Prayer Requests...

Readers,
please pray for our family in this next week as we reign in the new year.

Tomorrow (Sunday December 28th), I'm headed to my grandmothers for christmas at her house. My relationship with my Grandpa has bee strained for awhile however, I'm not anticipating much there. My real concern comes with the fact that I will be seeing my sister for only the 3rd time since April, and spending the first amount of significant time with her boyfriend in the year and a half they have known one another. He came into our lives in such an untraditional manner. I've been praying for the opportunity to get to know him, and show him the love and acceptance Christ has shown me. Yet, now it is happening and I don't feel ready to extend grace and forgiveness to him in the manner I know I must, whether he asks for it or not. It boils down to this: My sister has chose this Man to be a part of her life. Of all the things I have disagreed with, and still do, he has cared for her these last several months and has shown a genuine affection for my sweet nephew. I must allow him to be a part of my family in order to truly repair my relationship with my sister. And while I don't want to....at the same time I want to accept this man as a permanent fixture in hers and my nephews lives. Pray for me to be honesty cordial, accepting, and loving, not to just be putting on a show. Pray I do not allow bitterness, anger, and pride crawl up in my heart during what is suppose to be a beautiful celebration of the day the world received such a wonderful gift.

2nd:
December 30th, tuesday morning: My Dad enters for surgery to have a feeding tube placed. This is in anticipation of the nausea and severe pain he will have as a result of chemotherapy and radiation to his throat. Pray the surgery would go smooth and safe, that he would heal quickly, and this measure to prevent dehydration and malnutrition would work. While it is a surgery and I worry, I'm glad they are doing it. 8 years ago when my Uncle was diagnosed with the same cancer, they did not take this step, and the treatment made him so sick, and so sore, he nearly starved to death, and became severely dehydrated. The treatment nearly took his life and he quit treatment early so he could spend his last few months feeling well and enjoying his time with his family. This feeding tube may give my Dad the strength he needs to endure the harsh treatment that will kill off the cancer cells

34d: December 31st: My dad is having a PET scan. THey are scanning from the bridge of his nose, down to his pelvis. This is to check and see if/where the cancer has spread. Right now we know he has a tumor at the base of his tongue, and it has spread/metastisized into his local lymph nodes. Since the cancer is in his lymph nodes it can and possibly has spread throughout his body, since the lymph nodes are an intricate system that spands your entire body. we are praying that the cancer has NOT spread past his throat structures as this would make it so much more serious than it already is.

Hi Friends!
Please let me introduce you to my "Papa O". Papa O. is very dear to my heart. Once the "father of my first boyfriend", I now affectionately call him my very own Papa. As a young teenage girl whose earthly father did not share her faith and could not guide her and love her the way she so desperately needed, Papa adopted me as his very own, even before Andrew and I dated. When Andrew flew to heaven, Papa still considered me his daughter....his only princes among Princes'. Today Papa, and Mama, Ethan, and Dyeda (grandpa) are very special to me. I have a Mom and Dad, a Mama and Papa.

In this year of financial hardship, I can't think of a better Christmas present to Papa, than to promote his website, and tell you about his newest adventure. Papa has began to work with video production, making wedding video, and documentaries. Today, being the procrastinator I came, I finally took time to watch his latest work "Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen". It is a very good documentary that I was pleasantly surpised by. Please take time to check it out, and learn a little bit of History, and American Christmas History. I learned a lot. Click on "Arrest you merry Gentlemen" to get to the website, and scroll about 1/2 way down, you will see the video. Click on the video to watch.

4 all you Mommies

Ok all you Mommies out there....you SERIOUSLY need to list to THIS. It's very funny! Even if your not a Mom, go listen.
Violet

p.s. I've never made a link before with a word but a lovely blogger friend taught me how :) Just click on THIS (above) and it will take you right to the link. YAY.

Winter wonderland....

I LOVE snow! I'm one of those crazy people who prays for it. As much as I would like to spend a few years in some place tropical, I would miss the anticipation of the possibility of snow! Especially so near Christmas. We live in an area that is really "hit or miss". We can not have snow and 10 minutes down the road their is about 1/2 a foot of it, partly because we are only about 50 feet about sea level. We also live in a convergence zone so, there are times we get snow and no one else does. It snowed this past sunday, maybe 3 inches, and for the next 2 days stayed VERY could for us (like 12 degrees). Then, Wednesday we got a good 6 more inches...AND it's still snowing now!!! Here are some picture from Sunday, and I will have more pictures of today up very soon!

Dads cancer update

Today my Dad had his 3rd cancer consult. SO many consults! Today was with the radiology specialist and the oncologist. Tomorrow he has an appointment with the Chemotherapy oncologist/administration type person....

Today he was told this: Without treatment they would give him 2 years at the longest before cancer wins. Their is a 50% chance that treatment will work and send him into remission/give him longer. These statistics are remarkably good considering my Uncle was given 9 months and 10% chance of the treatment being effective.

On December 30th he will have a feeding tube placed. Because the cancer is in his throat, and radiation will be on his neck, he will have not only typical chemo nausea side effects but extreme soreness in his neck/throat, and will likely be unable to eat anything. They need to place the tube before beginning treatment. This means treatment will start sometime after the new year, we will get to spend Christmas with him feeling healthy, for this I am thankful. Radiation will be given Monday through Friday, and Chemo will be given once a week, each lasting 7 weeks. He is expected to be out of work for at least 6 months.

This is a hard time for our family. My Dad has been out of work for almost 2 years already, and the last 10 months hasn't had any sort of income (L & I was discontinued). I have complete faith God will provide but, my Dad is very worried, and worry is not in his best interest.

They waiting is the hardest.... We have to wait for the next appt., wait to see when treatment starts....wait to see how Dad's body reacts....and so on and so forth.

Rainbow

The other day I wanted to get on our roof to take a picture of Mt. Baker and Mt. Ranier. It was a sunny and clear day here in Washington, and I knew I could get a good shot. Oddly, our small sturdy ladder which we normally put on the balcony to climb on the roof, was MIA. I still wanted to get up their and I put our really tall, not as sturdy ladder on the ground and up against the roof (our house is 2 stories). I climbed about 1/2 way up and I couldn't go any further, it was just too scary, the ladder was wobbly, it was so much high going from the ground up, and I was home alone. I kind of knew I'd be fine but, I just couldn't do it. It's easier to be brave with an audience.

The next day dawed bright as well and I just HAD to get a picture. My Dad was home, and I asked if he thought it was safe. He stood on the balcony and talked me through it. My Dad, my strong, sturdy, consistent, stable dad... just his presence was enough to calm me and give me courage. So I climbed, all the way, with my Dads cancer on my mind, and wondering how I would get through moments like these without him... and when I got to the top, their was something much better than a mountain top! My heavenly father sent me a message, one of his promise... On my roof, I could see a rainbow, hidden by trees on the ground... If God decides to take my Dad, which we do not know that he will, but if he does, God will still be my father, and will still have that PERFECTLY stable, strong, sturdy and consistent presence. So, here I snap shots of my rainbow....

Now it was time to come down off the roof, and I was scared again. I took of my shoes and sock, fearing that they might slip, and contiplated jumping on the balcony rather than climb down the ladder. I thought my Dad had gone inside.... I knew their was a promise hanging in the sky but, sometimes Gods choices just DON'T make sense...it doesn't make sense that he allowed to let a judge make the decisions to keep one sibling away from the other 4, when someone was willing to give a home to all 5, it doesn't make sense God allowed a 5 year old girl to be murdered when her adoptive family was just a week away from bringing her home....it doesn't make sense that ANdrew died when he was only 15 years old, or that my sister gets a perfect beautiful baby boy that she makes so many mistakes with, it doesn't make sense that my friends husband was killed during his 3rd tour in Iraq, or that he even had to go on a 3rd tour.... and even though I had this promise that he would take care of me.... I still needed my Daddy, I needed him to "ground me"...and their he came, asking if I was ok, telling me I'd be fine, to climb down. holding the ladder sturdy. Will he be their to give me away at my wedding? Will he hold me shaking arm sturdy as I walk down the aisle? Now I wonder, what was Gods' promise? Was he promising to take care of me? Of my Dad? Of my family? Was he promising to heal my Dad? Was he promising he would protect me? Maybe it wasn't even a promise just for me? I know it was but, what was his promise?

THe promise of the rainbow was that he would never again flood the earth. Was he promising something symbolic of "not flooding" me, or my life with to much tragedy...

I dont know... all I know is his promise was in the sky, reminding me that he is their, and he makes promises.

Brother SIster Love

This girl once said if Mom had another boy, she was running away! When asked where she would go, she emphatically said she had PLENTY of time to think about it. It didn't take long however for Kenzie to "get us to it" as she told me. She even picked out a cute middle name for him (Thomas...as compared to her choice with her first baby brother who she wanted to name Lollipop!) Now it is so fun to see her bond with him. She is a great big sister, and you can tell God knew she would be the perfect little girl in a house full of boys. She loves all of them so much. She is a little mommy (which I'm sure drives her parents crazy sometimes, I know that aspect of my personality drove my parents nuts!) but, I know it only means some day she will be as amazing of a Mom as her Mom is to her, especially considering the amazing example she has. She is beautiful inside and out.


And lets not leave this little boy out, with his sweet charm and budding calm yet active crazy personality has my heart stolen! I saw him less than a week ago, and saw him again yesterday. Just in those couple days I swear he developed a few more adorable facial expressions! Little G. loves my dog so much. He loves me too but, he also links me to Mommy leaving so, naturally he only shows the full amount of affection when Mommy is gone. He is starting to really enjoy having is picture taken, he smiles or makes one of those funny new expression, including a scrunchy nose...then, he wants to see the picture.

I love this picture that so obviously shows their love for one another!

FFF: 25 choose your own theme

I had a few too many favorite photos to pick just one this week, or really, even to pick a theme.

So, Thanksgiving evening I trecked of to my favorite families house for an overnighter! Mom and Dad wanted to hit the black Friday sales and I was more than happy to watch the kiddos, as long as I could stay the night, and I did! Kenzie was so cute, she slept with me on my Queen size, double high air mattress, she was very excited. The next morning Gabey Baby woke up EXTRA early, yup, like 4:30 am early. But, he and I has some good quality one on one time, which we never get, we enjoyed our little Pajama party. As all the kids woke up, I dressed the boys in the matching outfits I bought for them (hehehe, I wanted too see them in their outfits) and found Kenzie something kind of coordinating, then I commited them to a photo shoot. Levi was being a turkey (day after thanksgiving Pun intended, lol) and wouldn't smile. I came up with this silly thing he still loves. I tell him "dont smile Levi, don't you dare smile" and he gets a really pouty face. Then I say "SMILE!! and he just laughs and I get those to die for dipples to pop out! Gabe isn't really smiling because all he could think about was how he wanted to get down and run for it! It's still one of the best pictures I've taken of the 4 of them: Joshua is holding Levi, and Mackenzie is holding Gabriel. We went on to watch a movie, play on my air mattress, run around like mad people, eat breakfast, and I even curled Kenzie's hair. She LOVES curly hair and I recently bought a super skinny curler. I thought she would enjoy it if I curled her hair. She did.








Zackery and I spent some time together this week and I got some ADORABLE pictures! One day we went to the local elementary school which has a great wooden park. We got their via my bike and his new bike trailer, which he loves! Here he is up top a sort of maze, looking down at kids playing tag on the ground.





Another day my Mom brought Zackery too the house so I could take him for his first wagon riding. Knowing that pictures of my Dad and Zack are in short supply, I took the opportunity to snap a few shots, He loves his grandpa and my Dad is so of his first grandson. The other day I came home and my Mom had just left. My Dad came up to me with a big grin on his face saying "Zackery said dog today!"....yes, my nephews first word is dog. Haha.



Being it was a nice but chilly day, I utilized the timer on my camera and shot some photos of Z. and I at the park. He giggles when he sees the light flicker on the camera.

Wow. Listen to this!

just watch.

Flipsyde: Happy Birthday

God covers it all

My dad isn't the only one struggling with his health in my family. My grandmother, after losing grandpa in July, has been doing increasingly poorly since his death. She lost 50 pounds, was unable to eat because of digestive issues, sunk into a deep depression, and became just a shadow of the woman I once knew. 

When grandma developed a cystic pressure sore, that became infected and went almost to the bone, from sitting day after day in her rocking chair, she was admitted into the hospital. Then, she was transferred to a nursing home. Grandma is slowly but surely improving. She is having grief therapy, physical therapy, medical treatment, and 3 meals a day which she is managing well. She does not however know about my Dad. We are hoping to let her stablize a little more before telling her. Ok, so I think she needs to know but, my Dad just can't bear to tell her yet. She has been through so much this year already.

Anyway, My grandma just came to the decision that as she improves she does not want to return to her trailer home but, wants to be ins assisted living. This means, her little miniature poodle needs a new home. 

For the last 2 months my Dad and I have been caring for the pooch, feeding him, giving him water, cleaning up after him (he is trained to go potty on papers), and occasionally walking for him. I was doing really well, spending several hours over there somedays. And then things just got busier and harder. I had a few days where I mostly stayed in bad and cried....then I had days of work, and school work both current and late work to do, and no internet access at grandma's trailer. 

With my Dads diagnosis, him returning to work, holidays upon us, and finally poor skeeter (the poodle) getting diarreah and pooping all over grandma's couch... my Dad told me we HAD to re-home him. He is a sweet but very skittish and unsocialized dog. He has been more or less alone for 2 months, and I"m sure his little emotional and mental state isn't good. HE is lonely, scared and confused. If my Dad would allow it I would keep him here but with two dogs already that annoy my Dad to pieces, that just isn't going to happen. 

Last night I was worrying a lot about finding him a good home. My Dad thought I could EASILY get a new home for him because I know so many people. Well, not people that want a dog, or can have a dog. Plus, I was guilty...I wanted to take care of him. Of course I was also ridden with guilt for not taking better care of him that last month and felt sorry for him being alone.

Well, today I became what I never wanted to be, a craigslist dog rehomer. But, you know what, it turned out to be a blessing. GOd knew this was a stress factor for me. I was afraid I wouldn't find a suitable home, or no one would be interested.

Today I got 3 responses, 2 of which seem REALLY promising. One is a little far away but, meeting half way may be worth it. This woman is a single older woman, who owns her own home and works from home. She has no small children in her extended family, and she already has a toy poodle who wants a little friends. WHen she goes on vacation, she takes the dogs with her. She would have plenty of time to socialize, bond, and train him. SHe is older but not elderly. It was such a relief that God has taken care of this. Nothing is set in stone but, I know something will work out, and just getting those responses was such a relief. 

Nearly a panic attack.

Maybe I just need some time with this little man, to make me laugh and forget my worries....afterall, I haven't seen him in like a week!


Ok, since I am in the process of taking maladaptive behaviors and psychopathologies I know that this experience in now way constitutes the conclusions of an actually, medical, panic attack but.. here goes...

I'm a pretty rational person, and I don't get easily worked up. It takes a lot to anger me, a bit less but still quite a bit to upset me in the sad crying sort of way, and even more than both to make me fearful. I mean, I fear for my nephews emotional stability and when I see Levi climbing on a jungle gym my heart skips a beat and I rush under him to catch him if he slips, and when I hear my sister was in a minor car accident I am afraid I'm being lied to and fear she may have undiscovered injuries. But, I'm not afraid of spiders, or snakes. I'm not afraid of heights, or roller coasters. I'm also not afraid of catching some rare disease because I don't wash my hands every time I touch something. I'm just not easily fearful.

Today I was. Some silly little thing. See... I accidently took and expired pain pill, or a couple through out the day. I had a migraine that was not touched by tylenol, advil, or my specific migrain abortive meds. So, I took one of my pain pills. After taking the last one, I noticed the date. Somehow my Dad and I mixed my new bottle that is only a few months old, and his very old bottle. Same medication and dosage, different bottles and dates. I got on line and researched the dangers of expired meds and it said it could be anything from not being effective to the chemical structure having changed and causing death. Huh... earlier that day I I'd had a scratch throat. As I sat at work I was thinking about the info. I read on expired meds, and swore that the proceeded "racing of my heart" was a result and that my throat was swelling. I mean, ever so slightly. I even grabbed my pusre and took a benadryl...just in case...

and tonight, I'm fine, threw the expired meds away...my throat was fine. But, it felt a little scatchy, and suddenly swallowing was weird. Food was going down only one side of my throat. And maybe, just maybe my throat was swelling again. And maybe I'm getting sick. ANd maybe getting sick with a soar throat will lead to them finding cancer....in my throat....

And maybe I'm paranoid and really, really worried about my Dad. And all of my family members who seem to be precariously prone to cancers.

And now, I want all of them to have a whole body scan, and blood and urine tests. Just to make sure they don't have cancer.

These are a few of KALIKA's favorite friends :)

swings and curls

Favorite foto friday # 24: Thankful

Prayers request: I am thankful for the time I have with my Dad being healthy, and that he has always been a part of my life. I am thankful for every moment we have together, for all he has done for me.

That is about to change. This week we got details on his cancer. My Dad has squamous cell carcinoma. The source is a good sized tumor at the base of his tongue (way in the back of the throat), which is inoperable because of the location, it is near too many vital structures such as major arteries, the trachea, etc. It is considered stage 4 because it has spread (and was found) in his lymph nodes. This is considered a very serious and very aggressive (and somewhat rare) cancer. He is going to start 8 weeks of a daily reagimine of chemotherapy and radiation. To put this in perspective, 7 1/2 years ago my Uncle Died of this same exact cancer. He was in stage 3 and was given 9 months to live with 10% change of treatment being effective. He quit chemo after 5 weeks because he could not tolerate, it made him VERY sick and he wanted to spend his remaining time loving and enjoying his family. He got to where he was able to surf again, work again, and be healthy for a few months before he died 8 months after diagnosis when his tumor grew and collapsed his trachea. My Dad feels no symptoms at this moment however, he has suffered from severe back injury and been on pain meds for some time now. It may be that symptoms he linked to his back injury were actually cancer symptoms. He thought being on pain meds caused him to lose about 40 pds in the last 8 months however, the Doctors says this is more likely to be from the cancer. Please pray for healing, My dad would begin to eat healthy (and eat a LOT), that he would quit smoking (he plans on it but, admits he needs a Doctors help), that treatment would be affective, and that he would gain a relationship with Christ (I'm really unsure of where his heart is at this point, he is evasive when I try to talk about it).

I am thankful for best friends who are always their for me no matter what. Friends whose should I can cry on, who I can act rediculous with, and plan scheming dreams with. Friends like Alicia who have seen me through every event in my life (except birth because I am 15 days older, and had to do that by myself.)
I am thankful for other good friends like Samantha. For getting to watch her fall in love and start a new chapter in her life!
I am thankful for new additions to our famly like my little cousin Joshua (top) who is a true miracle baby and my little "niece" Ashlynn (bottom)


I am so very thankful for family both immediate and extended. here is my immediate family when I was little. I'm thankful that God kept us together for so many years, even though most parents would have given up under the trials my parents had. I'm thankful that for now each of them have their health. I am so thankful that even with my Dads cancer diagnoses, he is in Gods grip, and I am thankful that he can use this for his good, perhaps even to draw my family back together/closer together!
I am thankful for scanners and that my grandma's doesn't rearrange. Because of those two things I have been able to scan over 300 pictures from the past, pictures dating back as far as my great, great grandmother and share them with out of state cousins who never had the chance to browse through this like I did. This one is of my grandma and grandpa when they first started dating...
I am thankful for the fabulous four, Josh, Levi, Gabe, and Kenzie, who all bring a smile to my face, make me feel loved, and remind me of the importance of being a Christ like example...because they are always watching.
I am thankful for my sweet puppy Kalika. She has snuggled up to me during countless tears and illnesses. She has an uncanny knack of knowing I am getting sick before me, of knowing when women are pregnant, and knowing when I am upset. She keeps me active, reminding me even on gloomy days a good walk can lift you up. She makes me laugh and smile, and forces me out of bed on depressing days. A dog can do a lonely aching heart some serious good!
This moment, and every moment I am blessed with him after it, I am so incredibly greatful for. The moment I met, saw, and held my sweet nephew for the first time. I never knew this feeling of love. Even though he is far from "mine", he feels like he is partly mine. My sister would say he is HERS, and I know he is ultimately God but, knowing he entrusted Zackery's life to my family, that he chose me to be his Auntie, it's a truly special feeling. Now he is one, and he smiles when he sees me, reaches out for me, and goes for swims and bike rides for me. He melts my heart. I have never worried so much for a child as for him. I worry about his physical health. I worry about the man he will become. I worry he will be scarred emotionally, or his personality will be changed because of circumstances surrounding his life. It's so, so, so different. I feel such a burden (in a good way) to love him and proclaim Christ to him, to be an example of unconditional love, to speak truth over him, and pray over him constantly. If I feel this for my nephew....how much more is it with your own kid?

I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed beyond measure.

Top 10 names

A young girl has a heart similar to mine! She started a MEME of FUTURE names for your children! For a hopeless romantic who has been dreaming of her kids since she was 4, I've had many, many names picked out. Here are my top 10 to date:

1. Lydia Krystine (God picked this name out for my first daughter)

2. Jedidiah Moses (Jed for short, and what little boy does not want to me a little Jedi?)

3. Andrew Christopher

4. Johanna Ruth

5. Elijah Jacob

6. Elliana Marie (Little Elly!)

7. Rose Emily

8. Lilly Katherine

9. Benjamin David

10. Emerson Nathaniel

10 years old....Johsua!!!

A decade ago...my buddy Joshua was born, November 20th. His family or siblings have been spotlighted here a few times :0). Josh, Joshua, Joshy, Monster, Turd, kiddo, Bud, any of these are nick names I've used for him. He was 3 months old when I met him, and I was 12. He became the first baby I was to babysitt for. And 10 years later, I am still his and his 3 siblings babysitter. I love them as much as I love my nephew, and I love being a part of their lives. It has been an honor to watch him grow from a smiley adorable baby, to an active, loving, "tween". Josh talked early, was always on the go, and made me smile after I lost my best friend. He broke his ankle on my trampoline, sang "Up on the roof top" to me when he wasn't even 3 and remember the lyrics better than I ever could, called be "Bilet" for the longest time, prays for me when I say I have a headache, makes me laugh all the time. He loves God, and this summer proclaimed it publicly with the obedient action of being water baptized. I've never met such a compassionate kid. He prays for the child they sponsor from Africa, when his baby brothers cry and I'm babysitting he always want's to help comfort them, He likes to help me bake, and enjoys one on one time with me. He worries when his sister doesn't feel well. Josh loves to give me big bear hugs, he likes to squeeze the air out of my lungs. He enjoys asking me questions about the bible and sharing with me what he has learned. Even though he is an excellent reader he still likes to have me read him a story. He respects me in a way some 5 year olds don't and even when he is disobedient, he is very apologetic in a sincere way, he really wants to be a good boy. He is an amazing young man, and I am so blessed to know him. He even loves my puppy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY! I HOPE YOUR HAVING FUN AT YOUR PARTY TONIGHT! I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY WII WITH YOU ON Thanksgiving. Your amazing, and I'm excited to see you grow over the next 10 years... by then you will be a young man, and practically my age!!!

Favortie Foto Friday # 23: For crying out loud

I was remarkably surprised at how hard it was to find crying pictures...and I'm the kind of person that doesn't delete bad pictures before uploading them. Hm. Here are some I did manage to find: After you get done looking at all the sour faces, please pray for my Dad, as he was diagnosed with cancer this week. I've written blogs about the details we know so far.

Poor Ruby and had her first bee stings :(
Davis wasn't a big fan of grass
This isn't really a crying face. It's a funny story actually. Caleb went through this aweful whining stage. I started being silly about it. I would get this funny voice and say "EH HEH HEH" really loud. Then I'd say "stop whinning". Pretty soon he started making this face, a similar sound and saying "no whinny". He got to where I could say "caleb, show my your whine" and he would do this. It cracked me up!
My little buddy Gabriel wasn't too happy when I got him up from his nap and he realized Mama was no where to be seen. This is the look I got.
And of course, brand new princess never like to wait for their food.

And then there was Cancer

A couple of months ago my Dad felt like his throat was swollen. At first he thought it was a side effect or allergic reaction to a medication he was taking for pack pain. He stopped taking the medicine but the swelling did not go away. Around this time I also happened to be sick, with a sore throat and a head cold. At this point my Dad began to wonder if maybe he had caught the virus I had. He did in fact get sick with a similar virus so, logically, he attributed the swelling to the illness.

After a month the swelling had not gone down, and my Dad was also experiencing pressure behind his ears. He set an appointment with the primary care physician. The doctor said it did not look like strep throat so he did not need antibiotics but, that his throat looked "funny", he mentioned a possible cleft palate (that's weird, I mean why would a 52 year old man suddenly have a cleft palate?). A referral was written to an ENT.

My Dad knows his throats anatomy is not typical because he has scar tissue from being intihbated, on life support and removed, and from surgeries from a traumatic experience when he was younger.

The ENT took a look, and knowing my Dads story said everything looked more or less normal. He said their were some warts on his voice box but this is actually very typical, most people never even know they are their. However, my Dad obviously had some swelling and my Uncle (his Older brother) died shortly before his 50th birthday due to cancer of the throat. The ENT decided it was cause for concern and ordered and ultra sound of my Dads throat.

By the time of the first Ultra sound the swelling had gone down in my Dads throat, apparently the antibiotics had worked. Both my Dad and the ENT thought things would be normal but better safe than sorry. As it turned out, the first Ultra sound showed extra lymph nodes ( I don't know details here, this is what my Dad said). So, they ordered a 2nd ultrasound for a guided biopsy. Again, the ENT told my Dad not to worry as things were likely to be normal.

I had even forgotten about the whole thing. They day of the biopsy, I remembered when my Dad called me and sounded scratchy. I asked how things were and he said he was sore but otherwise fine. He had been surprised because his swelling was on the right side, and yet they biopsied the left, apparently that is where the extra lymph nodes were. It seems test results always take forever to get back and no one was worried.

Well, my brother and I are the only one's living at home right now. My sister has excommunicated herself, my Mom moved out a few months ago, and my older sister is pushing 30 and has lived on her own for awhile. Its the 3 of us and the dogs. We are rarely all here at the same time, with my brother working nights, sleeping days, and spending spare time at his girlfriends or dirtbike riding, my Dad taking care of my grandmas needs, trying to get back to work, and me working, studying, babysitting, and taking care of grandmas dog, we just aren't all together very often.

Monday we had a chance moment of us all together. I was watching a recorded episode of smallville and my brother plopped down on the couch to watch it for a minute. I paused and ran to the bathroom. When I came back Dad was talking to Warren. Then he said "Well, since I have both of you here".... at that moment I knew what was coming... somehow I knew it wasn't a lecture about money, or cleaning up after yourself, or not knowing what was going to happen with grandma...somehow I knew it was about the biopsy.... by Dad stalled, going on about the story from the beginning, which Warren and I both knew.... He finally got around to saying it...."They found cancer"... and I started balling. I didn't think I'd get so upset, I mean, we don't know much yet. But it hit me hard. No one ever wants to hear the "C" word. I immediately thought of all the times when I was 15 I wished he were dead....of all the times I imagined him in a car accident or some such craziness.... Dad went on to talk some more, about how his brother had cancer, how we don't know exactly where it is or what it is, or how bad. All we know is some cancerous cells came back. I calmed down just to look at my brother and see he too had tears streaming down his face....that never happens. My brother doesn't cry. So, I started crying again. My Dad got up, let the room, and came back. He was crying too. My Dad never cries. I walked in on him crying in the bathroom after his brother died, and he was pissed. That is the only time I had seen him cry. This time he cried freely in front of 2 of his 4 kids. He said he didn't know how to tell us this. He said his kids were his life, something he has never said before.

In that moment I realized exactly how much us kids mean to my Dad, and how much he means to us. I am ashamed to say I've yelled at my Dad in anger that he cares more about money than us. It hit home to hear him say he had waited 4 days to tell us this because he did not know how to, because we mean the world to him. I know he always wants to be there for us, to help us and care for us, he always has been, and I think we both thought he always would be, at least until we didn't need him so much anymore.

We don't know where this journey will take us yet. He may have a small tumor, or just a wary lymph node. He may need surgery, radiation, or who knows what. It my be simple and short, or they may find this is a spread of something more serious in another part of his body. We know we are in for plenty more tests and appointments, which begin with a consultation week from tomorrow.

The last two days I've gone from being "fine" and optomistic because after all, we don't know much, to crying a monsoon of tears because I think I may not get to dance to "butterfly kisses" with my Daddy at my wedding.

To think just a week ago I was telling my best friend that when my parents are old and need to be taken care of, I want to let them live with me, and when they get beyond that, I will hire someone to care for them in my home.... A week ago, cancer wasn't a part of my world. Today, it's a huge part. Bigger than I ever imagined.

But you know....God is still on his throne. He is bigger than cancer. Oh, and he is the same God he was before I knew my Dad had cancer. He hasn't changed.

Something else just went wrong.

Things around our house have been....difficult. In the last year My Dad has been out of work due to a horrible back injury, my Mom left, my little sister cut off contact from our entire family (except my Mom), my grandfather died, my uncle moved out of state with his wife and his first child (who is a miracle) to start a business which failed, my grandmother has lost half her body weight, much of her health, and her will to live. My Dad has asked/said "What else can possible go wrong". You know the saying, when it rains it pours.... something else can always go wrong. It really can.

For us, something else went wrong, things just got worse.

My Dad just got the results back to a guided ultra sound biopsy which was "guaranteed" to come back normal. It didn't. The biopsy was of lymph nodes in his throat, and they came back cancerous. We don't know any more than that at this point. We know it's not in his lungs, he had a chest x-ray. We know he has had pressure behind his ears. We also know that my Uncle (his brother) died of cancer that started in his tonsils, 7 1/2 years ago.

So far, my Dad, My, My brother, my friend Joanna, and my youth pastors wife know. And of course, any readers. We haven't event old my Mom yet.

Please pray. I will blog mor elater

FFF: # 22 GIVING kisses, and blowing WISHES!

I twisted the theme a little bit this week for two reasons:
I wanted to show off pictures from my recent trip to California visiting family AND I've been wanting to share these photos of the little boy I nannied (and still babysitt for) since I took them :) ...

This is me, giving my brand new little "Niece" Ashlynn Grace, some love.

Jaelynn Loving on Ashlynn (she's the big sister!)
Quin, Hiedi, and myself are cousins, Here is Hiedi's daughter Erin kissing and loving Quin's baby Ashlynn. She loved having Ashlynn around and walked around saying "Baby! Baby Nigh Nigh" Shhhhhhh....". So cute!
Caleb is such a cute little guy! On this day I taught Caleb how to make a wish and blow all the fuzzies off of a Dandilion
He was fascinated by it and giggled a lot