The last few weeks have been emotionally draining. I never thought I'd be in this place again, the place where I watched a loved one battle a terminal illness.
When I was 15 my first boyfriend died of Cystic Fibrosis (actually, complication from a double lung transplant). Andrew was the first boy I loved romantically. I knew when we began dating he had a terminal illness but, at 13 and 14 years old, you can't really comprehend what that means. So, we dated and fell in a ridiculously young but pure and unique love. To this day I haven't really dated.
Now I find myself questioning if I will lose the very first man I loved at all, my father. We have ahd some very low lows in our relationship but all of those God has used to give me the strongest relationship with my father of all my siblings. God has given me insight to things my Dad has experienced and battled. I am closer to my father than any of my siblings, than my Mom, and really closer to him than he is to his siblings or his Mom. So, watching him battle cancer is hard.
My Dad is a fighter. He always has been. This man has been near death at least 4 times in his life and each time defied the odds. He has been treated unjustly and fought for what was right. It scares me he recently told someone he was tired of fighting. And really, emotionally he is not in a good place. It's hard for me to look at him sometimes, he is losing weight daily. They placed a feeding tube in that he had complications with and resulted in him not wanting to mess with it at all. Every time he eats, his stomach muscles pull at the tube which is uncomfortable, and since the surgery he has had almost no appetite. Wednesday I saw the Dr. with him. The Dr. said that if he lost any more weight they woudl put him on a continuous feed. He cannot lose any more weight (he is about 5'5 and dropped down to 130 pds), he weights less than I do, and you can see indentations where muscle use to be.
So far he has had 2 chemo treatments, and after today he will have had his 15th radiation treatment. He gets radiation 5 days a week. They told us that at about 3 weeks he would fee the side effects from radiation. True to their word, this 3rd week he is experiencing pain in his through, developing sores in his mouth, and having bleeding in his mouth. He has handled chemo VERY well with no side effects although they expect him to feel some in the coming weeks. He has 4 more full weeks of radiation left (so 20 more treatments) and 5 more chemo. treatments.
My family is in a whole new place with all of this. My Mom moved almost a year ago, before any of this started. She is coming around and taking him to some appointments (they aren't divorced) but other than that, she isn't doing much. She is bipolar and has some mental delays that make for a very interesting dynamic. My 19 year old brother recently moved out for various reasons, my personal opinion is he just doesn't know how to handle all of what's going on. My little sister continues to be distant. She came over on Christmas, cried, hugged my Dad, told him she loved him and wanted to spend time with him but, since then hasn't so much as called to see how he is doing. That leaves me and my Dad here at home together. It's a very odd place, nothing like the home I grew up in. At times I'm angry with the other family members and other times I fear that if the worst happens, they will have some serious regrets. Our family has always been very unhealthy and disfunctional but for some reason, I thought something like cancer would bring us all back together. Selfishness, Bitterness, and anger reigns in their lives. No that I am perfect but God has certainly given me healing and love that allows me to in return love and forgive others.
Please pray that my Dad keeps a will to fight, he would be able to eat and/or be willing to do the tube feedings as required. Pray for strength for me and focus as I try to get caught up in school. And pray for my family. Pray that they will put away past mistakes and just come together. Pray God would speak to all of them through this time. And of course, pray for Dad's healing. Meeting others with similar cancers has proved to show how serious this is. We met someone with stage 2 cancer that is having serious complications after 5 weeks of treatment. My Dad is stage 4, and his treatment is more aggressive.
In praises: I found a home church which has been filling a need I have had for a long time.
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