The Fear manifests in a dream

I had a nightmare last night. I have no idea what brought it on. None of my dreams make complete sense but, often, they have very vivid points.

This dream started out on my wedding day. I was frantically trying to get things done, pick things up, put together all the last minute thing ( I have NO idea who I was marrying!). Nothing was going right and I was on the verge of Panic. The last problem was that I couldn't get my veil. As I was yelling at someone, angry and in despair that my wedding was going to be a total disaster, panicking about time etc., I got a phone call. Nothing could have prepared me for that call. My Mom said my brother was dead. I didn't believe her. I though it was some sort of SICK wedding day joke. I felt nauseated that she'd do something like this. I said it wasn't funny. She said she was serious. Warren had taken a corner to fast on his street bike, and went of the road, down a cliff. I started saying "no no no no".. screaming it, saying it wasn't true and couldn't be true. I started saying maybe it wasn't his bike, maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was a friend riding his bike. My Mom said "No baby, it was him. I went to the crash sight, I held his body. He was almost unrecognizable but, I'd know my son anywhere. Oh Sweetie, I wish it wasn't true but, Warren is gone".

How I wish the dream ended there. It went on, and I experienced every emotion and reaction I could imagine experiencing if I'd truly lost my on brother, my baby brother. I was nauseated, scared, lost, confused, dizzy... and so on. I denied it. I wanted to see the bike, see his body, but mostly, I wanted to see him...ONE...LAST...TIME. My silly, obnoxious, loving, teasing, bratty, busy, hardworking, baby brother couldn't be gone. He just couldn't be. Obviously, my wedding was off.

Suddenly, my little sister and I were going to school. It was our first day back after my brothers accident. It was too soon. I don't know why we went. Everyone bombarded us with questions. I was nauseated again. Where was my brother? He was suppose to be there, at school, with us. What these kids were asking, saying couldn't be true. He was at home sick. He was on an extended vacation, off with some friends. He slept in late. He wasn't dead. Why were the teachers asking me how I was doing? I was fine, of course, it was just another day at school. No it wasn't. It was a day at school without my brother in my life. My only brother. Oh God, I don't have a brother anymore. The day couldn't get worse. And then, it did. A gunman shoots the ceiling (I know why this happened, a mirror fell of the wall of the room I was sleeping in and I incorporated the sound into my dream) and then he begins chasing us around the school, herding students this way and that way, hundreds of students pouring into halls. Somehow the gunman is stopped and we are all safe. I'm worried for my sister. Where is she. We need to leave, this is insane. She isn't safe here. I can't lose her too. I find her, we run to the office, demand to be let out (the school is still locked down). They say we need parent permission. I scream we do not. I'm falling apart, sobbing hysterically. So is my sister. I'm holding her. My friend from school (a real life friend I met at college) is there, she comes up and gives me a hug. She doesn't say a word. She has one brother, her baby brother. I know she can empathize with me. She is the only one not to say a word, not to say "she's sorry"... just hug me. I calm down, take my sister to a way I know out of the school. We start walking home as I try to call my Dad on his cell phone to come get us. We take a weird path, there is garbage on the trail, below the street. I see two things I once took out of my car and put on the side of the road, to come back for later, and had forgotten about. I make a mental not to come back for it this time, not to forte. But, I doubt I will remember. I lift my sister up onto the road. Then I pull her back down. AFraid it's not safe. I hold her and sob into her hair....

and then I wake up.
I've lost people I love. All the emotions were the same, only intensified. I though I was going to lose my Dad. But, my brother. He thinks he is invincible. I think he is too. I know he's not but, he's so young, strong, healthy. I wouldn't lose him. But I could. Tomorrow he could be gone. It happened to a friend of mine. Her little brother drowned. HE knew how to swim. I don't know if I could handle this. Losing my brother, losing a sibling. I hope I don't have to find out, at least not for a LONG LONG LONG time.