Rainbow

The other day I wanted to get on our roof to take a picture of Mt. Baker and Mt. Ranier. It was a sunny and clear day here in Washington, and I knew I could get a good shot. Oddly, our small sturdy ladder which we normally put on the balcony to climb on the roof, was MIA. I still wanted to get up their and I put our really tall, not as sturdy ladder on the ground and up against the roof (our house is 2 stories). I climbed about 1/2 way up and I couldn't go any further, it was just too scary, the ladder was wobbly, it was so much high going from the ground up, and I was home alone. I kind of knew I'd be fine but, I just couldn't do it. It's easier to be brave with an audience.

The next day dawed bright as well and I just HAD to get a picture. My Dad was home, and I asked if he thought it was safe. He stood on the balcony and talked me through it. My Dad, my strong, sturdy, consistent, stable dad... just his presence was enough to calm me and give me courage. So I climbed, all the way, with my Dads cancer on my mind, and wondering how I would get through moments like these without him... and when I got to the top, their was something much better than a mountain top! My heavenly father sent me a message, one of his promise... On my roof, I could see a rainbow, hidden by trees on the ground... If God decides to take my Dad, which we do not know that he will, but if he does, God will still be my father, and will still have that PERFECTLY stable, strong, sturdy and consistent presence. So, here I snap shots of my rainbow....

Now it was time to come down off the roof, and I was scared again. I took of my shoes and sock, fearing that they might slip, and contiplated jumping on the balcony rather than climb down the ladder. I thought my Dad had gone inside.... I knew their was a promise hanging in the sky but, sometimes Gods choices just DON'T make sense...it doesn't make sense that he allowed to let a judge make the decisions to keep one sibling away from the other 4, when someone was willing to give a home to all 5, it doesn't make sense God allowed a 5 year old girl to be murdered when her adoptive family was just a week away from bringing her home....it doesn't make sense that ANdrew died when he was only 15 years old, or that my sister gets a perfect beautiful baby boy that she makes so many mistakes with, it doesn't make sense that my friends husband was killed during his 3rd tour in Iraq, or that he even had to go on a 3rd tour.... and even though I had this promise that he would take care of me.... I still needed my Daddy, I needed him to "ground me"...and their he came, asking if I was ok, telling me I'd be fine, to climb down. holding the ladder sturdy. Will he be their to give me away at my wedding? Will he hold me shaking arm sturdy as I walk down the aisle? Now I wonder, what was Gods' promise? Was he promising to take care of me? Of my Dad? Of my family? Was he promising to heal my Dad? Was he promising he would protect me? Maybe it wasn't even a promise just for me? I know it was but, what was his promise?

THe promise of the rainbow was that he would never again flood the earth. Was he promising something symbolic of "not flooding" me, or my life with to much tragedy...

I dont know... all I know is his promise was in the sky, reminding me that he is their, and he makes promises.

Brother SIster Love

This girl once said if Mom had another boy, she was running away! When asked where she would go, she emphatically said she had PLENTY of time to think about it. It didn't take long however for Kenzie to "get us to it" as she told me. She even picked out a cute middle name for him (Thomas...as compared to her choice with her first baby brother who she wanted to name Lollipop!) Now it is so fun to see her bond with him. She is a great big sister, and you can tell God knew she would be the perfect little girl in a house full of boys. She loves all of them so much. She is a little mommy (which I'm sure drives her parents crazy sometimes, I know that aspect of my personality drove my parents nuts!) but, I know it only means some day she will be as amazing of a Mom as her Mom is to her, especially considering the amazing example she has. She is beautiful inside and out.


And lets not leave this little boy out, with his sweet charm and budding calm yet active crazy personality has my heart stolen! I saw him less than a week ago, and saw him again yesterday. Just in those couple days I swear he developed a few more adorable facial expressions! Little G. loves my dog so much. He loves me too but, he also links me to Mommy leaving so, naturally he only shows the full amount of affection when Mommy is gone. He is starting to really enjoy having is picture taken, he smiles or makes one of those funny new expression, including a scrunchy nose...then, he wants to see the picture.

I love this picture that so obviously shows their love for one another!

FFF: 25 choose your own theme

I had a few too many favorite photos to pick just one this week, or really, even to pick a theme.

So, Thanksgiving evening I trecked of to my favorite families house for an overnighter! Mom and Dad wanted to hit the black Friday sales and I was more than happy to watch the kiddos, as long as I could stay the night, and I did! Kenzie was so cute, she slept with me on my Queen size, double high air mattress, she was very excited. The next morning Gabey Baby woke up EXTRA early, yup, like 4:30 am early. But, he and I has some good quality one on one time, which we never get, we enjoyed our little Pajama party. As all the kids woke up, I dressed the boys in the matching outfits I bought for them (hehehe, I wanted too see them in their outfits) and found Kenzie something kind of coordinating, then I commited them to a photo shoot. Levi was being a turkey (day after thanksgiving Pun intended, lol) and wouldn't smile. I came up with this silly thing he still loves. I tell him "dont smile Levi, don't you dare smile" and he gets a really pouty face. Then I say "SMILE!! and he just laughs and I get those to die for dipples to pop out! Gabe isn't really smiling because all he could think about was how he wanted to get down and run for it! It's still one of the best pictures I've taken of the 4 of them: Joshua is holding Levi, and Mackenzie is holding Gabriel. We went on to watch a movie, play on my air mattress, run around like mad people, eat breakfast, and I even curled Kenzie's hair. She LOVES curly hair and I recently bought a super skinny curler. I thought she would enjoy it if I curled her hair. She did.








Zackery and I spent some time together this week and I got some ADORABLE pictures! One day we went to the local elementary school which has a great wooden park. We got their via my bike and his new bike trailer, which he loves! Here he is up top a sort of maze, looking down at kids playing tag on the ground.





Another day my Mom brought Zackery too the house so I could take him for his first wagon riding. Knowing that pictures of my Dad and Zack are in short supply, I took the opportunity to snap a few shots, He loves his grandpa and my Dad is so of his first grandson. The other day I came home and my Mom had just left. My Dad came up to me with a big grin on his face saying "Zackery said dog today!"....yes, my nephews first word is dog. Haha.



Being it was a nice but chilly day, I utilized the timer on my camera and shot some photos of Z. and I at the park. He giggles when he sees the light flicker on the camera.

Wow. Listen to this!

just watch.

Flipsyde: Happy Birthday

God covers it all

My dad isn't the only one struggling with his health in my family. My grandmother, after losing grandpa in July, has been doing increasingly poorly since his death. She lost 50 pounds, was unable to eat because of digestive issues, sunk into a deep depression, and became just a shadow of the woman I once knew. 

When grandma developed a cystic pressure sore, that became infected and went almost to the bone, from sitting day after day in her rocking chair, she was admitted into the hospital. Then, she was transferred to a nursing home. Grandma is slowly but surely improving. She is having grief therapy, physical therapy, medical treatment, and 3 meals a day which she is managing well. She does not however know about my Dad. We are hoping to let her stablize a little more before telling her. Ok, so I think she needs to know but, my Dad just can't bear to tell her yet. She has been through so much this year already.

Anyway, My grandma just came to the decision that as she improves she does not want to return to her trailer home but, wants to be ins assisted living. This means, her little miniature poodle needs a new home. 

For the last 2 months my Dad and I have been caring for the pooch, feeding him, giving him water, cleaning up after him (he is trained to go potty on papers), and occasionally walking for him. I was doing really well, spending several hours over there somedays. And then things just got busier and harder. I had a few days where I mostly stayed in bad and cried....then I had days of work, and school work both current and late work to do, and no internet access at grandma's trailer. 

With my Dads diagnosis, him returning to work, holidays upon us, and finally poor skeeter (the poodle) getting diarreah and pooping all over grandma's couch... my Dad told me we HAD to re-home him. He is a sweet but very skittish and unsocialized dog. He has been more or less alone for 2 months, and I"m sure his little emotional and mental state isn't good. HE is lonely, scared and confused. If my Dad would allow it I would keep him here but with two dogs already that annoy my Dad to pieces, that just isn't going to happen. 

Last night I was worrying a lot about finding him a good home. My Dad thought I could EASILY get a new home for him because I know so many people. Well, not people that want a dog, or can have a dog. Plus, I was guilty...I wanted to take care of him. Of course I was also ridden with guilt for not taking better care of him that last month and felt sorry for him being alone.

Well, today I became what I never wanted to be, a craigslist dog rehomer. But, you know what, it turned out to be a blessing. GOd knew this was a stress factor for me. I was afraid I wouldn't find a suitable home, or no one would be interested.

Today I got 3 responses, 2 of which seem REALLY promising. One is a little far away but, meeting half way may be worth it. This woman is a single older woman, who owns her own home and works from home. She has no small children in her extended family, and she already has a toy poodle who wants a little friends. WHen she goes on vacation, she takes the dogs with her. She would have plenty of time to socialize, bond, and train him. SHe is older but not elderly. It was such a relief that God has taken care of this. Nothing is set in stone but, I know something will work out, and just getting those responses was such a relief. 

Nearly a panic attack.

Maybe I just need some time with this little man, to make me laugh and forget my worries....afterall, I haven't seen him in like a week!


Ok, since I am in the process of taking maladaptive behaviors and psychopathologies I know that this experience in now way constitutes the conclusions of an actually, medical, panic attack but.. here goes...

I'm a pretty rational person, and I don't get easily worked up. It takes a lot to anger me, a bit less but still quite a bit to upset me in the sad crying sort of way, and even more than both to make me fearful. I mean, I fear for my nephews emotional stability and when I see Levi climbing on a jungle gym my heart skips a beat and I rush under him to catch him if he slips, and when I hear my sister was in a minor car accident I am afraid I'm being lied to and fear she may have undiscovered injuries. But, I'm not afraid of spiders, or snakes. I'm not afraid of heights, or roller coasters. I'm also not afraid of catching some rare disease because I don't wash my hands every time I touch something. I'm just not easily fearful.

Today I was. Some silly little thing. See... I accidently took and expired pain pill, or a couple through out the day. I had a migraine that was not touched by tylenol, advil, or my specific migrain abortive meds. So, I took one of my pain pills. After taking the last one, I noticed the date. Somehow my Dad and I mixed my new bottle that is only a few months old, and his very old bottle. Same medication and dosage, different bottles and dates. I got on line and researched the dangers of expired meds and it said it could be anything from not being effective to the chemical structure having changed and causing death. Huh... earlier that day I I'd had a scratch throat. As I sat at work I was thinking about the info. I read on expired meds, and swore that the proceeded "racing of my heart" was a result and that my throat was swelling. I mean, ever so slightly. I even grabbed my pusre and took a benadryl...just in case...

and tonight, I'm fine, threw the expired meds away...my throat was fine. But, it felt a little scatchy, and suddenly swallowing was weird. Food was going down only one side of my throat. And maybe, just maybe my throat was swelling again. And maybe I'm getting sick. ANd maybe getting sick with a soar throat will lead to them finding cancer....in my throat....

And maybe I'm paranoid and really, really worried about my Dad. And all of my family members who seem to be precariously prone to cancers.

And now, I want all of them to have a whole body scan, and blood and urine tests. Just to make sure they don't have cancer.

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