Posts
Friday, January 23, 2009
Favorite Photo Friday: # 28 : New
This week the theme is "NEW". I had to share these photos of my Nephew's NEW toy, a walker. He is 17 months old, and still not walking AT ALL. Doctors have declared him physically delayed and in need of physically therapy, which was done a few months ago but my sister did not follow through with. However, she is looking into it again. I have been BUGGING my Mom to get him a walker and she FINALLY did. Guess what!?! He LOVES it and does amazing with it! Hopefully he will be doing on is own soon! Other "new" things this week are that my Dad started radiation. Today he has surgery for a port, and this MOnday he starts chemotherapy. Please keep us in your prayers! 
Saturday, January 17, 2009
First Picnik creation!
Renee over at myspecialks has mentioned the free online photo editor "picnik" a few times on her blog, with these ADORABLE creations she has made. I just HAD to try it. My Nephews BIG BLUE eyes are the perfect things to play with, especially when he is wearing the coat/hat/gloves that match his eyes almost perfectly!!!! So, here is my first Picnik creation!!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
FFF # 28: One word themes: EYES
In my grandmothers eyes, there wisdom.
In my Nephews eyes there is wonder
In my Niece Jaelynn's (also known as my cousins daughter) eyes, there is excitement
In my new nieces eyes (Jaelynn's baby sister) I see curiousity
In my Nephews eyes there is wonder
In my Niece Jaelynn's (also known as my cousins daughter) eyes, there is excitement
In my new nieces eyes (Jaelynn's baby sister) I see curiousity
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
feeling sad...and scared
People, things are rough! I'm overwhelmed. School, Work, take care of house, take care of Dad. Try and get my SELF in shape, physically, emotionally, spiritually) It's a lot. I find myself thinking all too much, all too often.
Dad had a feeding tube placed 3 weeks ago, and the thing is driving him CRAZY. They may place a new one, a different kind, see if that works better for him. I think he would prefer the MICKEY BUTTON.
Friday he is having a PORT placed. Basically, a sort of shunt in his vein, so they don't have to give him a needle poke, and IV every time he gets CHEMO, which would fry and blow his veins.
Monday the 19th he starts radiation, and a week later he starts chemotherapy.
Dad looks sick now. Over the last year he had lost weight but, he had weight to lose, and he actually began looking healthier. Now, he is still losing weight. He doesn't look healthy anymore. Just since June he seems to have aged 10 years. His clothes hang on his body, his hair has gotten a lot more gray in it. Every line of age has deepend.
The other night, he was sitting at the table, and I was on the couch. I just kept looking at his profile, and my eyes weld up with tears. He looks old. 53 and he looks OLD. He looks fragile. He looks sick. When I went to help him flush and clean his feeding tube, I thought "there are indentations where muscle should be, he is waisting away". Not 5 minutes later he tells me the cancer is eating away at his muscles, and points to one of the very indentations I had thought should not be there. Worry is carved into his brow.
I had a thought the other day that suprised me. My Uncle died of this cancer 7 years ago. I'd always wished he'd survived, for my Cousins and my Aunt. For all us here, just to know he was still around. I was very sad when he was gone.When my couisn had a beautiful baby girl, and I first saw a picture, I thought how sad steve didn't get to see her. When I met that baby girl last year, and saw her again this past October, I just imagined how bitter sweet it must be for my cousin to remember what a great Dad she had, and think what a great grandpa he woudl have been. Even those thoughts though, were surface. Now, I kind of get it. Now..., now I wish he was here for a very differen reason. Now, I wish he had beat cancer so my Dad could have his big brother telling him "I beat this crud, you can too". Instead my Dad has a looming death warrant over his head. He is probably thinking "This stuff brought down my big brother, now it's going to get me"
If my happy, silly, comedian of an Uncle couldn't beat it, how is my cynical, negative, "the world is against me" kind of a guy Dad going to beat it? I know my Dad is more than this. I know he is a fighter, he has defied more odds the I can relay here. This Man had a radiator blow up on him, a woman stab him multiple times in the face, neck, chest, and back, Fell out of a truck and was drug, ripping the skin off his back, was in another accident that broke his jaw....he has escaped death multiplte times, he wasn't suppose to live, and if he did, he was suppose to be in a vegetable like state. But will this take him? This slow, multiplying, healthy cell eating, destroyer that has become a disease of our generation? Will this bring down the odd, frustrating, loving, strong, fearce protector, and never ending provider I call my father? And if he does survive, will I feel guilty? Will my cousins wonder why my Dad made it and not theirs? Will he wonder why he beat it?
Months from now, will I be looking over at that same table, and know he will never sit their again? Will I get to see the pride in his eyes when I get my BA this June? When I meet someone special, will my brother have to be the one to give permission for my hand in marriage? Will Dad not walk me down the aisle and give me away? Will I ever see him look down adoringly at his grand daughters and grandsons that I bore, the way he looks at my nephew? Will he never get to eat Christmas dinner at my house, or help me fix the plumbing after toddlers clog it up with toys and too much toilet paper? Will I someday get to give back the provision he has given me, by offering him a mother in law apartment in my home? Will I ever get to hold a TRULY old hand, one of 85 +, one with white hair, and still deep brown eyes so like mine, and finally understand him, understand what he has done for me, and thank him for everything? Will I have to say goodbye all to soon?
Dad had a feeding tube placed 3 weeks ago, and the thing is driving him CRAZY. They may place a new one, a different kind, see if that works better for him. I think he would prefer the MICKEY BUTTON.
Friday he is having a PORT placed. Basically, a sort of shunt in his vein, so they don't have to give him a needle poke, and IV every time he gets CHEMO, which would fry and blow his veins.
Monday the 19th he starts radiation, and a week later he starts chemotherapy.
Dad looks sick now. Over the last year he had lost weight but, he had weight to lose, and he actually began looking healthier. Now, he is still losing weight. He doesn't look healthy anymore. Just since June he seems to have aged 10 years. His clothes hang on his body, his hair has gotten a lot more gray in it. Every line of age has deepend.
The other night, he was sitting at the table, and I was on the couch. I just kept looking at his profile, and my eyes weld up with tears. He looks old. 53 and he looks OLD. He looks fragile. He looks sick. When I went to help him flush and clean his feeding tube, I thought "there are indentations where muscle should be, he is waisting away". Not 5 minutes later he tells me the cancer is eating away at his muscles, and points to one of the very indentations I had thought should not be there. Worry is carved into his brow.
I had a thought the other day that suprised me. My Uncle died of this cancer 7 years ago. I'd always wished he'd survived, for my Cousins and my Aunt. For all us here, just to know he was still around. I was very sad when he was gone.When my couisn had a beautiful baby girl, and I first saw a picture, I thought how sad steve didn't get to see her. When I met that baby girl last year, and saw her again this past October, I just imagined how bitter sweet it must be for my cousin to remember what a great Dad she had, and think what a great grandpa he woudl have been. Even those thoughts though, were surface. Now, I kind of get it. Now..., now I wish he was here for a very differen reason. Now, I wish he had beat cancer so my Dad could have his big brother telling him "I beat this crud, you can too". Instead my Dad has a looming death warrant over his head. He is probably thinking "This stuff brought down my big brother, now it's going to get me"
If my happy, silly, comedian of an Uncle couldn't beat it, how is my cynical, negative, "the world is against me" kind of a guy Dad going to beat it? I know my Dad is more than this. I know he is a fighter, he has defied more odds the I can relay here. This Man had a radiator blow up on him, a woman stab him multiple times in the face, neck, chest, and back, Fell out of a truck and was drug, ripping the skin off his back, was in another accident that broke his jaw....he has escaped death multiplte times, he wasn't suppose to live, and if he did, he was suppose to be in a vegetable like state. But will this take him? This slow, multiplying, healthy cell eating, destroyer that has become a disease of our generation? Will this bring down the odd, frustrating, loving, strong, fearce protector, and never ending provider I call my father? And if he does survive, will I feel guilty? Will my cousins wonder why my Dad made it and not theirs? Will he wonder why he beat it?
Months from now, will I be looking over at that same table, and know he will never sit their again? Will I get to see the pride in his eyes when I get my BA this June? When I meet someone special, will my brother have to be the one to give permission for my hand in marriage? Will Dad not walk me down the aisle and give me away? Will I ever see him look down adoringly at his grand daughters and grandsons that I bore, the way he looks at my nephew? Will he never get to eat Christmas dinner at my house, or help me fix the plumbing after toddlers clog it up with toys and too much toilet paper? Will I someday get to give back the provision he has given me, by offering him a mother in law apartment in my home? Will I ever get to hold a TRULY old hand, one of 85 +, one with white hair, and still deep brown eyes so like mine, and finally understand him, understand what he has done for me, and thank him for everything? Will I have to say goodbye all to soon?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Favorite Photo Friday: # 27 One word Theme is COLD
We had a HUGE snow this year, especially for our area. The amount of snow was bigger than any we'd had since 1996, and really, this storm topped that one. It snowed good for about 2 days, then we had an Alaskan cold front, and it dropped to 3 degree in my neighborhood, and even down to -2 in some areas. Here, I snapped a picture of the computer in my Moms car that gives the time, date, direction headed, and temp. at this point it was 7 degrees!
My Mom cares for an elderly woman who lives on a local lake, here is the view after the first round of snow
After a day or two of sunny but very chilly days, it got overcast. This pictures was taken across the street from my house, on the way back from the neighborhood park.
Once the clouds rolled in again, all the RAIN seattle is known for, fell as SNOW. We totalled out at 15 inches but it was probably more like 18, because a little melted before the final dump
Coming home from visiting my Mom. I was at a complete stop when we took this picture. This was before the final blast. After that final blast, the streets were one big sheet of compact snow, with a layer of ice under that. It wasn't actually that bad until it started to melt, then refroze. It made the streets one bumpy, slushy, icky MESS. NOw it is mostly gone, except piles of snow from where it was plowed.
I hope you enjoy this picture of Kalika. She LOVES snow but, it collects on her fur in snow balls. She got to where she couldn't/wouldn't walk. I had to take a picture!!! I'm sure she was COLD. I call her my little abominable snow dog-monster. Don't worry, right after, I took her home, gave her a warm bath, and she snuggled up next to the wood stove the rest of the night!
My Mom cares for an elderly woman who lives on a local lake, here is the view after the first round of snow
After a day or two of sunny but very chilly days, it got overcast. This pictures was taken across the street from my house, on the way back from the neighborhood park.
Once the clouds rolled in again, all the RAIN seattle is known for, fell as SNOW. We totalled out at 15 inches but it was probably more like 18, because a little melted before the final dump
Coming home from visiting my Mom. I was at a complete stop when we took this picture. This was before the final blast. After that final blast, the streets were one big sheet of compact snow, with a layer of ice under that. It wasn't actually that bad until it started to melt, then refroze. It made the streets one bumpy, slushy, icky MESS. NOw it is mostly gone, except piles of snow from where it was plowed.
I hope you enjoy this picture of Kalika. She LOVES snow but, it collects on her fur in snow balls. She got to where she couldn't/wouldn't walk. I had to take a picture!!! I'm sure she was COLD. I call her my little abominable snow dog-monster. Don't worry, right after, I took her home, gave her a warm bath, and she snuggled up next to the wood stove the rest of the night!
Friday, January 2, 2009
FFF # 26: Favorite photo of 2008
This pictures has been one of my favorites since it was taken in June 0f 2008. It was taken at the wedding of my best friends little brother. While we were all being seated my Dad snuggled and played with my 10 month old nephew, and I shot this pictures. My Dad looked so good, showered, clean shaven, wearing a nice blue/green button up shirt. He was looking healthy too. He had lost weight over the previous year but, at that point, not to much. Still struggling and out of work, for some reason this month he had been happier than he had for a long time. My grandpa had not yet passed, grandma was still doing well, I had just moved home. We has stress but, nothing like what was to come in just a short few weeks. Since then grandpa flew home with Jesus, grandma's health rapidly deteriorated, Dad has had two surgeries and been diagnosed with stage IV cancer, and suddenly he has aged 10 years. I know that pictures of my Dad and Nephew may always be in short demand. This pictures glimpses my Dad happy, proud, and you can see the gentle loving side of him. I hope one day it will be one of my Nephews favorites. I hope that if my nephew never gets to know my Dad, he has this to tell him my Dad loved him. If my Dad never gets to hold a child of mine, this picture will remind me that he would have loved them and held them. This picture....my Dad a Grandpa.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Christmas 2008
My little sister Shannon and our Grandma
Grandma, myself, and my little Nephew Zackery
Ummm....I did NOT show him how to shake present (hehehe...)
The family at dinner, I'm takign the pick, you cannot see Zackery who is in the right corner, and you can only see my sister boyfriends head.
Our tree
This year was a different holiday season for us. For me personally, it just didn't seem to feel special much. I don't know why but I never did get into the "Christmas Spirit". I had my Moments, like when it was dumping large quantities of snow outside the week before Christmas, or on Christmas eve when our tree was finally up and decorated, or when I did a batch of ginger snaps and the house smelled like molasses. It's not like I did not know the true meaning of Christmas, and I still had a deep gratitude at remembering the true reason but seriously, this year I felt like "Cindy Lou Who" looking out my window singing about where Christmas had gone and why can't I find it. I know this is in part that the maitenence of my relationship with Christ has been seriously lacking. I haven't been consistently spending time with him, reading my bible, or praying un-distractedly. Not spending time with God, brings worry and discontent ment, feeling down on myself and angry about where life is at. My family was broken with my sister not speaking to most of us, my grandma was in a nursing home and unable to leave for for the holiday, grandpa was spending christmas in heaven, and my Aunt and Uncle had uprooted to another state, where they had a baby and were unable to come home this holiday season. I was still single without the glimmer of someone who could turn into someoen special, and I did homework until the 23rd. The only Christmas party I had been invited to was cancelled, I had next to NO money for Christmas presents for friends and family. Ok, ok, now I'm whining. I was ok with no presents, we all kept it VERY VERY low key with the knowledge of Dads cancer and that he would be out of work for at least six months, possibly much much longer.
I spent Christmas even in my room, reading the Christmas story, my own tradition, and I concluded that THIS year, I would finally ask to read it to my entire family, who doesn't focus on Jesus on this day. Christmas day arrived, my estranged sister did come to dinner and I think we were all able to break some walls there. But, sadly, my brother tells everyone at the last minute he needs to hurry and eat because he was called into work 6 hours early! This rushed our dinner, and made everyone anxious. Since my brother was in such a hurry, my older sister and her long time boyfriend skiddaddled shortly too, they were parked behind him and figured rather than just move their car, they'd leave too. I took my previously estranged sister and sweet nephew to see our ailing grandmother in the nursing home, which went well but Grandma does look so sick and made me wonder if she will be here next year, or if we will have said good by to her and be missing yet another person at our dinner table (and if we will alos be missing Dad). Nephew was so cute with her though. She brushed her hair and he pointed to it and said "That", she gave it to him and he started brushing his hair, as well as mine.
On the way home my sister and I had a LONG chit chat about stuff, and I think we more or less reconciled. I also think she will try to have a relationship with the rest of the family. It's going to be HARD with her disability and thought processes being so different. I tend to be pushy about God and need to watch that. I want to just love her but, have a hard time because she flat out told me she believes in GOd, and believes that the bible tells us how we are suppose to live but that "she has her own standards". SHe truly believes she loves God and is a Christian but simply will not live for God. That is hard for me, I dont understand it and if even makes me angry, Isn't their something that says "IF you LOVE me you WILL obey me? I'm not perfect but I DO try. It's easier with say, my Dad, who just says he does not believe in the bible. I guess I just have to allow God to show me how to love her and be careful to keep away from spiritual conversations right now.
Over all, everyone showed up for dinner at 5:30pm and was gone by 7:30pm, except Shannon who was there until 9:00pm after visiting grandma. My favorite part of the day was waking up to a HARD snow. It had been snowing off and on for over a week, with a CRAZY for hour area, 15 inches accumulation, actually more like 20 inches but about 5 inches melted before it started snowing again. It was the first white Christmas here in 18 years. Actually, that wasn't the best part, the best part was the conversation with my little sister, hard and frustrating as it was, it had to happen and I'm glad it did. The night ended with my Mom (who hasn't lived with us since April 2008 but still comes around a lot and has not filed for a legal seperation or divorce), picking a fight with my Dad (She said things she KNEW would infuriate him, and she left crying, he went to bed angry, I cleaned up after a huge meal for 8 by myself. But, I fell asleep on our couch, staring out our Christmas tree, appreciating it still, since I went myself Christmas even, drug it home, had Dad help put on lights, and put on the ornaments myself while Dad sat and watched, and put on Christmas music for us. Actually, I liked waiting until Christmas Eve to get my tree. It is a gorgeous tree, it was FREE because by the time we got it, the sellers of the lot had left leaving a bunch of "FREE TREE" signs, I guess they had some Christmas eve thing to do, and I can enjoy it awhile after Christmas....even after today, New Years day.
Grandma, myself, and my little Nephew Zackery
Ummm....I did NOT show him how to shake present (hehehe...)
The family at dinner, I'm takign the pick, you cannot see Zackery who is in the right corner, and you can only see my sister boyfriends head.
Our tree
This year was a different holiday season for us. For me personally, it just didn't seem to feel special much. I don't know why but I never did get into the "Christmas Spirit". I had my Moments, like when it was dumping large quantities of snow outside the week before Christmas, or on Christmas eve when our tree was finally up and decorated, or when I did a batch of ginger snaps and the house smelled like molasses. It's not like I did not know the true meaning of Christmas, and I still had a deep gratitude at remembering the true reason but seriously, this year I felt like "Cindy Lou Who" looking out my window singing about where Christmas had gone and why can't I find it. I know this is in part that the maitenence of my relationship with Christ has been seriously lacking. I haven't been consistently spending time with him, reading my bible, or praying un-distractedly. Not spending time with God, brings worry and discontent ment, feeling down on myself and angry about where life is at. My family was broken with my sister not speaking to most of us, my grandma was in a nursing home and unable to leave for for the holiday, grandpa was spending christmas in heaven, and my Aunt and Uncle had uprooted to another state, where they had a baby and were unable to come home this holiday season. I was still single without the glimmer of someone who could turn into someoen special, and I did homework until the 23rd. The only Christmas party I had been invited to was cancelled, I had next to NO money for Christmas presents for friends and family. Ok, ok, now I'm whining. I was ok with no presents, we all kept it VERY VERY low key with the knowledge of Dads cancer and that he would be out of work for at least six months, possibly much much longer.
I spent Christmas even in my room, reading the Christmas story, my own tradition, and I concluded that THIS year, I would finally ask to read it to my entire family, who doesn't focus on Jesus on this day. Christmas day arrived, my estranged sister did come to dinner and I think we were all able to break some walls there. But, sadly, my brother tells everyone at the last minute he needs to hurry and eat because he was called into work 6 hours early! This rushed our dinner, and made everyone anxious. Since my brother was in such a hurry, my older sister and her long time boyfriend skiddaddled shortly too, they were parked behind him and figured rather than just move their car, they'd leave too. I took my previously estranged sister and sweet nephew to see our ailing grandmother in the nursing home, which went well but Grandma does look so sick and made me wonder if she will be here next year, or if we will have said good by to her and be missing yet another person at our dinner table (and if we will alos be missing Dad). Nephew was so cute with her though. She brushed her hair and he pointed to it and said "That", she gave it to him and he started brushing his hair, as well as mine.
On the way home my sister and I had a LONG chit chat about stuff, and I think we more or less reconciled. I also think she will try to have a relationship with the rest of the family. It's going to be HARD with her disability and thought processes being so different. I tend to be pushy about God and need to watch that. I want to just love her but, have a hard time because she flat out told me she believes in GOd, and believes that the bible tells us how we are suppose to live but that "she has her own standards". SHe truly believes she loves God and is a Christian but simply will not live for God. That is hard for me, I dont understand it and if even makes me angry, Isn't their something that says "IF you LOVE me you WILL obey me? I'm not perfect but I DO try. It's easier with say, my Dad, who just says he does not believe in the bible. I guess I just have to allow God to show me how to love her and be careful to keep away from spiritual conversations right now.
Over all, everyone showed up for dinner at 5:30pm and was gone by 7:30pm, except Shannon who was there until 9:00pm after visiting grandma. My favorite part of the day was waking up to a HARD snow. It had been snowing off and on for over a week, with a CRAZY for hour area, 15 inches accumulation, actually more like 20 inches but about 5 inches melted before it started snowing again. It was the first white Christmas here in 18 years. Actually, that wasn't the best part, the best part was the conversation with my little sister, hard and frustrating as it was, it had to happen and I'm glad it did. The night ended with my Mom (who hasn't lived with us since April 2008 but still comes around a lot and has not filed for a legal seperation or divorce), picking a fight with my Dad (She said things she KNEW would infuriate him, and she left crying, he went to bed angry, I cleaned up after a huge meal for 8 by myself. But, I fell asleep on our couch, staring out our Christmas tree, appreciating it still, since I went myself Christmas even, drug it home, had Dad help put on lights, and put on the ornaments myself while Dad sat and watched, and put on Christmas music for us. Actually, I liked waiting until Christmas Eve to get my tree. It is a gorgeous tree, it was FREE because by the time we got it, the sellers of the lot had left leaving a bunch of "FREE TREE" signs, I guess they had some Christmas eve thing to do, and I can enjoy it awhile after Christmas....even after today, New Years day.
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