swings and curls

Favorite foto friday # 24: Thankful

Prayers request: I am thankful for the time I have with my Dad being healthy, and that he has always been a part of my life. I am thankful for every moment we have together, for all he has done for me.

That is about to change. This week we got details on his cancer. My Dad has squamous cell carcinoma. The source is a good sized tumor at the base of his tongue (way in the back of the throat), which is inoperable because of the location, it is near too many vital structures such as major arteries, the trachea, etc. It is considered stage 4 because it has spread (and was found) in his lymph nodes. This is considered a very serious and very aggressive (and somewhat rare) cancer. He is going to start 8 weeks of a daily reagimine of chemotherapy and radiation. To put this in perspective, 7 1/2 years ago my Uncle Died of this same exact cancer. He was in stage 3 and was given 9 months to live with 10% change of treatment being effective. He quit chemo after 5 weeks because he could not tolerate, it made him VERY sick and he wanted to spend his remaining time loving and enjoying his family. He got to where he was able to surf again, work again, and be healthy for a few months before he died 8 months after diagnosis when his tumor grew and collapsed his trachea. My Dad feels no symptoms at this moment however, he has suffered from severe back injury and been on pain meds for some time now. It may be that symptoms he linked to his back injury were actually cancer symptoms. He thought being on pain meds caused him to lose about 40 pds in the last 8 months however, the Doctors says this is more likely to be from the cancer. Please pray for healing, My dad would begin to eat healthy (and eat a LOT), that he would quit smoking (he plans on it but, admits he needs a Doctors help), that treatment would be affective, and that he would gain a relationship with Christ (I'm really unsure of where his heart is at this point, he is evasive when I try to talk about it).

I am thankful for best friends who are always their for me no matter what. Friends whose should I can cry on, who I can act rediculous with, and plan scheming dreams with. Friends like Alicia who have seen me through every event in my life (except birth because I am 15 days older, and had to do that by myself.)
I am thankful for other good friends like Samantha. For getting to watch her fall in love and start a new chapter in her life!
I am thankful for new additions to our famly like my little cousin Joshua (top) who is a true miracle baby and my little "niece" Ashlynn (bottom)


I am so very thankful for family both immediate and extended. here is my immediate family when I was little. I'm thankful that God kept us together for so many years, even though most parents would have given up under the trials my parents had. I'm thankful that for now each of them have their health. I am so thankful that even with my Dads cancer diagnoses, he is in Gods grip, and I am thankful that he can use this for his good, perhaps even to draw my family back together/closer together!
I am thankful for scanners and that my grandma's doesn't rearrange. Because of those two things I have been able to scan over 300 pictures from the past, pictures dating back as far as my great, great grandmother and share them with out of state cousins who never had the chance to browse through this like I did. This one is of my grandma and grandpa when they first started dating...
I am thankful for the fabulous four, Josh, Levi, Gabe, and Kenzie, who all bring a smile to my face, make me feel loved, and remind me of the importance of being a Christ like example...because they are always watching.
I am thankful for my sweet puppy Kalika. She has snuggled up to me during countless tears and illnesses. She has an uncanny knack of knowing I am getting sick before me, of knowing when women are pregnant, and knowing when I am upset. She keeps me active, reminding me even on gloomy days a good walk can lift you up. She makes me laugh and smile, and forces me out of bed on depressing days. A dog can do a lonely aching heart some serious good!
This moment, and every moment I am blessed with him after it, I am so incredibly greatful for. The moment I met, saw, and held my sweet nephew for the first time. I never knew this feeling of love. Even though he is far from "mine", he feels like he is partly mine. My sister would say he is HERS, and I know he is ultimately God but, knowing he entrusted Zackery's life to my family, that he chose me to be his Auntie, it's a truly special feeling. Now he is one, and he smiles when he sees me, reaches out for me, and goes for swims and bike rides for me. He melts my heart. I have never worried so much for a child as for him. I worry about his physical health. I worry about the man he will become. I worry he will be scarred emotionally, or his personality will be changed because of circumstances surrounding his life. It's so, so, so different. I feel such a burden (in a good way) to love him and proclaim Christ to him, to be an example of unconditional love, to speak truth over him, and pray over him constantly. If I feel this for my nephew....how much more is it with your own kid?

I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed beyond measure.

Top 10 names

A young girl has a heart similar to mine! She started a MEME of FUTURE names for your children! For a hopeless romantic who has been dreaming of her kids since she was 4, I've had many, many names picked out. Here are my top 10 to date:

1. Lydia Krystine (God picked this name out for my first daughter)

2. Jedidiah Moses (Jed for short, and what little boy does not want to me a little Jedi?)

3. Andrew Christopher

4. Johanna Ruth

5. Elijah Jacob

6. Elliana Marie (Little Elly!)

7. Rose Emily

8. Lilly Katherine

9. Benjamin David

10. Emerson Nathaniel

10 years old....Johsua!!!

A decade ago...my buddy Joshua was born, November 20th. His family or siblings have been spotlighted here a few times :0). Josh, Joshua, Joshy, Monster, Turd, kiddo, Bud, any of these are nick names I've used for him. He was 3 months old when I met him, and I was 12. He became the first baby I was to babysitt for. And 10 years later, I am still his and his 3 siblings babysitter. I love them as much as I love my nephew, and I love being a part of their lives. It has been an honor to watch him grow from a smiley adorable baby, to an active, loving, "tween". Josh talked early, was always on the go, and made me smile after I lost my best friend. He broke his ankle on my trampoline, sang "Up on the roof top" to me when he wasn't even 3 and remember the lyrics better than I ever could, called be "Bilet" for the longest time, prays for me when I say I have a headache, makes me laugh all the time. He loves God, and this summer proclaimed it publicly with the obedient action of being water baptized. I've never met such a compassionate kid. He prays for the child they sponsor from Africa, when his baby brothers cry and I'm babysitting he always want's to help comfort them, He likes to help me bake, and enjoys one on one time with me. He worries when his sister doesn't feel well. Josh loves to give me big bear hugs, he likes to squeeze the air out of my lungs. He enjoys asking me questions about the bible and sharing with me what he has learned. Even though he is an excellent reader he still likes to have me read him a story. He respects me in a way some 5 year olds don't and even when he is disobedient, he is very apologetic in a sincere way, he really wants to be a good boy. He is an amazing young man, and I am so blessed to know him. He even loves my puppy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY! I HOPE YOUR HAVING FUN AT YOUR PARTY TONIGHT! I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY WII WITH YOU ON Thanksgiving. Your amazing, and I'm excited to see you grow over the next 10 years... by then you will be a young man, and practically my age!!!

Favortie Foto Friday # 23: For crying out loud

I was remarkably surprised at how hard it was to find crying pictures...and I'm the kind of person that doesn't delete bad pictures before uploading them. Hm. Here are some I did manage to find: After you get done looking at all the sour faces, please pray for my Dad, as he was diagnosed with cancer this week. I've written blogs about the details we know so far.

Poor Ruby and had her first bee stings :(
Davis wasn't a big fan of grass
This isn't really a crying face. It's a funny story actually. Caleb went through this aweful whining stage. I started being silly about it. I would get this funny voice and say "EH HEH HEH" really loud. Then I'd say "stop whinning". Pretty soon he started making this face, a similar sound and saying "no whinny". He got to where I could say "caleb, show my your whine" and he would do this. It cracked me up!
My little buddy Gabriel wasn't too happy when I got him up from his nap and he realized Mama was no where to be seen. This is the look I got.
And of course, brand new princess never like to wait for their food.

And then there was Cancer

A couple of months ago my Dad felt like his throat was swollen. At first he thought it was a side effect or allergic reaction to a medication he was taking for pack pain. He stopped taking the medicine but the swelling did not go away. Around this time I also happened to be sick, with a sore throat and a head cold. At this point my Dad began to wonder if maybe he had caught the virus I had. He did in fact get sick with a similar virus so, logically, he attributed the swelling to the illness.

After a month the swelling had not gone down, and my Dad was also experiencing pressure behind his ears. He set an appointment with the primary care physician. The doctor said it did not look like strep throat so he did not need antibiotics but, that his throat looked "funny", he mentioned a possible cleft palate (that's weird, I mean why would a 52 year old man suddenly have a cleft palate?). A referral was written to an ENT.

My Dad knows his throats anatomy is not typical because he has scar tissue from being intihbated, on life support and removed, and from surgeries from a traumatic experience when he was younger.

The ENT took a look, and knowing my Dads story said everything looked more or less normal. He said their were some warts on his voice box but this is actually very typical, most people never even know they are their. However, my Dad obviously had some swelling and my Uncle (his Older brother) died shortly before his 50th birthday due to cancer of the throat. The ENT decided it was cause for concern and ordered and ultra sound of my Dads throat.

By the time of the first Ultra sound the swelling had gone down in my Dads throat, apparently the antibiotics had worked. Both my Dad and the ENT thought things would be normal but better safe than sorry. As it turned out, the first Ultra sound showed extra lymph nodes ( I don't know details here, this is what my Dad said). So, they ordered a 2nd ultrasound for a guided biopsy. Again, the ENT told my Dad not to worry as things were likely to be normal.

I had even forgotten about the whole thing. They day of the biopsy, I remembered when my Dad called me and sounded scratchy. I asked how things were and he said he was sore but otherwise fine. He had been surprised because his swelling was on the right side, and yet they biopsied the left, apparently that is where the extra lymph nodes were. It seems test results always take forever to get back and no one was worried.

Well, my brother and I are the only one's living at home right now. My sister has excommunicated herself, my Mom moved out a few months ago, and my older sister is pushing 30 and has lived on her own for awhile. Its the 3 of us and the dogs. We are rarely all here at the same time, with my brother working nights, sleeping days, and spending spare time at his girlfriends or dirtbike riding, my Dad taking care of my grandmas needs, trying to get back to work, and me working, studying, babysitting, and taking care of grandmas dog, we just aren't all together very often.

Monday we had a chance moment of us all together. I was watching a recorded episode of smallville and my brother plopped down on the couch to watch it for a minute. I paused and ran to the bathroom. When I came back Dad was talking to Warren. Then he said "Well, since I have both of you here".... at that moment I knew what was coming... somehow I knew it wasn't a lecture about money, or cleaning up after yourself, or not knowing what was going to happen with grandma...somehow I knew it was about the biopsy.... by Dad stalled, going on about the story from the beginning, which Warren and I both knew.... He finally got around to saying it...."They found cancer"... and I started balling. I didn't think I'd get so upset, I mean, we don't know much yet. But it hit me hard. No one ever wants to hear the "C" word. I immediately thought of all the times when I was 15 I wished he were dead....of all the times I imagined him in a car accident or some such craziness.... Dad went on to talk some more, about how his brother had cancer, how we don't know exactly where it is or what it is, or how bad. All we know is some cancerous cells came back. I calmed down just to look at my brother and see he too had tears streaming down his face....that never happens. My brother doesn't cry. So, I started crying again. My Dad got up, let the room, and came back. He was crying too. My Dad never cries. I walked in on him crying in the bathroom after his brother died, and he was pissed. That is the only time I had seen him cry. This time he cried freely in front of 2 of his 4 kids. He said he didn't know how to tell us this. He said his kids were his life, something he has never said before.

In that moment I realized exactly how much us kids mean to my Dad, and how much he means to us. I am ashamed to say I've yelled at my Dad in anger that he cares more about money than us. It hit home to hear him say he had waited 4 days to tell us this because he did not know how to, because we mean the world to him. I know he always wants to be there for us, to help us and care for us, he always has been, and I think we both thought he always would be, at least until we didn't need him so much anymore.

We don't know where this journey will take us yet. He may have a small tumor, or just a wary lymph node. He may need surgery, radiation, or who knows what. It my be simple and short, or they may find this is a spread of something more serious in another part of his body. We know we are in for plenty more tests and appointments, which begin with a consultation week from tomorrow.

The last two days I've gone from being "fine" and optomistic because after all, we don't know much, to crying a monsoon of tears because I think I may not get to dance to "butterfly kisses" with my Daddy at my wedding.

To think just a week ago I was telling my best friend that when my parents are old and need to be taken care of, I want to let them live with me, and when they get beyond that, I will hire someone to care for them in my home.... A week ago, cancer wasn't a part of my world. Today, it's a huge part. Bigger than I ever imagined.

But you know....God is still on his throne. He is bigger than cancer. Oh, and he is the same God he was before I knew my Dad had cancer. He hasn't changed.

Something else just went wrong.

Things around our house have been....difficult. In the last year My Dad has been out of work due to a horrible back injury, my Mom left, my little sister cut off contact from our entire family (except my Mom), my grandfather died, my uncle moved out of state with his wife and his first child (who is a miracle) to start a business which failed, my grandmother has lost half her body weight, much of her health, and her will to live. My Dad has asked/said "What else can possible go wrong". You know the saying, when it rains it pours.... something else can always go wrong. It really can.

For us, something else went wrong, things just got worse.

My Dad just got the results back to a guided ultra sound biopsy which was "guaranteed" to come back normal. It didn't. The biopsy was of lymph nodes in his throat, and they came back cancerous. We don't know any more than that at this point. We know it's not in his lungs, he had a chest x-ray. We know he has had pressure behind his ears. We also know that my Uncle (his brother) died of cancer that started in his tonsils, 7 1/2 years ago.

So far, my Dad, My, My brother, my friend Joanna, and my youth pastors wife know. And of course, any readers. We haven't event old my Mom yet.

Please pray. I will blog mor elater