Love me some baby girl

Meet Samantha Riley. Isn't she just precious! My Dads friend and his wife just welcomed this precious girl a month early AND she STILL weighed 7pds! She is so sweet and perfect! They surprised us when they showed up un-announced with they new bundle. I was so tickled. It has been a 7 months since I got to hold a new born, too long in my opinion!




And just because my nephew is CUTER than life, and he started making this silly cheesy face when you take a picture:

Bunnies!!!

My 21 months old nephew LOVES animals. We went to the pet store and he just couldn't get enough of the hamsters, guinea pigs, etc. I love animals too, and thought it would be fun to have a bunny. So my mom and I went and got 2 baby bunnies (not from a pet store). They are VERY tame and sweet. Zackery loves them, and I am enjoying them as well!

September _ 1985 to May 5, 2001

It's been 8 years. Eight. How has so much time passed? Has it really been that long? It feels like yesterday. It feels like it's been closer to 10 or 15 years. 

I still think about you a lot. Recently my friend had her first kiss, and I remembered our first kiss. It wasn't my first kiss with a boy but, it was my first kiss with a boy I loved. It was innocent, fast, a peck of sorts, at the theatre, with my little sister and your little brother. That kiss isn't the one I usually remember though. The one I remember the most, is the one in your hospital room. I was incredibly embarrassed when you said in front of your parents " gimme some sugga", and your Dad turned around instead of leaving the. I blushed immensely. I wonder what you think of the fact that I don't plan on kissing another until he is my husband.

I don't remember what you smelled like but I remember the way your skin felt. I remember what if felt like when you held my hand but I don't remember what I felt when I first met you. 

I am so different from the girl you knew. I wonder what you would think of the woman I've become, and am becoming. I wonder what kind of a Man you would have been if you were allowed to grow up on earth. I wonder what would have become of us. 

 You know, I haven't really even had another boyfriend since the year you died. It was just 2 years ago that I felt like I'd even consider dating if someone showed interest. My choice not to date,  it's not about you anymore, I don't want to date right now because I am not ready to be married, and if I'm not ready to be married, what is the point in dating?

Do you know I stayed very close to your family? Do you know I dropped the "O" when calling your Dad Papa O. I just call him Papa. Sharon, well you never considered her a "step Mom" did you? I know you didn't. Just like you, I eventually asked if I could call her Mama, and now I do. . Jordan is so tall, you would be proud of your big younger brother. He has had some serious bumps in the road, and is still figuring things out. I know he misses you a lot. I pray for him all the time. I love him... like a little brother. I know you chuckle when you look down and see Ethan. That baby who was only  2 1/2, whom you wanted to talk so bad. You should hear him now! The kid talks a bunch. He slimmed out too. He is such a tall skinny thing, nothing like that husky toddler. You told us not to let him forget you, and he hasn't. He knows all about you, Mama, Papa, and myself have made sure of that. He looks like you, and he draws like you. 

You know, I say I loved you, and I did. I can't say thought that your "the first boy I loved". I think what we had was unique, special, God ordained. I think we were made for each other "for such a time as this". But I know it was nothing like the love between a grown man and woman who become husband and wife. We were so young, and we always knew their was your illness. I was a bit in denial, and somewhat misinformed about the severity of your illness. I didn't know you had a severe case, and no one expected you to make it to 18. I read that some people with C.F. lived to be 30 and 40... I thought you could too. My biggest fear was that you would die when you were 15, just like a boy in a novel I read did. My biggest fear came to pass. 

I didn't get to see you the last week of your life. I think it was for the best but, I still wish I'd had the chance to see you. I wish I had that option. I wish my phone calls would have been answered or returned. The day after, when I went to your house, Mama asked if I was mad at them. I told her "NO". In that moment I wasn't mad however, later on I did get mad. Funny, I mostly got mad at Dyeda. He answered my call one time during that week and I don't remember what exactly he said, I just remember him saying that Mama and Papa weren't allowing anyone but family to come visit. It made me feel like I wasn't family, and up until then I'd felt like I was family. I've never told them that before (however, Mama may read this and then she will know).

Every years gets easier. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, or a parent, or a sibling. I've been told that the pain never goes away. Maybe that is true. You though, you were my best friend, and my first love. I know what it's like to lose my best friend. The pain doesn't go away complete however, it does go away, and it does lessen. I don't cry on May 5th anymore. I can listend to The Beach Boys "wouldn't it be nice" and smile. I love the tattoo on my foot you inspired that says "Come As A Child... Mt 18:3".  I remember you with warmth in my heart and without sadness. Your death doesn't make me sad anymore, it truly bring me joy that you are breathing easy and in the presence of Christ. I'm so grateful I knew you. I'm so grateful God chose ME to be a part of that year in your life. I'm so honored he chose me to be the "adopted" daughter into your family. I'm so blessed by having known and loved you, and by having been loved by you. 

It's funny, I knew you less than 2 years, and you have been gone for 8, yet, those 2 years left more of an impression on me than almost anything else that has happened since. I quit being a little girl by getting to know you, by loving you. I was in that limbo, not yet a woman, but not still a little girl. I didn't become  woman when you died but, I left childhood behind. 

I miss you Andrew. I miss hearing you say my name. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss feeling you use the thumb on your right hand to trace my face. I miss your jokes. I  miss you making me feel pretty, because you were the only boy that ever made me feel pretty. 

Papa made a comment on facebook (boy would you have had fun with the facebook/myspace craze!) about the people who have gone on to name a child after you.... I will be honored when I can join those ranks. I always like the name Andrew, even before you were in my life. I know that I will some day have a little boy with the name Andrew, and I can't wait. I can't wait to tell him about you either. 

I don't know why but, I feel God the most when I am at the beach. Some friends of mine live across the street from a park that goes down to the beach (Puget Sound). Half of it is an off leash dog beach. This weekend I got to babysit for their two sweet boys. Unless the weather is horrible, I always make sure we walk down to the water when I watch them. I know they sometimes they take for granted that they are SO close (they have admitted as much) but, I do not. For some reason WHENEVER I go to the beach I just FEEL God, I see Him, hear Him. I know God is everywhere. I know that he is always with me but nature is just one way I am easily reminded of His presence, and the beach especially makes me feel close to him. Maybe it has something to do with my love for water, maybe because I grew up hearing Lorretta Lynn singing "footprints in the sand" on my Moms car tape player, I'm not sure. Even amidst playing with two young boys and keeping my on two crazy spaniels, I could feel a peace as I walked barefoot in the sand. Of course every time I looked up I got to see a setting sun that looked like this:

and how could I not know and believe that there is something bigger than me out their? 

Loving on some girls

Recently, I took a whirlwind trip to California. I was gone but 5 days however, I managed to have a good time visiting family. Here are some pictures of my time with my cousin Quin, and her girls Jaelynn and Ashlynn:


This was the closest we could get to a decent shot of all 3 of us :)
Jae-Bird was in need of some new sandals. Since they had a buy one get one 1/2 off sale, I help my cousin get the girls matching sandals.
Ashy-Bug was a bit fussy this night. Even though it was really hot, she just wanted to snuggle.
Jaelynn is growing up so fast, I can't believe she will start Kindergarten in the fall!
Ashy-BUg is as sweet as molasses! She is huge compared to the last time a saw her (she was only 5 pounds then!!!)
Sweet Jaelynn. I loved playing with her hair, it has grown a LOT In 6 months!!!
Ashlynn is learning to sit up :)
Princess Peach and me.

Princess Plum and Aunty VIolet (me)
And of course, me with my sweet cousin Quin.

I want her to understand

Sometimes I want to scream and cry at the same time. I'm so angry I shake... but soon the anger dissolves into tears. 

My Mom moved out of my parents house a year ago. She planned on living in her van. I'm sure if it has stayed that way, she'd have moved home before too long. However, her parents (my grandparents) did not want her living in her van so they bought her a mobile trailer to live in. She kept it in a friends back yard... until she was no longer welcome there. Now, my Dad is in a nursing home and she has moved the trailer into our back yard. It makes me angry every time I see it. I know the situation isn't all her fault, and I know it wasn't healthy BUT, she claims to be a Christian (my Dad never has). If she is a Christian, she would stick to her vows.... better or WORSE. Sometimes I blame her for tearing our family apart. 

When my sister got pregnant, it became all about my sister and the baby. Before that, my Mom was really upset with my sisters behavior and things between my Mom and Dad were going good. Once a baby was part of the equation, suddenly it was ok for my sister to say unspeakably disrespectful things to my Dad, and my Mom stood behind my sister. 

Now, my nephew is almost 2 years old, and he is the only child I have ever known to not have a good relationship with me. Sure, kids I nanny/babysitt fuss when their parents leave, and prefer Mom/Dad over me (as it should be) but they also have a bond with me. I'm good with kids and I always have been.  But my nephew, every time he even fusses a little my Mom picks him up, rocks him and tells him "it's ok, Grandma's here". I KNOW that if she would leave for 5 minutes, he'd calm down and I could spend some time with him. Once I proved it to her. I picked him up and he started fussing. She went to take him for me, and I said "let me take him outside, if he won't stop crying in 1 minute I will bring him back". Sure enough, it took LESS than a minute and he calmed down.  It's been awhile since I spent time with him. I love this little boy SO much. I want to take him to the zoo, the park, the swimming pool. Today my Mom wanted to do some things without him (she watches him while my sister works). She asked if I could watch him if she got him to sleep. I asked why she only ever asked if I could watch him while he sleep? Why can't I watch him while he is awake? Because.... he cries when she leaves. That is NORMAL... babies get separation anxiety, you have to TEACH them it's ok to be with certain other adults. I asked her to let me take him for a walk and she said ok. Once I put him in the stroller he started screaming and crying. I told my Mom to let me walk down the road, just out of sight, I'd take hime out and calm him down, and we would finish our walk. She wouldn't let me. She took him out, started rocking him and telling him it was ok, grandma had him. 

It feels like she is telling him I am NOT ok, I am NOT  a safe person. It IS telling him that if he throws a tantrum, she will give him what he wants. I got upset and was trying to tell her this. Whenever we have this argument, she tells me she knows him better, and she knows kids, she raised four of her own. This makes me mad because she did raise 4 kids, 4 dysfunction kids. Even I have some big issues (and with Christ I'm working on them). How can she pride herself on the fact that I am choosing abstinence until marriage, and say it's because of the way she raised me, when NONE of the other 3 kids chose that for themselves? It wasn't her upbringing, she only brought me to church a handful of times and she NEVER told me to save myself to marriage. I CHOSE to go to church with my grandmother, I CHOSE to give my life to God, and I am CHOOSING to live in obedience, believing his way to be the BEST path for my life, and that includes saving sex for marriage.  Raising 4 children does not make you an expert. I'm not an expert BUT, I have dealt with 100's of children. I've walked many toddlers through this stage. If my Mom would give me 5 minutes, with her out of sight, I could calm him down.

What makes it more like a slap in the face is when she does this, or something else to upset me, and I am trying to explain to her how it makes me feel she says "I don't want to do this in front of him, I don't want to yell in front of him"....and I am not yelling. I have a tone that shows I am upset, hurt, angry... but I am not yelling. Today, when she pulled that I did yell. I said "this is not yelling ... THIS IS YELLING.... I was not yelling before and I'm not now!" ..... Not only is it irritating but, she never had a problem yelling when we were little. She yelled, screamed, cussed, etc. Growing up, I remember the tyrrantial fights she had with my Dad, I remember taking my little brother and sister outside at 10pm to ride our Big wheels so they didn't heart he yelling, cussing, and throwing of dishes. I remember cuddling next to my sister in our bunk beds and singing to her so she wouldn't hear. I can see my moms livid face when she back us into a corner screaming at the top of her longs in our face because someone spilled sugar on the table. 

I hate having to explain to my friends that she hasn't divorced my Dad, nor is she with him. I hate telling them "My Mom lives in a trailer.... in our back yard". I hate having to remind myself and them that she not only is bipolar but also has mild mental retardation. 

ANd above all I hate hate hate that I loves my temper and sometimes do yell.  I hate that she makes me feel like my nephew is more important than us kids ever were. I hate that she won't talk to me about the problems in our relationship even in a calm manner when my nephew isn't around, she changes the subject, calls me a liar, or says she doesn't want to talk about it. 

It drives me crazy that I have 5 or 6 families who greatly trust me with their children, who let me take them on little excursions, stay over night with them, etc. but my own nephew doesn't want me to even hold him. 

For months now I've pushed so much down, dealing only with my Dads cancer. Knowing he is recovering and the tumor is gone, it's like I've let down walls and am feeling so much more about everything else, and now that my Mom placed her trailer in our back yard, the problems are constantly in my face. She has my nephew 50 hrs a week, and over half that time he is IN MY BACKYARD but, I can't go play with him. If my Mom is there, he will fuss for her. When I go for a walk, I can't take him with me because my Mom won't even let me just TRY to calm him down once we are out of her sight. What hurst more, she leaves him with HER Mom, his great grandma, who can barely even pick him up. She leaves him there for HOURS without even telling my sister she is going too leave him there (and my sister has asked her NOT to leave him there). She has left him with her Mom and let him cry the first few times so that he would realize it's ok. But she won't to do that with me. 

And it hurts... it all hurts. 

Praise him from whom all blessing flow!

My aunt Wendy and my Dad.

I'm sitting here, with hair still dripping, itchy skin, and jello-ish muscles because I just got home after life guarding, teaching swimming lessons, and then swimming 2,000 yards and I SOOO need a shower BUT, I just HAD to do a quick post:

Dad had a cat scan yesterday and today they read the results: as of right now they say the tumor is GONE! Not only is it GONE, their is a hole where the tumor WAS. They plan to do a PET scan in 6 weeks to be EXTRA sure, and I'm thinking they will want to biopsy the lymph nodes where it had previously spread but, they are giving us a tentative diagnosis of REMISSION!

I feel like life can begin again. I'm elated. Monday was exactly 8 years since my Uncle Died of this cancer, it was bitter sweet telling my cousins today that my Dad is beating this same cancer, and I sometimes wonder "why my Dad and not their's". But I'm grateful because my Dad needs to find peace with the Lord.

Heavenly father THANK you for this. Thank you for carrying my Dad through, for giving me strength to help him through, and for carrying me when I felt like I couldn't walk. I know your answer to our prayers isn't always "yes" but for TODAY, we rejoice that it is "yes" to our prayers that you would heal my earthly father. Please Lord, allow me to continue to be the "light on a hill" in my Dads life, help me to shine Jesus for him, and help him to seek you in his 2nd (or if you know my Dad, 3rd and 4th) chance at this life."