Feeling Greatful

Sweet Andrew: Sept. 20th 1985- May 5th, 2001
My Sometimes sweet, usually obnoxious, somewhat protective, drama hating, Nephew adoring Brother Warren: June 2nd, 1989 - Present

My first roommate in college and I have much in common. We both had brown hair, brown eyes, we were messy (although I turned clean freak for just the year I lived with her, lol.), we are Daddy's girls, and LOVE LOVE LOVE animals, especially our dogs! We also had brothers of the same age. We talked often about them and compared our experiences with them. A major difference between us was that I also had two sisters. She only had her brother.
As we got to know one another I remember a certain conversation we had quite vividly. I told the story of Andrew (my first boyfriend/best friend who died of severe cystic fibrosis when we were 15), to several girls on my floor. My roommate and I talked late into the night as she asked me questions about that time in my life and what it was like. I shared with her a song/poem I wrote on one of my hardest nights. I was sobbing into my pillow and picked up my bible. I flipped to Psalms 56:8 " You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book". At that point God made it very clear to me that he knew each and every tear that fell from my eye and they were precious enough to him that he collected them. He knew my pain. He was comforting me, and crying with me. He knew the pain I felt. And that is precisely the reason He sent Jesus. He felt this pain each time a sinner was born, for we were seperated eternally from him. So he made a way for reconciliation. He made a way for us to return to him. As my roommate said asked how I lived through that and claimed she couldn't handle such a loss, I told her "Yes, you could. God would bring you through it". We also talked of the hope we have in Christ of reunion with our loved ones.
Four years later, just months after my roommate graduated and moved back to be with her parents her brother drowned. Sadly, due to a technology error I did not learn of this until months later. I wish I had known and had been their to comfort her in a way she so desperatly needed. And yet, I feel like the time I didn't know God used to bring us both to a place where we could recieve one another. A place where it was not painful to say her brothers name, or for her to hear my experiences and how I coped. A place where I understood it was NOT that same. This was her only sibling, the one person who had lived life with her the longest and had understood where she came from. It was different.
A year after her brothers death my roommate and good friend moved back to my state. She now lives with 3 other girl friends of ours from our floor. I went to visit each of them and most of the time was spent giggling, remembering happy times on the floor, and making fond new memories.
Of course it had been a long, long time since I had seen any of them and each girl had their own "catch up questions" for me. Among them from the other two girls were "How old is your brother now", "where is he working", "How is he doing", "does he have a girlfriend". Each time a question was asked I could see the flinch in my old roommates face. I could almost hear her thoughts "My brother would have been 19 this year", "I wonder what kind of a job my brother would have, would he have joined the army life he said he wanted to?", " I wonder if my brother would have a girl friend". Each question was painful for me to answer because I knew it would be painful for her to hear. That part of "moving on" is always hard. 7 years after losing Andrew, my heart still wonders into "I wonder what Andrew would have been like..." when I hear about another 15 year old who is about to celebrate his 16th birthday, or get his drivesr licensce. It's part of the process to learn to hear answers to such questions and not flinch.

But as I answered each questiong I felt a renewed greatfulness for my Baby Brother's presence in my life. It's funny the timing of these things. I was getting incredibly annoyed with my brother. He doesn't clean up after himself, he cranks up movies way to loud, he is disrespectful.....
But, he is here. These things are all signs of his presence. I get one more day to see the man he is becoming. And I feel incredibly blessed to say he is 19, he works at the casino, he has a sweet girlfriend, he graduate high school. I cannot even imagine losing any of my siblings. I especially can't imagine not having another to share that loss with. Today I feel incredibly blessed to say that all 3 of my siblings are alive and healthy, not to forget my parents, nephew, aunts/uncles, cousins, and so on.