5-15 seconds), every so often you can coax an attempt at a step but, usually after on step he THROWS himself into you, and laughs hysterically so, basically, he is not walking yet. He has begun both occupational and physical therapy, which I think will be very beneficial. He has also recently had his adnoids removed, which has led to fewer ear/sinus infections, and is in the process of being tested for both food and environmental allergies. All these things have/will hopefully reveal potential causes for his delays. 

Frankly, I've kind of enjoyed having him be unable to walk for an extended time, giving us a bit of extra baby time. However, now that summer is here, and I attended my friends daughters first birthday and seen her toddling, I do really want Zackery to start walking. I want to see him run from toy to toy of his choosing at the park. I want to see him chase after the puppies. I want him to be able to begin trying to ride a tricycle, and I want him to be able to keep up with his little friends. I also have to admit that carrying around 26 pounds is not easy! Lol. 

Z. has a huge personality that is not to be reckoned with, and I am enjoying watching him grow into a toddler and leaving his baby days behind. He has the most charming and endearing smile, loves animals, knows how to tell you what he wants, adores water and being outside, gives the sweetest kisses, and has everyone wrapped around his little finger.

Cheesy Grin

Hey, NO babies standing on the counter!!

I can stand tall in Grandpa's chair!

Just....ONE....Step.

Waking up Happy after a nap with Aunty.

Zackery has shown himself a bit slow in gross motor skills since he was about a month old. At 3 months he could not hold his head completely upright, at 10 months he still did not sit up, and at 15 months he still was not crawling. Now, at 23 months he does not walk. Oh but the things this boy CAN do. He crawls like a made man. He can skooch backwards down a flight of stairs. He climbs up on things. Most recently the Z-Man has been pulling himself up and letting go to stand unassisted for 5-10 seconds at a time, and occasionally makes an attempt at a step or two. Probably his biggest hurdle to walking is that he things it is just a hilarious game to take one step, then forcefully thrust himself backwards or forwards into the supervising adult, so they must catch him! 

Anyway, Zack recently had another evaluation. The therapist said he seems mentally/cognitively typical for a nearly two year old, perhaps on the later spectrum for speech but not delayed, his language perceptions is definitely find! His fine motor skills seem to be fairly typically, perhaps in the 50th-60th percentile for his age group, about average. Zack's biggest challenge (which we already knew) is his gross motor skills. Here he is hitting the charts at about an 11 month stage. They have no specific reason or diagnosis for this delay. His Mama has cerebral palsy and some mental delay but, has thrived and is doing really well raising him. With that said, at times she hasn't appropriately stimulated him, so some of it could be genetic, and some of it could be simply lack of opportunity to develop and grow.

 I personally have two other theories of influences: one, Zackery from very early on has had multiple ear infections, sinus infections, and respiratory infections. These can affect your sense of balance. It seems Z. has had one infection after another for nearly two years, and even when he is healthy, he has rattly breathing and congestion. He was even diagnosed with sleep apnea due to his rattly breathing, where he would stop breathing in his sleep for a few seconds. Oh, and man can this boy SNORE! So, I feel being he is primarily delayed in gross motor skill, it may be linked to his health affecting his balance, sense of stability and equilibrium. So, that leads to my second theory: the cause of the infections, and the ever present congestions/rattly breathing. I believe (as does his new pediatrician) that Zack has some allergies, primarily food, but also environmental I am sure. These allergies can cause his immune system to be weak, as well as innerfere with cognition, and even physical strength. Before Zack was officially diagnosed with sleep apnea, my Mom took him to the E.R. when she began noticing his spells of NOT breathing at night. This led to tests, which led to discovering Zackery had large adnoids and slightly large tonsils. If it were my kid, this would have been one more reason to pursue allergies, as tonsils/adenoids are part of the lymphatic system and they get inflammed when irritated. Unfortunately, my Mom/Sister/Doctors don't see things in my unconventional manner, and their method was to remove his adenoids (they don't remove tonsils in kids this young because recovery is so harsh and post surgery, the swelling can cut off the airway in such a small child, nice huh?). After rescheduling surgery 3 times because Zack was never healthy long enough to be safely sedated, they finally removed his adenoids, which turned out to be MUCH larger than even the doctor originally thought. It may not have been the way I'd have handled it with my child but, since surgery Zackery breathes quieter, sleeps with out snoring or having apnea, and has in general been much healthier. Oh, and NOW the doctor has ordered allergy testing. 

So, Zackery continues to develop and grow, at his own pace, and brings joy to all of us!

A Doozie

I have NO idea what hit me, but my fall/winter/spring of avoiding any major germ catastrophies came to a screeching halt at the beginning of our summer. Seriously, all year I had MAYBE two 3 day sore throats, and a partially stuffy nose. Until.... the virus of 2009. It would be much more exciting to say I had gotten the swine flu. If that is what it had been, I'd understand that hype given it, because I certainly felt like I could have died. I was MISERABLE.  

It all started Friday when I woke up with a sore throat. This had been happening off and on for a couple weeks, and I was fairly certain that it was allergy related, and after a benadryl it wasn't bothering me, so I was convinced it was allergies. I went off for tutoring and babysitting. My migraines are supersensitive to heat, dehydration, and blood sugar. This day, as well as the last few days had been particularly warm, and I wasn't very diligent about drinking enough water. I should know better. So, I got a major headache as well as nauseated in the middle of tuturing I pushed through that, and since I babysit in exchange for tutoring, the parents left with the assurance I'd call if things got worse. It's hard to get hydrated when your nauseus. I sipped some watered down apple juice, rested while the kids watched a movie, and my headache did go away. So, it was the heat, right? Oh that it were!

I went to bed that night feeling pretty good about myself, and woke up at 4 am vomiting really hard. I had no idea what hit me. That only lasted a couple hours so, I showered and went back to bed. When I woke up, I had a whole gamut of symptoms: nausea, dizziness, fever, massive headache, body aches and pains, with killer pains in my neck, low back and hips, chills, and sweats. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so miserable. By sunday my chest hurt around my rib cage, with sharp pains when I breathed deep, and I had a cough. My fever kicked into full gear, and I was good for nothing. I was throwing up again as well. That evening I started wheezing. Advil and Tylenol were my best friends. I was so miserable, my Mom was at work and my Dad incapable of caring for ME, that I called my best friends mom asking if she could just bring me some applesauce and be available if I felt I should go into urgent care if my breathing got worse. I was so grateful for her when she brought me applesauce and much more, checked my temp. etc. and made sure my Dad had anything he needed. Up until this point my fever had been slight and off and on but now it raged at 102 to 103 steady for several hrs, finally breaking about 4 am monday morning. 

So, I wake up monday morning fever free, body ache free, not nauseated, but with pretty bad chest pain, and shortness of breath whenever I stand up and walk around, plus a pretty persistent caught, and fever blisters all over my lips. Today, the wheezing is mainly when I walk up and down stair, the pain in my chest is only when I take a deep breath, and the cough when I walk up a down stairs or lay down but the fever blisters are even on my nose. I currently have a headache but, I think that is because I am in need of a nap. 

I have never been so sick or felt so miserable. I did go to the Dr. monday, and to both hers and my astonishment, tested negative for the flu, so its "just a virus". I have no idea where that virus came from but it hit me hard and fast. My boss pulled me out of work for the rest of the week, that's a story in it's self, he is a little irritated with me. Oiy.

Here is to hoping for a full recovery in the next day or so! And that no one else I was around gets it!!!

Love me some baby girl

Meet Samantha Riley. Isn't she just precious! My Dads friend and his wife just welcomed this precious girl a month early AND she STILL weighed 7pds! She is so sweet and perfect! They surprised us when they showed up un-announced with they new bundle. I was so tickled. It has been a 7 months since I got to hold a new born, too long in my opinion!




And just because my nephew is CUTER than life, and he started making this silly cheesy face when you take a picture:

Bunnies!!!

My 21 months old nephew LOVES animals. We went to the pet store and he just couldn't get enough of the hamsters, guinea pigs, etc. I love animals too, and thought it would be fun to have a bunny. So my mom and I went and got 2 baby bunnies (not from a pet store). They are VERY tame and sweet. Zackery loves them, and I am enjoying them as well!