This day has potential....I just can't see it yet.

It's a early and rough start for today. I got little sleep, maybe 4.5 hours. I don't function well on lack of sleep, never have. I have a residual headache from yesterday, and my back is really hurting, why, I don't know. Alex will be headed in for yet ANOTHER surgery today, this is 3 in less than that many weeks (poor dude!) And I have plenty of catch up homework to do. The new school week starts today as well so, I have to get started on the current readings. Big deep breaths Violet....

I seem awefully emotional as well. I read my cousins blog about her first doctors appointment for baby # 2, and another survey about the pregnancy and delifery of her first (baby girl). Usually I just can't wait until the season in my life that I can kids and I get really excited about the thought. Today, it brought tear to my eyes and a pain to my heart. I just want that so bad, a family of my own. I know Gods timing is PERFECT, and he will give me my hearts desire in his perfect timing. Sometimes though, it's just hard to accept that it is so many peoples time but mine. Marriages and pregnancies seem to be taking place daily in my life and I can't even see the potential for either in my life at the moment. As I began to weep for that dream though, I really did feel a spiritual wash of peace. Often I tell myself I have to "fix this in my life", or "accomplish that", then God will say I am ready to be a wife an mother. The truth is though, that is a lie from Satan. I need not be perfect to be blessed. God knows the timeline of my life, and he knows the plan for my husbands life, and each of my childrens life. My story of marriage, and conception is part of their stories as well. It affects when and where they will be born, which is also in Gods plan. I just need to wait patiently, ask ferverently, claim it with authority, and have FAITH. Deep breath Violet...

Ben went to the hospital with Mom. I think it helps him feel like he is helping out, doing something for ALex. He is such a good little brother. At only 8 years old, he is remarkable with Alex. He talks to him alot, includes him in his schemes to create secret laboratories, and when Alex wakes up extra early (Ben ALWAYS wakes up early), Ben crawls in his bed and they develop plans, and tell secrets etc. until someone comes to help Alex get out of bed. When Alex doesn't fall asleep right away, Ben reads to him until he does. And when Alex was in the hospital during his schools read-A-thon, Ben made it his personal mission to read to him no stop so he could WIN. Trish was telling me that even as a baby he loved Alex and really wanted to play with him All the time. Caleb never wants much to do with Alex. We think perhaps because Alex has kicked him a few times. Plus, when Ben was little, Alex and Ben were basically the same size. Alex is much bigger now, and his chair makes him appear even bigger. Even so, child psychologist will tell you if you have two kids under 3 years apart, it's like having two only children as they both has such high needs, and don't interact much with one another. Ben has been interested with Alex since he was born. He is remarkable, and we know GOd hand picked Benjamin Patrick to be the little but close in age brother to Alexander Louis. People always say how they feel so sorry for the Tooles, so bad for them. But they know, and I know, God has a PLAN and a PURPOSE for Alex. If Alex has blessed me alot by his joy for life, and effort to do what he can, and abvious love for Jesus (he REALLY wanted to be baptised last year, he heard the pastor talking about it in church and kept saying "yah", and so he was!), I have been blessed just as much by the relationship Ben and Alex have together. Ben is also great with Caleb too though. He wants to get him up from naps, comfort him when he is sick or tired, and help him get something to eat when he is hungry. These kids are all just amazing. Smile big and don't get chokced up Violet...

I think now, I am starting to see the potential for today. Caleb is feeling SO much better than the last two days. NO more fever, not crabby, and not flushed or feverish, even his nose seems less stuffy and chapped. I can see the sun beginning to come through my blinds, and I can hear the early morning birds begin to chirp. It's been a long time since I heard them, an it reminds me spring is pretty much here (even if it did snow a bit last night!). Caleb will take a nap in a few hours, and I will have the chance to get plent of school work done.

I was also blessed with some extra $$ for all the hours I've put in lately.

Reminds me of a song from my child hood:

The the sun shin it, face it with a grin, open up your heart and let the sun shine because smiler never lose and frowners never win, open up your hear and let the sun shine.

Any how, a certain babies blues clues video just finished, and I can hear my alternate name being called so the baby can get out of the confines of the high chiar. Vuh-Vuh is coming Caleb!