They Day AFTER Cinco De Mayo

In previous years, I've written about the death anniversary of Andrew, my first boyfriend, my best friend. Yesterday, was 9 years since he was welcomed into heaven. Overall, I miss him on "special occasion" days but I don't feel sad. I remember him with happiness, and a feeling of blessing that I knew him, and I knew him in a way most did not get to know him. This year, I'd planned on going to a meeting at work and then just spending some alone time but, I got asked to stay at work and I was fine with that... at first.

THe shift went good but, I found out the reason I was called in was because a co-worker was in the process of miscarrying. Oh how my heart aches for her loss!

Because working today's shift would have put me in the overtime category, my manager shifted my schedule around, and as I was leaving tonight she informed me I wouldn't be working tomorrow. And on my way home, I kind of lost it. I'd already been thinking about "the day after" and was glad I'd be working. Because "the day after" Andrew died, was harder than the DAY he died.

Now, I face today (the day after) with emptiness. No plans. I'm sure I can do something with my nieces and cousin. I can spend some alone time. But I've really come to realize that while I like to plan to keep the day of busy, it's the day after I make myself busy.

I feel like I"m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm sure this is linked to that fact that I've already been feeling anxious and overwhelmed on my days off if I have no plans. Something about this new life I'm living here in Ca. has me needing to stay very very very busy, or I get anxious. Today, I want to be busy busy busy.

They day of, I didn't get the news until late at night. The day of, it didn't seem real. They day off I cried, and took some medicine and went to sleep. They day after, I woke up to find my nightmare was my reality. The day after I had to go see his family, all at home for the first time in months because he wasn't at the hospital anymore. The day after, I heard "our song" for the first time, the song he picked out for us without me knowing, and wrote down in a journal. The day after, people told me how sorry they were. The day after....

I think some of my strong physical anxiety reaction is a sort of psychological memory of the day after May 5th nine years ago. That day had been all planned out too, and then suddenly, it wasn't. Suddenly it was empty.... Suddenly I was a young teenager who was experiencing her first serious brush with death....

They day of his death, he had still been alive. He was still in the world that day. They day after, was the first day in which he didn't exist in my world. It was the first day of my life that he wouldn't be a part of. It was a different life from the one I had known, and mostly loved. I don't want it to be the day after. And, I don't want the day off of work.