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My Mom moved out of my parents house a year ago. She planned on living in her van. I'm sure if it has stayed that way, she'd have moved home before too long. However, her parents (my grandparents) did not want her living in her van so they bought her a mobile trailer to live in. She kept it in a friends back yard... until she was no longer welcome there. Now, my Dad is in a nursing home and she has moved the trailer into our back yard. It makes me angry every time I see it. I know the situation isn't all her fault, and I know it wasn't healthy BUT, she claims to be a Christian (my Dad never has). If she is a Christian, she would stick to her vows.... better or WORSE. Sometimes I blame her for tearing our family apart.
When my sister got pregnant, it became all about my sister and the baby. Before that, my Mom was really upset with my sisters behavior and things between my Mom and Dad were going good. Once a baby was part of the equation, suddenly it was ok for my sister to say unspeakably disrespectful things to my Dad, and my Mom stood behind my sister.
Now, my nephew is almost 2 years old, and he is the only child I have ever known to not have a good relationship with me. Sure, kids I nanny/babysitt fuss when their parents leave, and prefer Mom/Dad over me (as it should be) but they also have a bond with me. I'm good with kids and I always have been. But my nephew, every time he even fusses a little my Mom picks him up, rocks him and tells him "it's ok, Grandma's here". I KNOW that if she would leave for 5 minutes, he'd calm down and I could spend some time with him. Once I proved it to her. I picked him up and he started fussing. She went to take him for me, and I said "let me take him outside, if he won't stop crying in 1 minute I will bring him back". Sure enough, it took LESS than a minute and he calmed down. It's been awhile since I spent time with him. I love this little boy SO much. I want to take him to the zoo, the park, the swimming pool. Today my Mom wanted to do some things without him (she watches him while my sister works). She asked if I could watch him if she got him to sleep. I asked why she only ever asked if I could watch him while he sleep? Why can't I watch him while he is awake? Because.... he cries when she leaves. That is NORMAL... babies get separation anxiety, you have to TEACH them it's ok to be with certain other adults. I asked her to let me take him for a walk and she said ok. Once I put him in the stroller he started screaming and crying. I told my Mom to let me walk down the road, just out of sight, I'd take hime out and calm him down, and we would finish our walk. She wouldn't let me. She took him out, started rocking him and telling him it was ok, grandma had him.
It feels like she is telling him I am NOT ok, I am NOT a safe person. It IS telling him that if he throws a tantrum, she will give him what he wants. I got upset and was trying to tell her this. Whenever we have this argument, she tells me she knows him better, and she knows kids, she raised four of her own. This makes me mad because she did raise 4 kids, 4 dysfunction kids. Even I have some big issues (and with Christ I'm working on them). How can she pride herself on the fact that I am choosing abstinence until marriage, and say it's because of the way she raised me, when NONE of the other 3 kids chose that for themselves? It wasn't her upbringing, she only brought me to church a handful of times and she NEVER told me to save myself to marriage. I CHOSE to go to church with my grandmother, I CHOSE to give my life to God, and I am CHOOSING to live in obedience, believing his way to be the BEST path for my life, and that includes saving sex for marriage. Raising 4 children does not make you an expert. I'm not an expert BUT, I have dealt with 100's of children. I've walked many toddlers through this stage. If my Mom would give me 5 minutes, with her out of sight, I could calm him down.
What makes it more like a slap in the face is when she does this, or something else to upset me, and I am trying to explain to her how it makes me feel she says "I don't want to do this in front of him, I don't want to yell in front of him"....and I am not yelling. I have a tone that shows I am upset, hurt, angry... but I am not yelling. Today, when she pulled that I did yell. I said "this is not yelling ... THIS IS YELLING.... I was not yelling before and I'm not now!" ..... Not only is it irritating but, she never had a problem yelling when we were little. She yelled, screamed, cussed, etc. Growing up, I remember the tyrrantial fights she had with my Dad, I remember taking my little brother and sister outside at 10pm to ride our Big wheels so they didn't heart he yelling, cussing, and throwing of dishes. I remember cuddling next to my sister in our bunk beds and singing to her so she wouldn't hear. I can see my moms livid face when she back us into a corner screaming at the top of her longs in our face because someone spilled sugar on the table.
I hate having to explain to my friends that she hasn't divorced my Dad, nor is she with him. I hate telling them "My Mom lives in a trailer.... in our back yard". I hate having to remind myself and them that she not only is bipolar but also has mild mental retardation.
ANd above all I hate hate hate that I loves my temper and sometimes do yell. I hate that she makes me feel like my nephew is more important than us kids ever were. I hate that she won't talk to me about the problems in our relationship even in a calm manner when my nephew isn't around, she changes the subject, calls me a liar, or says she doesn't want to talk about it.
It drives me crazy that I have 5 or 6 families who greatly trust me with their children, who let me take them on little excursions, stay over night with them, etc. but my own nephew doesn't want me to even hold him.
For months now I've pushed so much down, dealing only with my Dads cancer. Knowing he is recovering and the tumor is gone, it's like I've let down walls and am feeling so much more about everything else, and now that my Mom placed her trailer in our back yard, the problems are constantly in my face. She has my nephew 50 hrs a week, and over half that time he is IN MY BACKYARD but, I can't go play with him. If my Mom is there, he will fuss for her. When I go for a walk, I can't take him with me because my Mom won't even let me just TRY to calm him down once we are out of her sight. What hurst more, she leaves him with HER Mom, his great grandma, who can barely even pick him up. She leaves him there for HOURS without even telling my sister she is going too leave him there (and my sister has asked her NOT to leave him there). She has left him with her Mom and let him cry the first few times so that he would realize it's ok. But she won't to do that with me.
And it hurts... it all hurts.
1 comment:
Sounds pretty bad, V. It sounds like your mom is trying to make up for lost time with her kids by being the "no one is better than me" grandma. I'm sure she's hurting a lot too. My family is pretty disfunctional as well but I eventually had to make some decisions for myself and just leave it all and deal with it from a distance--like the distance of an ocean! :) It seems like those who are closest are sometimes the most inappropriate people to help make a change because there are too many emotions and too many memories wrapped up in help part. The best thing for you to do is probably just get some real distance as soon as your dad gets better. This way you can spend some time learning, growing and equipping yourself to better deal with the frustrating "I gotta yell to get your attention!" moments. And so you can do it without all the distraction of the "at this very moment" problems. I know you want to see your family come to know Christ but stepping back and letting Him do the leading might make you a better example than you ever were when you were "in the thick of it." I found that my Mom came to really know Christ when I stepped back and became less involved in her life. By doing so, it allowed me to be a cool and controlled witness during a higher percentage of our time together. Maybe it'll work for you?? I'll be praying for your family none the less. Hang in there!!
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