Loving on Sweet baby J.J.

My Mom's co-worker is just a few years older than me, and has 4 of the sweetest children. She just had a baby boy a few weeks ago, making her Mommy to 2 sweet boys and 2 precious girls. The baby, I have nicknamed J.J. is just so precious, and is keeping me from baby withdrawal. Here are pictures of cute little J.J. I think he is a very pretty baby!

Texas Round 1

Selena Memorial

A dolphin at Sea World, very close to me, I could almost touch it!

Kiesha and I at The Alamo

The Alamo

Mt. Rainier on my outgoing flight.

A few months ago I decided I needed to get away once things with my Dad panned out. I knew that no matter which way they went, I'd need to get away from EVERYTHING. The Lord knew that too. My sweet friends Kiesha and David, and the Sippel family both live in Texas, and when I expressed my desire to visit both of them, and get a reprieve from my life, they welcomed me with open arms. So, off to Corpus Christi I flew for the first leg of my Texas adventure. 5 days with the Yokers was pure bliss but, not long enough. They spoiled me and took me to all sorts of fun things, First the Sugarland concert, my first ever concernt, San Antonio, touring the Alamo, saw the river walk, went to Sea World, the SELENA memorial, not to mention dinner with some of their amazing friends. Most importantly I got to get to know my sweet friend Kiesha's husband, and spend good quality time with Kiesha.

The Fear manifests in a dream

I had a nightmare last night. I have no idea what brought it on. None of my dreams make complete sense but, often, they have very vivid points.

This dream started out on my wedding day. I was frantically trying to get things done, pick things up, put together all the last minute thing ( I have NO idea who I was marrying!). Nothing was going right and I was on the verge of Panic. The last problem was that I couldn't get my veil. As I was yelling at someone, angry and in despair that my wedding was going to be a total disaster, panicking about time etc., I got a phone call. Nothing could have prepared me for that call. My Mom said my brother was dead. I didn't believe her. I though it was some sort of SICK wedding day joke. I felt nauseated that she'd do something like this. I said it wasn't funny. She said she was serious. Warren had taken a corner to fast on his street bike, and went of the road, down a cliff. I started saying "no no no no".. screaming it, saying it wasn't true and couldn't be true. I started saying maybe it wasn't his bike, maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was a friend riding his bike. My Mom said "No baby, it was him. I went to the crash sight, I held his body. He was almost unrecognizable but, I'd know my son anywhere. Oh Sweetie, I wish it wasn't true but, Warren is gone".

How I wish the dream ended there. It went on, and I experienced every emotion and reaction I could imagine experiencing if I'd truly lost my on brother, my baby brother. I was nauseated, scared, lost, confused, dizzy... and so on. I denied it. I wanted to see the bike, see his body, but mostly, I wanted to see him...ONE...LAST...TIME. My silly, obnoxious, loving, teasing, bratty, busy, hardworking, baby brother couldn't be gone. He just couldn't be. Obviously, my wedding was off.

Suddenly, my little sister and I were going to school. It was our first day back after my brothers accident. It was too soon. I don't know why we went. Everyone bombarded us with questions. I was nauseated again. Where was my brother? He was suppose to be there, at school, with us. What these kids were asking, saying couldn't be true. He was at home sick. He was on an extended vacation, off with some friends. He slept in late. He wasn't dead. Why were the teachers asking me how I was doing? I was fine, of course, it was just another day at school. No it wasn't. It was a day at school without my brother in my life. My only brother. Oh God, I don't have a brother anymore. The day couldn't get worse. And then, it did. A gunman shoots the ceiling (I know why this happened, a mirror fell of the wall of the room I was sleeping in and I incorporated the sound into my dream) and then he begins chasing us around the school, herding students this way and that way, hundreds of students pouring into halls. Somehow the gunman is stopped and we are all safe. I'm worried for my sister. Where is she. We need to leave, this is insane. She isn't safe here. I can't lose her too. I find her, we run to the office, demand to be let out (the school is still locked down). They say we need parent permission. I scream we do not. I'm falling apart, sobbing hysterically. So is my sister. I'm holding her. My friend from school (a real life friend I met at college) is there, she comes up and gives me a hug. She doesn't say a word. She has one brother, her baby brother. I know she can empathize with me. She is the only one not to say a word, not to say "she's sorry"... just hug me. I calm down, take my sister to a way I know out of the school. We start walking home as I try to call my Dad on his cell phone to come get us. We take a weird path, there is garbage on the trail, below the street. I see two things I once took out of my car and put on the side of the road, to come back for later, and had forgotten about. I make a mental not to come back for it this time, not to forte. But, I doubt I will remember. I lift my sister up onto the road. Then I pull her back down. AFraid it's not safe. I hold her and sob into her hair....

and then I wake up.
I've lost people I love. All the emotions were the same, only intensified. I though I was going to lose my Dad. But, my brother. He thinks he is invincible. I think he is too. I know he's not but, he's so young, strong, healthy. I wouldn't lose him. But I could. Tomorrow he could be gone. It happened to a friend of mine. Her little brother drowned. HE knew how to swim. I don't know if I could handle this. Losing my brother, losing a sibling. I hope I don't have to find out, at least not for a LONG LONG LONG time.

Have I ever told you.....

That I have the SWEETEST puppy in the world!?

Sweet Marie

My heart is heavy for sweet Marie's family. So many times the past few days I have been brought to my knees for them. 

Thursday they welcomed their beautiful Sarah into their family. Friday they said goodbye to their daughter sweet Marie, who had Leigh's disease. 

Please keep Mom, Dad, big sister Josie, and new baby Sarah in your prayers. We know Marie dances with Jesus, and sings with angels but, the pain of missing her can be overwhelming. 

Please visit: http://josieandme.blogspot.com to leave them some encouragement and love!

Sunshine

These days, they just aren't easy. I am filled with ups and downs all the time. I don't know what it is, except I strongly feel it is a spiritual attack. I'm working towards making changes in my life, and every day I feel excited about it, every day I have time to really spend taking action towards those changes, I feel gloomy, unmotivated, alone, overwhelmed, tired, and my body just physically feels like lead. I hate it. I try to reach for God, but it isn't always my first course of action, and sometimes I just don't even know how to approach Him when I feel like this. I just seems easier to curl up in bed, and sleep. I know Satan wants it to stay like this. I know he doesn't want me to have joy, or physical healthy, or spiritual wisdom, or personal strength, and so he zaps my will to take action. Thankfully, I've come to realize what these days are, days the enemy wants to steal from me. I'm arming myself for this battle.

Through all of it though, God has give me a little ray of sunshine, a shining star who helps pull me up during the worst days when I can't seem to pull myself out of it. Looking into my nephew and seeing his smile, it's like getting a smile from God. He is sunshine on the rainy days..

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I'm a bad blogger but I've a mighty God.

Ugh. I didn't think I'd let myself go well over a month without blogging.

Anyway. I have a button to the left of my blog, for baby Stellan. He has a serious heart condition that has put him in the hospital (again) and he is fighting just to stay out of heart failure and to stay alive. If you haven't been there, please check out the blog but, most importantly, pray for baby Stellan, for his family, and pray the doctors have wisdom int he best way to treat this sweet baby!

Now, where have I been? Gee, you live in survival mode for months at a time when something like cancer hits your life, then crisis ends, and suddenly you crash and burn. That is what I did! More than that though,when my Dad got the remission words, I was in total shock and disbelief. I waited for the other shoe to drop. ANd, believe it or not, I got ANGRY with God.

When I was 15, and I experienced the first loss of someone important to me, I clung to Jesus for all it was worth, and he brought me through that grief. Just the other day I drew out the journal that brought me through the first few months of that loss, and I am astounded at who I am today compared to who I was then.

What I did not realize was the attitude I came out of that experience with, one that is NOT from God: I can deal with death. Death is a "final" out come. It doesn't reverse itself. Yah. Ok, so let me explain. We my Dad was diagnosed, I was CONVINCED he was going to die. I told myself the Andrew dying when I was nearly 15 was God's way of preparing me for this loss, as a young adult. I thought that the fact my Uncle had THE SAME cancer , in the SAME location 7 years ago, and died from it, was Gods way of preparing me that my Dad would die. Not to mention, the odds we were given were just NOT good. When taking my Dad to treatments, I met many people who had much less severe cancers (by that I mean an earlier stage, or a higher survival rate), or who had a much less aggressive treatment plan, being on the verge of dying. THey were very ill. In my mind, all this was to prepare me for my Dads death.

Then... we were told he was in remission. And I got angry. I don't know what remission will mean for our future. I wonder if it means God will work on both my parents hearts, and some day my Mom will move back IN the home. I wonder if it means GOds giving my Dad yet another reason to not just speculate Christ but trully embrace him, and abandon his heart and life to Him. Maybe God is giving me an opportunity to get more established financiallys so that when my Dad IS gone, I will be able to care for myself, and my Mom.

The biggest reason for my anger, and my fear... is "Dear Lord, now the future is UNKOWN!". The was my heart cry. Because once you "have cancer" you kind of always have it, yoru just either active or inactive. Your in remission or your in relapse. And...WILL my dad relapse? What if he does? When will he? Will get through it a 2nd time? Will he even TRY? Will he be saved by then? Will he get to hold my children? Will he be at my wedding? Will he... what if... then what?....

And my fear, may anger caused me not to seek out my God. I suprised at how quickly not communing with him on a regular basis made me ashamed of who I was behind closed doors, and even in the wide open. I am ashamed of things I have done and said and even things I did not do, to my Dad, to my Aunt, to myself, to others. I shut down in a way I've never done before. In the past I've hit "rough patches" or "dry times" but... it usually included ONE or two of: Not praying, not reading the word, not going to church.... it has never been me omitting all 3 from my life.

An argument with 2 family members, one I realize was all our fault but that God place the "key" to making it a peaceful solution, that I chose not to use the key in, came to a head, and it was NOT good. Not only that but the lack of God in my life made me in capable of seeing my Dad the way Christ does, a very wounded, scared man who has never known the love of a father. I've always prided myself on my ability to maintain relationship with each of my family member no matter what they have done to me and inspite of extreme multi faceted dysfunction the penetrates generations. I quickly learned this was NO skill of mine but God's Grace and Mercy for them working in me. I learned that when his Grace and Mercy were not there because I did not seek them for myself, I could not give them. In short order my relationship with my Dad was nearly destroyed. And it would have been my fault. Not because he didn't do things the were unspeakably hurtful, or because I did anything unforgivable but, because I did not allow God to be the leader of my relationship with him. Maybe in some way, since he wasn't going to die now, I wanted to close myself off from him emotionally so that when he does die, when the cancer does come back (that was my attitude) I wouldn't have to start the grieving process all over again. Ouch.

Anyway, at the end of possibly the most painful nights I've ever had, a night I had a decision to make (and I think I made the right one), I realized how far I had fallen, and how desperately I both needed and wanted my Jesus in my life. I went to my room , cried... no sobbed, for a long time and how close I came to making a decision that would have completely destroyed my relationship my Dad forever, and closed his heart to the ONE person he will listen to Christ's words through. Yikes!

In my room, I cried out to God, and asked he forgive me. Of course he Did, and he allowed me to just sit in his embrace as I cried, and prayed, and finally, even opened his Word. Oh how sweet that surrender was. I felt lighter than I had in months. Since then I've been a basket case as I see Him renewed in everything in my life, from my job, to the creativety of imagination in the current novel I am reading, to my words to him, and his still small voice to me, and especially in HIS words to me through the bible. His beauty, love, forgivness, and acceptance of me for where I am AT is overwhelming and draw me to tears, like it's new. FOr that, I am so thankful. For all of this I am at peace.

Now, so many things deteriorated during this time, including my ability to focus on school work. So, now, it's crunch time to catch up and STILL manage to pass.