Why easter is hard for me this year...

My heart hurts tonight. Usually Easter is my favorite time of year, it's my own personal favorite holiday, one that means something so special to me, and one that hasn't been as commercialized or paganized as other Christian holidays. I don't feel obligated to visit 5 different family members homes and try to find a way to really bask in the REAL meaning. Now that the kids are grown my not so Christian family doesn't really care if we do something for Easter, which means I can spend plenty of time reflecting, soaking up my Jesus, pouring over the Easter story and what it means for MY life....for YOUR life. I focus for a moment on that fact that God so LOVED ME he sent his only son for ME... Jesus loved ME so much that he DIED for me.... and they both loved me so much that Jesus paid my penalty, rose again, and conquered death...typing that gives me goose bumps. It's the one time of year I don't question WHY he would love ME so much, with all my faults and failures.... I just know he DOES. 

But.... I must be honest that this year it is hard. This year, I want my Mom and Dad beside me in that church pew, listening for the 100th time how Jesus went to Calvary for our sins AND BELIEVING it. This year, I want to show off my 1.5 year old nephew in his easter best, all while turning around to give the compliments back to my sister. This year I DONT want to think about how hard it was for me to gain the courage to visit my Dad in the nursing home, only for him to tell me he hates our family, and I shouldn't come visit him if I'm only going to talk about things that upset him (only in much meaner words.... and I had no idea what I was saying would upset him AT ALL). I don't want to look at all the 3 or 4 generations of women sitting together, and be reminded that not only is it not my season to produce a 4th generation but that my Grandmother dislikes me because I am independent and don't let her control or dictate me, and how my Mother isn't their because she believes if you aren't living right you shouldn't go to church because then you are a hypocrite. I certainly don't want to see my friends who are all in the midst of somewhat new and exciting relationships ( I am happy for them but it's so hard to see right now in this season of my life). 

I know that NONE of this is what easter is all about. I know it's not about the little girls in fancy dresses, or having your family take up 2 pews. I know it's not about being perfectly happy. I KNOW. But I still want that. If I can't have my own family there, I'd like to have the beginnings of a family I am creating there. Most days I'm SO ok being single, most days I am enjoying this season, most days I can see the good works God is doing in me to prepare me for partnership but somedays.... there is a haze and I can't see so clearly. Some days what I WANT clouds my view of what I know is best, Gods Timing. It's just that it's hard enough being a single girl from a Non believing family in that 3rd pew any other given Sunday, Easter.... it's really hard. On Easter you see the woman who comes alone with her 3 children every week, with a Man by her side. On Easter, you see the pastors daughter and son in law with their new baby who attend church across town, proudly seated in the front pew. On Easter, you see the entire worship center filled to the brim and everyone knows someone. On Easter, no one thinks to invite the young girl in her 20's over for dinner, because they assume she has somewhere else to go, some loving extended family member who is surely making her a part of their celebration. 

This year I DO have a place to go, and for that I am ever grateful. For the 3 year old who insisted I was coming to church with THEM, I am grateful. For the family that has asked me over, I am grateful. For Jesus, for the resurrection I am more than grateful.  

Wow. My blog is depressing lately. Sorry about that...