Little Power Fishies

If you knew these girls, you would know that the Title of my post is a play of their last name. These 4 sweet girl I have known since they were BORN! There big sister is my best friend. We are 15 days apart and our Moms were best friends since before we were born. Anyway..I digress... I remember when H. was born... she just turned 12. How did that happen? H. was baby number 6 for this family. WE thought they were done because their had been 3 years between her and the previous baby. The previous baby had been the 2nd boy and we were so sure "this is it". Well, not the family and not God. H. was an exciting addition. She was the baby sister I desperately wanted. Now, N. will be 10 this year. I was all geared up to go to my best friends birthday party when I go the call "My Mom had that baby, it's a girl!" As I joke I said "the party is still on right?", lol. Right behind her (almost 2 years to the day!) Miss A. was born. SHe was the first of the babies I got to see in the hospital. SHe had the biggest cheeks, and LONG eyelashes, and smelled SO good. It took them forever to name her, I mean after 7 kids they had used pretty much every name they could possible want to use. Eventually they picked one out of a baby name book shortly before they had to leave the hospital. And L. How could I forget little L. I so couldn't. I knew L. was on her way before her big sister did ( only b/c her big sister was out of the country when we found out). L. was SO TEENY TINY when she was born. She was a few week early and barely weight 5 pds. My friend didn't like to hold her in public because people thought she was hers, and she hated that as much as I LOVED it. I would hold L. when her parent were in the bathroom etc. and others would gush about what I beautiful baby I had. I'd say thank you and then tell them she wasn't mine but I still liked that they thought she was. L. was like a live baby doll for her sisters. We got to care for her a LOT. And now each of these itty bitty baby girls, that I dressed, changed, bathed, loved on... are age 6, 8, 10 and 12. HOw on earth did that happen?

Since they were babies I have been taking them to the local pool, where I work. They would call me and say "Wiyl you take us wimming Viyet?" In their sweet little girl voices. How could I EVER resist? A. was been swimming length of a 25 yard pool since she was 3, and L. would jump of a diving boars starting at 2! Recently we went to the pool again. L. has decided I'm her best friend and is attached at my hip. I love it because the other girls are at the point where I take them and then they go off on their own. L. plays with me and lets me still teach her, and she is a FISH in the water. She is such a sweet girl and I love watching who she is becoming. I'm so glad they are growing in to such amazing little girl and young women but, it also makes me slightly sad to see L. getting so big as she is definitely the last child. 6 years old...oh my word!

Silly, sweet, loving L. She spent an hour coloring a picture for my Dad and put it in his room. She was so worried about him because he wasn't coming out. I took her in to see him. She snuggles so with me and with anyone. I don't think her eldest sister would accept so many kisses from one person but she takes them willingly from L. I think L. will grow up to be the type of person who makes everyone feel special, loved, and worth her time, because she does it already at just barely 6 years old. 
N. is such a pretty girl who is quickly becoming young lady. She is a tomb boy in many ways but has the most amazing hair. It takes her "a moment" to catch on to jokes, and she says some of the most outrageous things, and this makes her N., whom I love. lol. A lover of animals, I can see her becoming some sort of a care taker, maybe as a career and maybe just as part of her natural tendencies in daily life. I pray she grow up to be incredibly secure in who she is and knows she has a lot to offer the world.
H. oh H., what do I say, a sassy little thing who loves to tease. Can she POSSIBLE be a Pre Teen already? She knows more than she lets on and is smart as a whip, very social and athletic, and she is funny, she has whit. She has a feminine flare though that she tried to hid...I see it though, lol. She is an amazing big sister, and I think her best friend she would say is her sister N.  A little mother (in SOME ways a bit bossy, but it is simply from corralling 3 younger sisters in the art of constructed play). She is a leader and I know she will go far.
A., often soft spoken, sweeter than creamy smooth organic chocolate ice cream, and best friend of her little sister L. She is the girly girl of the bunch. Creative she is, and loves it when I braid her hair, she always lets me do whatever I want with it. She is determined and  works hard at whatever she does, school, art, play...  she has a sweetness and goodness to her that I just can't explain, and has concern for others. 
Just another of L. because she is so darn cute, and I got the most pictures of her! Lol.

How much longer, Oh lord?

It had been almost a week since I went to visit with my Dad, and for the brief moments I was their today, it cannot be called a visit. I told my Dad I'd be their in an hour, and I was but, poor worn out guy he is, he fell asleep, sitting up, cup in hand... he was in a hard sleep when I got there. So, I left a few things for him, and left. 

The truth is, I did not want to be there. I hate places like that, nursing homes, hospitals, etc. Places that to me often smell of death. When he was home, I didn't compare his appearance to his roommates, or to that of the patients across the hall. When he was home, it wasn't so obvious that actually fits in with these elderly people who are in their 70's and 80's, even though he is only 53. At home no one told me how nice it was his grand daughter came to see him, especially since I am his daughter and his only grandchild isn't yet 2 years old. Yet, when he was home, I could not manage his pain, keep him hydrated, or even get enough calories in him to maintain his already horrifically low weight. 

Visiting him often gives me a headache. I get nauseated, and always exit the room, keeping my head down so that no one sees the pooling tears, holding them back just until I hit the cool outside air, where, inevitably the rain drops will hit my cheeks about the same time the tears spill over, mingling cold with hot... it's at times like this I don't mind the nearly constant drizzle our state holds for many months...times when the dreariness makes sense. It shouldn't be like this when I visit my Dad.  I hope he does not think my lack of visiting means I love him less... I keep trying to muster the strength to spent more than an hour with him. 

Today was especially hard as I already had a headache, and was exhausted from a late night. Even though he was sleeping when I arrived, his position made him look like a stroke victim, his mouth handing open, he did not have his partials in, so his mouth sunk around his gums where he does not have teeth, one eye was half open, he head lolled to the side, and he snored. I was glad he was sleeping so deeply as sleep does not come easy or often for him now but, seeing how he had fallen asleep with a cup on his hand and papers sprawled on his lap, I knew he fell asleep mid thought, preparing for my arrival so we could sort mail and pay bills. Sometimes I think I would be easier to handle these visits if I KNEW what the cancer was doing, if I knew if the treatment worked or not. The waiting for him to recover enough for reevaluation only makes it hard because right now... as far as I know... my Dad still has cancer, and it seems like he is their to die. I know it's not true, he is in fact there to allow him to recover, and more speedily but sometimes the heart does not consort with the mind enough to leave a person settled. 

Now, I don't have the strength to go home, where I'd once again be alone, in a house that has always been so full. I also don't have the energy to go to a friends house, even if the laughter would be good medicine. So, I sit at a starbucks, smelling the roasted coffee but not drinking because I'm still nauseated from my 5 minutes stay at Dads facility. I also have a headache... 

I can barely recall the fun I had last night, at a party with people I love. Oh, it was fun, and good for my spirit, I know...but sometimes reality comes back so fast, so starkly, and you realize that your life is so drastically different from others. 

Lord, be near... today is hard. I need you.

Some recent pictures...

Not everyday is consumed by caring for my Dad, actually, now I'm not really caring for him at all (more on that later but, basically he was admitted to a nursing home facility to gain back his strength and maintain hydration). My days have also been filled with babysitting for a new family with two lovely children, spending time with my nephew, having my new baby cousin up for  a visit, and more...

Miss Ava. She is such a sweet little girl!

Tyler and I made brownies this day. He is a hoot and can cop and attitude sometimes but is also loads of fun!

My Nephew LOVES computer and cell phones. Here I was letting him type in my pages program.

My Dad with my baby cousin Joshua. This was several weeks into treatment but still several weeks before finishing. He lost a lot more weight and seems to have aged much more since this picture.

Having fun with my clown of a nephew. He thinks everything is funny and is SO silly!

While my baby cousin was here I took him for his first swim, he LOVED it!

A few months ago my grandmother was very ill, had lost a ton of weight and we thought we would lose her but, she pulled through and is thriving. I love this picture of her looking adoringly at her grandson, whom she never thought she would meet. 

Cancer update...down to the wire

It's getting hard folks. Dad weighs in at 112 pds, not much more than a skeleton. I can't get him to take more than 1,000 calories a day. He was getting more than that but, a family member came in and decided to start mixing the water with the formula. She was trying to do a good thing and was worried about dehydration...but, they hydrate him at least weekly at treatment, they don't feed him. I need to push calories (Per Doctors order). And now...he like's having the formula watered down but, then he is too "full" to push more formula, so he is losing out on vital calories. Part of his adversion to formula is due to complication with is g-tube placement that caused him extreme pain for 3 weeks, and pain any time his stomach muscle began moving the contents through his body. Apparently he has "abnormal anatomy" which made the placement of the g-tube funky. But even then, the Doctors did not get how much pain he was being caused...until they replaced the one tube with a mickey button. By then he had such an adversion to any touching of the tube or putting anything in it, it was torture to get 1/4 the number of calories in him. Now he is doing better but his stomach has shrunk, his appetite is GONE, and the formula causes phlegm which he can't stand.


The pain is nearly unbearable. He is on a narcotic pain patch, and two narcotic pain medication he gets through g-tube. . Even what he is on BARELY touches the pain. His neck is completely raw. THe parts that aren't raw look VERY dark from the radiation.


The inside of his mouth and throat is raw, with sores all inside and down it. His tongue feels on fire. He has a ton of phlegm all the time, and regularly clears his through and spits large amounts out of his mouth...this is very painful. He has NO taste buds OR saliva glands so his mouth is VERY dry, he says it feels like cotton balls.


It got hard VERY fast.... he did REALLY well for the first 5 1/2 weeks and then it SUDDENLY got REALLY REALLY bad. We explain this by saying during the first few treatmemts symptoms/pain got a little worse....then, it suddenly got exponentially worse with each treatment...

HOWEVER...WE ARE DONE WITH TREATMENT! Yay! We finished last Wednesday (I actually wrote the first 1/2 of this post last week and forgot to post! OOPS! NOw we wait and see, wait and heal. THey can't evaluate the tumor or spots where it has spread yet due to the swelling and inflammation. It may look like the tumor has grown when really it hasn't, it's just that everything is so swollen it looks like it has grown. I found this odd because when my Uncle had this cancer they DID evaluate before treatment was even over, and told him it wasn't working, he was terminal. It all makes sense though and my Uncle was sick 8 years ago so perhaps they have just learned more since then.

We are doing a little better about the calories this week, it's still hard, especially if I am not home all day to bug him about it.

In other news, while my estranged sister did come over for Christmas and put on a show about wanting to "make things right", wanting to visit my Dad, cried, said she was sorry etc., and then never even bothered to call for MONTHS after....she called me today and asked me to do her hair for a party. It didn't work out but, she did invite me to a move this weekend. Both of my sister and I are going...that is a huge step for us. I so wish that having a relationship with them was easy. I wish our parents had cultivated family importance and good sibling relationships in us...

A friend came over and helped me do some deep cleaning which was SOOOOO appreciated! My Aunt has been a huge help in dealing with my Grandmothers affairs and squaring things away where that is concerned.


I admit I am scared. Very scared. It's SO hard to see him in so much pain. I cry nearly every time I leave his room. I HOPE this treatment will work but, I fear it may not, or if it does, the cancer will come out. Sometimes I have nightmares about him dying in his sleep because his body just couldn't take anymore. I am also dealing with anger directed at my Mom and Sister. My mom should BE HERE. She should be doing MORE. She should be both a wife and a mom. I know mentally and emotionally she is not capable of taking care of financial matters but I still have some frustration that she cant, and doesn't. My sister hasn't called 1 time since diagnosis, and she came over only once, and that was to see my Uncle who was visiting from out of state.


The worst part is my Dad is not saved. He has NO HOPE. He has lived a joy less life and he is afraid of dying. He has lived a life of misery, bitterness and anger. That makes me the saddest... I want him to have peace. I want him to believe and know that we will be taken care of by someone greater than him. I want him to not worry about finances, my schooling, us "losing everything".... He lives in constant stress, worry and anxiety, not a good combo for fighting cancer...



I love him all the same, and I savor every hug I get from him... I'm learning more about being PATIENT and just kind. I wish I could do more, especially to make him feel at ease about me handling things if something does happen to him.

Hi/Lo Thursday

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and for a chance to win $100.


Here is a new blog carnival I thought I would participate in. The carnival is put on by the Riggs family, whose daughter (from Guatemala) has Luekemia and is undergoing a very hard form of treatment. Please join me in prayer for sweet Abby.

For sure, my Low for this week was dropping out of college and then having to tell my Dad. I'd fallen seriously behind in classes since my Dad started treatment and it got to a desperate point. I knew I could never catch up. I really though my other family member, especially my Mom would step up and help me more with caring for my Dad but, no one has really. So, gladly I put Dad first. This put me behind and finally I called my academic advisor to withdraw from classes. Besides putting my pride aside the hard part was that we will still have to pay for these classes. My Dad is already so stressed out and full of anxiety with everything, including finances. He helps me so much with classes and I knew it would weigh on him having to pay for these classes now, and again later when I re-enroll. I hate having to do it.

The High for me was definately when God gave me a word for my Uncle out of a passage in Numbers. The story of Balak and Balam where Balak wants Balam to curse the Israelites but God only allows Balam to speak blessings. He showed me how we can pray for God to only allow and ex employer who would spread lies about my uncle to only be allowed to speak blessings and good things about my Uncle. It was so clear to me what God was asking us to do, and I could see how relieved my Uncle was when I shared that with him!

Dads cancer update.

The last few weeks have been emotionally draining. I never thought I'd be in this place again, the place where I watched a loved one battle a terminal illness.

When I was 15 my first boyfriend died of Cystic Fibrosis (actually, complication from a double lung transplant). Andrew was the first boy I loved romantically. I knew when we began dating he had a terminal illness but, at 13 and 14 years old, you can't really comprehend what that means. So, we dated and fell in a ridiculously young but pure and unique love. To this day I haven't really dated.

Now I find myself questioning if I will lose the very first man I loved at all, my father. We have ahd some very low lows in our relationship but all of those God has used to give me the strongest relationship with my father of all my siblings. God has given me insight to things my Dad has experienced and battled. I am closer to my father than any of my siblings, than my Mom, and really closer to him than he is to his siblings or his Mom. So, watching him battle cancer is hard.

My Dad is a fighter. He always has been. This man has been near death at least 4 times in his life and each time defied the odds. He has been treated unjustly and fought for what was right. It scares me he recently told someone he was tired of fighting. And really, emotionally he is not in a good place. It's hard for me to look at him sometimes, he is losing weight daily. They placed a feeding tube in that he had complications with and resulted in him not wanting to mess with it at all. Every time he eats, his stomach muscles pull at the tube which is uncomfortable, and since the surgery he has had almost no appetite. Wednesday I saw the Dr. with him. The Dr. said that if he lost any more weight they woudl put him on a continuous feed. He cannot lose any more weight (he is about 5'5 and dropped down to 130 pds), he weights less than I do, and you can see indentations where muscle use to be.

So far he has had 2 chemo treatments, and after today he will have had his 15th radiation treatment. He gets radiation 5 days a week. They told us that at about 3 weeks he would fee the side effects from radiation. True to their word, this 3rd week he is experiencing pain in his through, developing sores in his mouth, and having bleeding in his mouth. He has handled chemo VERY well with no side effects although they expect him to feel some in the coming weeks. He has 4 more full weeks of radiation left (so 20 more treatments) and 5 more chemo. treatments.

My family is in a whole new place with all of this. My Mom moved almost a year ago, before any of this started. She is coming around and taking him to some appointments (they aren't divorced) but other than that, she isn't doing much. She is bipolar and has some mental delays that make for a very interesting dynamic. My 19 year old brother recently moved out for various reasons, my personal opinion is he just doesn't know how to handle all of what's going on. My little sister continues to be distant. She came over on Christmas, cried, hugged my Dad, told him she loved him and wanted to spend time with him but, since then hasn't so much as called to see how he is doing. That leaves me and my Dad here at home together. It's a very odd place, nothing like the home I grew up in. At times I'm angry with the other family members and other times I fear that if the worst happens, they will have some serious regrets. Our family has always been very unhealthy and disfunctional but for some reason, I thought something like cancer would bring us all back together. Selfishness, Bitterness, and anger reigns in their lives. No that I am perfect but God has certainly given me healing and love that allows me to in return love and forgive others.

Please pray that my Dad keeps a will to fight, he would be able to eat and/or be willing to do the tube feedings as required. Pray for strength for me and focus as I try to get caught up in school. And pray for my family. Pray that they will put away past mistakes and just come together. Pray God would speak to all of them through this time. And of course, pray for Dad's healing. Meeting others with similar cancers has proved to show how serious this is. We met someone with stage 2 cancer that is having serious complications after 5 weeks of treatment. My Dad is stage 4, and his treatment is more aggressive.

In praises: I found a home church which has been filling a need I have had for a long time.

fff # 30 MELT

How funny this weeks theme is "MELT" I didn't even know that and a few days ago I posted pics of my nephew saying he "melts my heart". Anyway, check out THIS post to see those pictures. Also, pictures of a certain little man have melted my heart over the last few months. This evening (friday) I get to pick him and his Mama/Dada up from the airport where I am sure holding him, smelling him, hearing him, meeting him will melt my heart even more! He is my new baby cousin Joshua who I haven't had a chance to meet yet! I can't wait!! I'm sure next week for the "Love" theme I will have plenty of new pics showing the new man love in my life, meaning little man Joshua! ( I have no grown man love, I'm single, lol.)