Life here in Northern California hasn't slowed down. I'm working anywhere from 40 to 50 hours a week, relishing spending time with my niece on days off, and we (my cousin, her family and myself) all moved, and my Aunt is here for an extended visit. In a couple weeks I head back to Washington for my baby sisters wedding and to visit family. It will have been almost 6 months since I've seen any of them, the longest I have gone.

I'm not sure if I announced if my cousin is pregnant! We consider this wee babe a blessing. He/she will be so loved and I'm excited to yet again be an "Auntie". These last couple days Quin has been feeling the first few flutters of the life that grow inside her.

I'm still looking for a church home. I don't always make it to church, and often work Sunday mornings. THe fun part is that I usually do get to go to church with the teenagers I work for, and that is really cool.

Work has had it's challenges. I use to be assigned the level 14 girls home, they moved me to the level 12 girls home, but lately I've been filling in at the Level 14 boys home. I thought it would be scarier to work with level 14 mental ill adolescent boys, than the girls. I was wrong. I actually really enjoy it, and maybe that is even my strength.

I'm finding it's hard to meet young people. I've made, and already even lost a few friends, just coming to a realization they weren't they kind of people I WANT to be friends with. Through that process, I was reminded why we MUST lean on God in our lives, and no depend on others to fill voids.

I'm refocusing on God, and trying to once again make him the CENTER of my life.

Summer is coming to a close and I can hardly believe that. My other nice comes home from her Dads, who lives across the country, in 2 days and I'm excited to have the sweet girl home.

That's it for now !

At work we enjoy taking the kids to the "horse program" a ranch that rehabilitates horses, and allows our kids to work with them. Since I can't post pics. of the kids, here are some that don't include them...

The newest horse. He's young and has lots of personality. His "scoop" back makes him not show quality so he's been donated. The Ranch has plans to naturally smooth out his back.

Ducks! They're so funny and have no problem sharing the pastures with horses!
Jewel, she's one of my favorites. She is a paint was was neglected and severely malnourished but has put on most of the weight she needs to in order to be considered healthy. SHe has the MOST amazing blue eyes, which I didn't know was possible in horses!!!
Just a pretty shot outside a house of my company....

sunset while camping with the girls.
They have a fun street fair/market in town every Thurs. THis Dog was just funny to see while strolling the Market.
Teaching my niece to swim... she loves water but isn't a fun of being on her back. She can float for about 4-5 seconds though!
This was in the bathroom where we got my cousins ultra sound done. This my friends, is one reason why I choose abstinence until marriage. THe chart shows how many "people" you have been exposed to if your current partner has had the same # of other previous partners as you..... so if you've had just 4 partners, and so has your current partner, you've been exposed to 14 other people...
The girls and I saved this baby gopher (who was missing a foot), from certain death! We called wild life rescue and rehab.
my bride's maid's dress and my "Nieces" flower girl dress
My puppies ears covered in weird sticky plant things. I had to shave her ears because of this, they had never been shaved before and I wanted to CRY!!! She had such soft long curly ears!
I live in the middle of nowhere, seriously, we see deer on a weekly basis, I've seen wild bob cats, heard of mountain lion and bear sighting, have saved a baby gopher, seen wild vultures and quail.. and this my friends is one in a flock of wild turkeys that round around my work.
My friends sweet son Peter and I.
Buggie and I on the 4th of July... blessed to be Free!

I've always wanted to be 24!!!!

AT 9:33 this morning, I turned 24 years old. I don’t know why but, I’ve wanted to be 24 for a long time. Something about 24 seems exciting and special. I just have a feeling this will be a big year for me. Plus, many of the amazing mentoring women I have in my life, I met when they were 24.

This is the first year in quite a few that I can say I am happy to be where I am at. Im happy to be who I am. I’m happy. I know it's because I'm working hard to no longer place my happiness on circumstances. I'm working to daily find Joy that comes only from knowing my Creator. Yet, it is also because circumstances have changed that I feel so good to be alive, and rejoicing that God has given me 24 full years on earth. It's because of the obedience I took this year in following a new and unchartered path. It's because, for me and my family, I took the road less traveled by. And God has blessed my obedience.

This year I am rejoicing in who God made me to be. Today I am remember the scriptures that say
 “


Psalms 139: 13-15 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

This year, I do and will continue to truly embrace this. I am WONDERFULLY made. All my days were ordained for me. These are things I have a hard time believing about myself. I want to embrace them.


And who knows... maybe my 25th year will be the year God shows me Mr. Right for me :0).... I've always said I wanted to get married when I'm 25..... lol. If not, I'm ok with that too. Gods showing me just how special I am on my own.

Make new friends....

Moving to a new place is hard. For 20+ years, I lived in the same town, neighborhood, house. I graduated with people I went to kindergarden with. I had friends, family, neighbors, mentors, etc. who I'd known for all to most of my life. There was always somewhere to go when I was bored, or lonely, or antsy, or anything really. At the same time though, I had come to a point of stagnation. I wasn't meeting new people, or building any more meaningful relationships/friendships. Life was at a standstill. I had good in my life but, I wasn't happy.

So on a whim and a prayer, I packed my car and headed south. I know I know, I've said it before but, it's what I did. I found a job. I started to make acquaintances. Some acquaintances became friends. The first real friend I made is L. She was a co-worker of mine and I can't help but believe that fate brought me to my job just a few weeks before she quit because we were meant to be friends. She's amazing. I ran into L. and her wife T. at a park where I go to read, and relax. When I mentioned not knowing if I was going to have enough gas to make it through the day because I was called into work and couldn't deposit my check in time, these two women, one who barely knew me and one who had never met me, handed me a $10 bill and told me to go get gas. I don't know if either of them realizes how much that meant to me. I walked away from them with tears in my eyes because it had been a long time since someone was so generous to me in that way, and because L. and I had made plans to hike the next day. I had needed someone to spend time with that was not my cousin. I had needed a friend of my own here, and I just had a feeling that she could be a good friend, that she was an answer to my prayers. We began going on walks/hikes together, one night she made me an amazing dinner, and we went to see Iron Man 2 together. Fun times. I regret not taking photos of our small adventures.

Up to this point, it hadn't worked out for me to spend much time with T. and since L. was heading out of state for awhile. I decided to make a point in spending time with T. while L. was gone and for some reason, T. accepted my offer to hang out :0). I'm glad she did. We spent an entire day together, and eventually, several more days. Both these women are amazing people. They are generous and kind, smart and beautiful, and have taught me so much already. They are incredibly respectful of who I am and what I believe and I look forward to getting to know them more. On one of our first adventure, T. took my Kayaking, something I had never done before and found to be rather enjoyable. I would so go again! Here are some photos of that adventure. I look forward to documenting many more adventures with my new friends, and of my life here in a small mountain town of California.

It's easy to get caught up in frustrations and disappointments of your circumstances. Easy to focus what you don't have, and what you want. Way to often I find myself coveting what another has that I don't.

Then, just when I get caught up in self pity, God reminds me that I'm doing pretty good. God reminds me how well he has taken care of me. God shows me where I COULD be....

My nieces make me smile EVERY day! Jae's excitement when I come home, Ashlynn's little voice saying "AAAA Tee", so precious!

I go for long walks, almost every day. The scenery is breathtaking. I live in the mountains. There are LOTS of ravines, lots of trees, lots of ponds and creeks and rivers. Lots of wildlife to hear and see.

I'm making new friends. They make life here easier, they bless me. They are teaching me much about different life styles, different belief systems, and how even if they don't believe like I do, they can still be amazing, loving, generous, quality people.

I'm recreating myself. Who I am and who I want to be are different than who I was 3 months ago, or who I wanted to be.

I'm exhausted but I'm happy. This new life is creating new challenges of it's own, and reminding me of old insecurities I thought I'd conquered but actually have not. It's also showing me that things I thought were major challenges, were actually easily overcome.

I'm starting to miss home. Mostly, my nephew and Joanna's family. I'm also realizing how many of my THINGS I miss. Books, my roller blades, my bed, my bike, my kitchen things... not that those things are particularly important... I just miss them. I miss my neighborhood, just walking around the block I grew up on and have SO many memories.

I'm starting to see HERE as home, and know if I left, I would miss here.

I'm starting to feel like this isn't where I'm meant to be. Like, now that I'm here, so many other options are open to me, and it wouldn't be so scary. Maybe I'm suppose to end up in another city in Ca. close by. Maybe I will move to yet another new state, maybe some other country. I just know that "this is not my home".... yet EARTH isn't my home, so I'm sure I would feel that way ANYwhere I lived.

I'm starting to REALLY wish I would meet someone. THE someone. I'm tired of being single.

I really enjoy my new church. Amazing worship. Amazing people.

My job is a challenge. But I love it.

So many changes....

They Day AFTER Cinco De Mayo

In previous years, I've written about the death anniversary of Andrew, my first boyfriend, my best friend. Yesterday, was 9 years since he was welcomed into heaven. Overall, I miss him on "special occasion" days but I don't feel sad. I remember him with happiness, and a feeling of blessing that I knew him, and I knew him in a way most did not get to know him. This year, I'd planned on going to a meeting at work and then just spending some alone time but, I got asked to stay at work and I was fine with that... at first.

THe shift went good but, I found out the reason I was called in was because a co-worker was in the process of miscarrying. Oh how my heart aches for her loss!

Because working today's shift would have put me in the overtime category, my manager shifted my schedule around, and as I was leaving tonight she informed me I wouldn't be working tomorrow. And on my way home, I kind of lost it. I'd already been thinking about "the day after" and was glad I'd be working. Because "the day after" Andrew died, was harder than the DAY he died.

Now, I face today (the day after) with emptiness. No plans. I'm sure I can do something with my nieces and cousin. I can spend some alone time. But I've really come to realize that while I like to plan to keep the day of busy, it's the day after I make myself busy.

I feel like I"m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm sure this is linked to that fact that I've already been feeling anxious and overwhelmed on my days off if I have no plans. Something about this new life I'm living here in Ca. has me needing to stay very very very busy, or I get anxious. Today, I want to be busy busy busy.

They day of, I didn't get the news until late at night. The day of, it didn't seem real. They day off I cried, and took some medicine and went to sleep. They day after, I woke up to find my nightmare was my reality. The day after I had to go see his family, all at home for the first time in months because he wasn't at the hospital anymore. The day after, I heard "our song" for the first time, the song he picked out for us without me knowing, and wrote down in a journal. The day after, people told me how sorry they were. The day after....

I think some of my strong physical anxiety reaction is a sort of psychological memory of the day after May 5th nine years ago. That day had been all planned out too, and then suddenly, it wasn't. Suddenly it was empty.... Suddenly I was a young teenager who was experiencing her first serious brush with death....

They day of his death, he had still been alive. He was still in the world that day. They day after, was the first day in which he didn't exist in my world. It was the first day of my life that he wouldn't be a part of. It was a different life from the one I had known, and mostly loved. I don't want it to be the day after. And, I don't want the day off of work.

Big Changes... are more to come?

So many emotions, so many thing going on...

My amazing and wonderful friend Alicia got married on Saturday. Last week was so busy with wedding stuff, planning, partying (you know, bachelorette, shower, etc.), and preparing. Not to mention all the primping! Lol! But Saturday dawned bright and beautiful (amazing for March in Western Washington), and the small quaint, expedited wedding came together just beautifully. I bawled. Like a new born babe. I really did NOT think I would but oh my, as soon as she started walking down they aisle the tears just poured. Tears of joy and excitement. I was so happy for her and Johnny. They make an absolutely amazing and wonderful couple. Knowing her background and her story and the beautiful things God has done in her through Johnny, the healing the their relationship has brought etc. made it even more beautiful. I'm so excited for her to break free from bondage and create a new life, with her new little family of two. I won't lie though, some of those tears were of sadness. It was the end of an era in some ways. We were just two single young women with many big dreams not that long ago.... and before that we were two little girls having tea parties, hour long phone conversations, and playing spy on our brothers while playing UNDER the house.... it just made me realize that we really ARE grown up! Oh MY WORD! How did that happen? I must also say though, that I would not have wanted to relinquish her to just anyone and the man that she was given too, he is a good one. Johnny, he brought me and Alicia flowers the first time he met me. He brought her Mom and Sisters flowers when he met them. He has embraced me as a friend and a part of Alicia's life. He loves God. He loves Alicia. He takes care of her, encourages her, is patient with her, loving, honest. I've learned a lot about how I can be loved by someone by watching Alicia. He came to say hello on their wedding day. Myself and another friend of Alicia stayed the night with her the night before so we were there. HE brought all of us bagels and a single yellow flower. He is just thoughtful like that.
Since then it has been a whirlwind. Sunday was filled with packing/cleaning/trying on bridesmaid dress for my little sisters wedding. Monday I woke up early, took my sister to work, my nephew for donuts, swung by my Moms work to drop him off, and headed off to California. I stopped in Oregon to visit the amazing Taly and sweet baby Micah, good friend of mine from college, and her wee babe. Then made the rest of the drive, arriving at my cousins house sometime after 11 p.m. I'm here in the hopes of obtaining a job, in which case I will end up living here (obviously). I'm not even 100% sure it's God will but I feel he is leading me in that direction. So far he has opened a few doors for me. Lots of emotions coming a long with just the idea of living here. It's a big step, one I think I need to take but fear just the same. Living away from the parents, and not having them to rely on so easily. Having people have expectations of me, and actually caring about what they think, not knowing really much of anyone. Probably my greatest fear though, is that if I do end up staying here, I won't change much. I really want to shake up my life, get into a new routine and new experience in the hopes it will bring me out of a sort of funk I've been in since just before my Dad went into remission. I hope and pray this will be of a big help. I fear it won't. I fear I will fall back into old patterns and habits. I guess, I just need to let God be God and quite fretting so much.... Tomorrow is my first interview. I think I will feel much better after it, just having a more clear idea as to if staying here is a possiblity. I can say having my cousins sweet daugther call me Aunty, help me with dishes, and play memory with me, as well as her other daughter reach for me and snuggle with me, has made the desire stronger. They are such precious girls!