Why easter is hard for me this year...

My heart hurts tonight. Usually Easter is my favorite time of year, it's my own personal favorite holiday, one that means something so special to me, and one that hasn't been as commercialized or paganized as other Christian holidays. I don't feel obligated to visit 5 different family members homes and try to find a way to really bask in the REAL meaning. Now that the kids are grown my not so Christian family doesn't really care if we do something for Easter, which means I can spend plenty of time reflecting, soaking up my Jesus, pouring over the Easter story and what it means for MY life....for YOUR life. I focus for a moment on that fact that God so LOVED ME he sent his only son for ME... Jesus loved ME so much that he DIED for me.... and they both loved me so much that Jesus paid my penalty, rose again, and conquered death...typing that gives me goose bumps. It's the one time of year I don't question WHY he would love ME so much, with all my faults and failures.... I just know he DOES. 

But.... I must be honest that this year it is hard. This year, I want my Mom and Dad beside me in that church pew, listening for the 100th time how Jesus went to Calvary for our sins AND BELIEVING it. This year, I want to show off my 1.5 year old nephew in his easter best, all while turning around to give the compliments back to my sister. This year I DONT want to think about how hard it was for me to gain the courage to visit my Dad in the nursing home, only for him to tell me he hates our family, and I shouldn't come visit him if I'm only going to talk about things that upset him (only in much meaner words.... and I had no idea what I was saying would upset him AT ALL). I don't want to look at all the 3 or 4 generations of women sitting together, and be reminded that not only is it not my season to produce a 4th generation but that my Grandmother dislikes me because I am independent and don't let her control or dictate me, and how my Mother isn't their because she believes if you aren't living right you shouldn't go to church because then you are a hypocrite. I certainly don't want to see my friends who are all in the midst of somewhat new and exciting relationships ( I am happy for them but it's so hard to see right now in this season of my life). 

I know that NONE of this is what easter is all about. I know it's not about the little girls in fancy dresses, or having your family take up 2 pews. I know it's not about being perfectly happy. I KNOW. But I still want that. If I can't have my own family there, I'd like to have the beginnings of a family I am creating there. Most days I'm SO ok being single, most days I am enjoying this season, most days I can see the good works God is doing in me to prepare me for partnership but somedays.... there is a haze and I can't see so clearly. Some days what I WANT clouds my view of what I know is best, Gods Timing. It's just that it's hard enough being a single girl from a Non believing family in that 3rd pew any other given Sunday, Easter.... it's really hard. On Easter you see the woman who comes alone with her 3 children every week, with a Man by her side. On Easter, you see the pastors daughter and son in law with their new baby who attend church across town, proudly seated in the front pew. On Easter, you see the entire worship center filled to the brim and everyone knows someone. On Easter, no one thinks to invite the young girl in her 20's over for dinner, because they assume she has somewhere else to go, some loving extended family member who is surely making her a part of their celebration. 

This year I DO have a place to go, and for that I am ever grateful. For the 3 year old who insisted I was coming to church with THEM, I am grateful. For the family that has asked me over, I am grateful. For Jesus, for the resurrection I am more than grateful.  

Wow. My blog is depressing lately. Sorry about that... 

Dreams

I don't dream a lot but, when I do they are usually very clear, and I remember them. The last two nights I haven't slept well and I had a lot of weird dreams. I remember two from last night:

One was me coming down with a sore throat. It didn't seem too bad so I didn't mention it, I just lay down for a nap. When I got up, my throat hurt a little worse but when I looked in the mirror I had these crazy white spots that were welted all along my neck, and at the base of my ear I had these little red spots. We went immediately to the Emergency Room where I was diagnosed as having severe strep throat.

In the other dream me, my Mom, my Moms cousin (who in real life doesn't have kids) and my Mom's Cousin's kids (a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl) were headed to the zoo. My Mom's cousin was driving my Mom's van. She took a wrong turn and in order to get back where we needed to go she turned onto what looked like a road that would get us turned around. Instead this road spilled out on a sort of spiralled road (like the exit ramps to the Sea Tac airport parking garage), or for those who haven't been to sea tac, like a road that goes up or down and around a mountain. Pretty soon I noticed several "Caution" symbols painted on the road and right as I mentioned it to my Mom's cousin, this spiral road ended and a body of water met us. We drove straight into that body of water. It was a turquoise blue color so it must not have been Washington. First thing I did was to tell the kids to be very very calm, and I let them out of their car seats/seat belts. Then we carefully opened the door ( I know you can't really open car doors when under water and you have to break the windows but, it was a dream and so it didn't make sense). I sent the boy up first and he did great (it wasn't very deep). Then I grabbed the girl and pushed her out. Somehow my Aunt and Mom had already gotten out. We could see these enclosed ski lifts going by us on other routes and we could see their was a route about us. I lifted the girl onto the road we had just driven off of and my Mom and the boy climbed up as well. My Aunt and I began diving back down to the vehicle to grab a few things. We were eventually rescued. The next thing I know we are walking to where the vehicle was taken with my Grandpa (who help my Mom buy the van), and my Uncle. My Grandpa was MAD. I kept asking my Mom is she told him the SHE wasn't driving. My grandpa pushed passed me and knocked me over where I hurt myself from the land, the then ordered me up, not caring that I was hurt.... and then, of course, I woke up. So so weird!

Bubbly Under the Stars, yay.

Is it appropriate for straight, same sex, best friends to have a "romantic" evening. YES! At least I think so. I mean, why shouldn't two young single girls get to enjoy a nice pasta dinner, some champagne, candles, hot fudge sundays, and relaxing in a hot tub while have intimate conversation!? Those things are what I will be doing tomorrow evening with my best friends, and I am SO excited! No worries about: leading someone on, about flirting or not flirting, about sounding stupid, "does my swim suit make me look fat", is my make up running, etc. etc. etc. just a good time, with a good friend, in hot swirling water, sipping and adult drink, all under the stars! Yay! I think the whole needing a significant other, goo goo eyes, we are falling in love sort of situation for this type of evening is highly over rated any how. 

Did I mention we may also be a little crazy, giggly, girl, silly, full of gossip (not the bad time) etc. etc. etc.

Little Power Fishies

If you knew these girls, you would know that the Title of my post is a play of their last name. These 4 sweet girl I have known since they were BORN! There big sister is my best friend. We are 15 days apart and our Moms were best friends since before we were born. Anyway..I digress... I remember when H. was born... she just turned 12. How did that happen? H. was baby number 6 for this family. WE thought they were done because their had been 3 years between her and the previous baby. The previous baby had been the 2nd boy and we were so sure "this is it". Well, not the family and not God. H. was an exciting addition. She was the baby sister I desperately wanted. Now, N. will be 10 this year. I was all geared up to go to my best friends birthday party when I go the call "My Mom had that baby, it's a girl!" As I joke I said "the party is still on right?", lol. Right behind her (almost 2 years to the day!) Miss A. was born. SHe was the first of the babies I got to see in the hospital. SHe had the biggest cheeks, and LONG eyelashes, and smelled SO good. It took them forever to name her, I mean after 7 kids they had used pretty much every name they could possible want to use. Eventually they picked one out of a baby name book shortly before they had to leave the hospital. And L. How could I forget little L. I so couldn't. I knew L. was on her way before her big sister did ( only b/c her big sister was out of the country when we found out). L. was SO TEENY TINY when she was born. She was a few week early and barely weight 5 pds. My friend didn't like to hold her in public because people thought she was hers, and she hated that as much as I LOVED it. I would hold L. when her parent were in the bathroom etc. and others would gush about what I beautiful baby I had. I'd say thank you and then tell them she wasn't mine but I still liked that they thought she was. L. was like a live baby doll for her sisters. We got to care for her a LOT. And now each of these itty bitty baby girls, that I dressed, changed, bathed, loved on... are age 6, 8, 10 and 12. HOw on earth did that happen?

Since they were babies I have been taking them to the local pool, where I work. They would call me and say "Wiyl you take us wimming Viyet?" In their sweet little girl voices. How could I EVER resist? A. was been swimming length of a 25 yard pool since she was 3, and L. would jump of a diving boars starting at 2! Recently we went to the pool again. L. has decided I'm her best friend and is attached at my hip. I love it because the other girls are at the point where I take them and then they go off on their own. L. plays with me and lets me still teach her, and she is a FISH in the water. She is such a sweet girl and I love watching who she is becoming. I'm so glad they are growing in to such amazing little girl and young women but, it also makes me slightly sad to see L. getting so big as she is definitely the last child. 6 years old...oh my word!

Silly, sweet, loving L. She spent an hour coloring a picture for my Dad and put it in his room. She was so worried about him because he wasn't coming out. I took her in to see him. She snuggles so with me and with anyone. I don't think her eldest sister would accept so many kisses from one person but she takes them willingly from L. I think L. will grow up to be the type of person who makes everyone feel special, loved, and worth her time, because she does it already at just barely 6 years old. 
N. is such a pretty girl who is quickly becoming young lady. She is a tomb boy in many ways but has the most amazing hair. It takes her "a moment" to catch on to jokes, and she says some of the most outrageous things, and this makes her N., whom I love. lol. A lover of animals, I can see her becoming some sort of a care taker, maybe as a career and maybe just as part of her natural tendencies in daily life. I pray she grow up to be incredibly secure in who she is and knows she has a lot to offer the world.
H. oh H., what do I say, a sassy little thing who loves to tease. Can she POSSIBLE be a Pre Teen already? She knows more than she lets on and is smart as a whip, very social and athletic, and she is funny, she has whit. She has a feminine flare though that she tried to hid...I see it though, lol. She is an amazing big sister, and I think her best friend she would say is her sister N.  A little mother (in SOME ways a bit bossy, but it is simply from corralling 3 younger sisters in the art of constructed play). She is a leader and I know she will go far.
A., often soft spoken, sweeter than creamy smooth organic chocolate ice cream, and best friend of her little sister L. She is the girly girl of the bunch. Creative she is, and loves it when I braid her hair, she always lets me do whatever I want with it. She is determined and  works hard at whatever she does, school, art, play...  she has a sweetness and goodness to her that I just can't explain, and has concern for others. 
Just another of L. because she is so darn cute, and I got the most pictures of her! Lol.

How much longer, Oh lord?

It had been almost a week since I went to visit with my Dad, and for the brief moments I was their today, it cannot be called a visit. I told my Dad I'd be their in an hour, and I was but, poor worn out guy he is, he fell asleep, sitting up, cup in hand... he was in a hard sleep when I got there. So, I left a few things for him, and left. 

The truth is, I did not want to be there. I hate places like that, nursing homes, hospitals, etc. Places that to me often smell of death. When he was home, I didn't compare his appearance to his roommates, or to that of the patients across the hall. When he was home, it wasn't so obvious that actually fits in with these elderly people who are in their 70's and 80's, even though he is only 53. At home no one told me how nice it was his grand daughter came to see him, especially since I am his daughter and his only grandchild isn't yet 2 years old. Yet, when he was home, I could not manage his pain, keep him hydrated, or even get enough calories in him to maintain his already horrifically low weight. 

Visiting him often gives me a headache. I get nauseated, and always exit the room, keeping my head down so that no one sees the pooling tears, holding them back just until I hit the cool outside air, where, inevitably the rain drops will hit my cheeks about the same time the tears spill over, mingling cold with hot... it's at times like this I don't mind the nearly constant drizzle our state holds for many months...times when the dreariness makes sense. It shouldn't be like this when I visit my Dad.  I hope he does not think my lack of visiting means I love him less... I keep trying to muster the strength to spent more than an hour with him. 

Today was especially hard as I already had a headache, and was exhausted from a late night. Even though he was sleeping when I arrived, his position made him look like a stroke victim, his mouth handing open, he did not have his partials in, so his mouth sunk around his gums where he does not have teeth, one eye was half open, he head lolled to the side, and he snored. I was glad he was sleeping so deeply as sleep does not come easy or often for him now but, seeing how he had fallen asleep with a cup on his hand and papers sprawled on his lap, I knew he fell asleep mid thought, preparing for my arrival so we could sort mail and pay bills. Sometimes I think I would be easier to handle these visits if I KNEW what the cancer was doing, if I knew if the treatment worked or not. The waiting for him to recover enough for reevaluation only makes it hard because right now... as far as I know... my Dad still has cancer, and it seems like he is their to die. I know it's not true, he is in fact there to allow him to recover, and more speedily but sometimes the heart does not consort with the mind enough to leave a person settled. 

Now, I don't have the strength to go home, where I'd once again be alone, in a house that has always been so full. I also don't have the energy to go to a friends house, even if the laughter would be good medicine. So, I sit at a starbucks, smelling the roasted coffee but not drinking because I'm still nauseated from my 5 minutes stay at Dads facility. I also have a headache... 

I can barely recall the fun I had last night, at a party with people I love. Oh, it was fun, and good for my spirit, I know...but sometimes reality comes back so fast, so starkly, and you realize that your life is so drastically different from others. 

Lord, be near... today is hard. I need you.

Some recent pictures...

Not everyday is consumed by caring for my Dad, actually, now I'm not really caring for him at all (more on that later but, basically he was admitted to a nursing home facility to gain back his strength and maintain hydration). My days have also been filled with babysitting for a new family with two lovely children, spending time with my nephew, having my new baby cousin up for  a visit, and more...

Miss Ava. She is such a sweet little girl!

Tyler and I made brownies this day. He is a hoot and can cop and attitude sometimes but is also loads of fun!

My Nephew LOVES computer and cell phones. Here I was letting him type in my pages program.

My Dad with my baby cousin Joshua. This was several weeks into treatment but still several weeks before finishing. He lost a lot more weight and seems to have aged much more since this picture.

Having fun with my clown of a nephew. He thinks everything is funny and is SO silly!

While my baby cousin was here I took him for his first swim, he LOVED it!

A few months ago my grandmother was very ill, had lost a ton of weight and we thought we would lose her but, she pulled through and is thriving. I love this picture of her looking adoringly at her grandson, whom she never thought she would meet. 

Cancer update...down to the wire

It's getting hard folks. Dad weighs in at 112 pds, not much more than a skeleton. I can't get him to take more than 1,000 calories a day. He was getting more than that but, a family member came in and decided to start mixing the water with the formula. She was trying to do a good thing and was worried about dehydration...but, they hydrate him at least weekly at treatment, they don't feed him. I need to push calories (Per Doctors order). And now...he like's having the formula watered down but, then he is too "full" to push more formula, so he is losing out on vital calories. Part of his adversion to formula is due to complication with is g-tube placement that caused him extreme pain for 3 weeks, and pain any time his stomach muscle began moving the contents through his body. Apparently he has "abnormal anatomy" which made the placement of the g-tube funky. But even then, the Doctors did not get how much pain he was being caused...until they replaced the one tube with a mickey button. By then he had such an adversion to any touching of the tube or putting anything in it, it was torture to get 1/4 the number of calories in him. Now he is doing better but his stomach has shrunk, his appetite is GONE, and the formula causes phlegm which he can't stand.


The pain is nearly unbearable. He is on a narcotic pain patch, and two narcotic pain medication he gets through g-tube. . Even what he is on BARELY touches the pain. His neck is completely raw. THe parts that aren't raw look VERY dark from the radiation.


The inside of his mouth and throat is raw, with sores all inside and down it. His tongue feels on fire. He has a ton of phlegm all the time, and regularly clears his through and spits large amounts out of his mouth...this is very painful. He has NO taste buds OR saliva glands so his mouth is VERY dry, he says it feels like cotton balls.


It got hard VERY fast.... he did REALLY well for the first 5 1/2 weeks and then it SUDDENLY got REALLY REALLY bad. We explain this by saying during the first few treatmemts symptoms/pain got a little worse....then, it suddenly got exponentially worse with each treatment...

HOWEVER...WE ARE DONE WITH TREATMENT! Yay! We finished last Wednesday (I actually wrote the first 1/2 of this post last week and forgot to post! OOPS! NOw we wait and see, wait and heal. THey can't evaluate the tumor or spots where it has spread yet due to the swelling and inflammation. It may look like the tumor has grown when really it hasn't, it's just that everything is so swollen it looks like it has grown. I found this odd because when my Uncle had this cancer they DID evaluate before treatment was even over, and told him it wasn't working, he was terminal. It all makes sense though and my Uncle was sick 8 years ago so perhaps they have just learned more since then.

We are doing a little better about the calories this week, it's still hard, especially if I am not home all day to bug him about it.

In other news, while my estranged sister did come over for Christmas and put on a show about wanting to "make things right", wanting to visit my Dad, cried, said she was sorry etc., and then never even bothered to call for MONTHS after....she called me today and asked me to do her hair for a party. It didn't work out but, she did invite me to a move this weekend. Both of my sister and I are going...that is a huge step for us. I so wish that having a relationship with them was easy. I wish our parents had cultivated family importance and good sibling relationships in us...

A friend came over and helped me do some deep cleaning which was SOOOOO appreciated! My Aunt has been a huge help in dealing with my Grandmothers affairs and squaring things away where that is concerned.


I admit I am scared. Very scared. It's SO hard to see him in so much pain. I cry nearly every time I leave his room. I HOPE this treatment will work but, I fear it may not, or if it does, the cancer will come out. Sometimes I have nightmares about him dying in his sleep because his body just couldn't take anymore. I am also dealing with anger directed at my Mom and Sister. My mom should BE HERE. She should be doing MORE. She should be both a wife and a mom. I know mentally and emotionally she is not capable of taking care of financial matters but I still have some frustration that she cant, and doesn't. My sister hasn't called 1 time since diagnosis, and she came over only once, and that was to see my Uncle who was visiting from out of state.


The worst part is my Dad is not saved. He has NO HOPE. He has lived a joy less life and he is afraid of dying. He has lived a life of misery, bitterness and anger. That makes me the saddest... I want him to have peace. I want him to believe and know that we will be taken care of by someone greater than him. I want him to not worry about finances, my schooling, us "losing everything".... He lives in constant stress, worry and anxiety, not a good combo for fighting cancer...



I love him all the same, and I savor every hug I get from him... I'm learning more about being PATIENT and just kind. I wish I could do more, especially to make him feel at ease about me handling things if something does happen to him.