I want her to understand

Sometimes I want to scream and cry at the same time. I'm so angry I shake... but soon the anger dissolves into tears. 

My Mom moved out of my parents house a year ago. She planned on living in her van. I'm sure if it has stayed that way, she'd have moved home before too long. However, her parents (my grandparents) did not want her living in her van so they bought her a mobile trailer to live in. She kept it in a friends back yard... until she was no longer welcome there. Now, my Dad is in a nursing home and she has moved the trailer into our back yard. It makes me angry every time I see it. I know the situation isn't all her fault, and I know it wasn't healthy BUT, she claims to be a Christian (my Dad never has). If she is a Christian, she would stick to her vows.... better or WORSE. Sometimes I blame her for tearing our family apart. 

When my sister got pregnant, it became all about my sister and the baby. Before that, my Mom was really upset with my sisters behavior and things between my Mom and Dad were going good. Once a baby was part of the equation, suddenly it was ok for my sister to say unspeakably disrespectful things to my Dad, and my Mom stood behind my sister. 

Now, my nephew is almost 2 years old, and he is the only child I have ever known to not have a good relationship with me. Sure, kids I nanny/babysitt fuss when their parents leave, and prefer Mom/Dad over me (as it should be) but they also have a bond with me. I'm good with kids and I always have been.  But my nephew, every time he even fusses a little my Mom picks him up, rocks him and tells him "it's ok, Grandma's here". I KNOW that if she would leave for 5 minutes, he'd calm down and I could spend some time with him. Once I proved it to her. I picked him up and he started fussing. She went to take him for me, and I said "let me take him outside, if he won't stop crying in 1 minute I will bring him back". Sure enough, it took LESS than a minute and he calmed down.  It's been awhile since I spent time with him. I love this little boy SO much. I want to take him to the zoo, the park, the swimming pool. Today my Mom wanted to do some things without him (she watches him while my sister works). She asked if I could watch him if she got him to sleep. I asked why she only ever asked if I could watch him while he sleep? Why can't I watch him while he is awake? Because.... he cries when she leaves. That is NORMAL... babies get separation anxiety, you have to TEACH them it's ok to be with certain other adults. I asked her to let me take him for a walk and she said ok. Once I put him in the stroller he started screaming and crying. I told my Mom to let me walk down the road, just out of sight, I'd take hime out and calm him down, and we would finish our walk. She wouldn't let me. She took him out, started rocking him and telling him it was ok, grandma had him. 

It feels like she is telling him I am NOT ok, I am NOT  a safe person. It IS telling him that if he throws a tantrum, she will give him what he wants. I got upset and was trying to tell her this. Whenever we have this argument, she tells me she knows him better, and she knows kids, she raised four of her own. This makes me mad because she did raise 4 kids, 4 dysfunction kids. Even I have some big issues (and with Christ I'm working on them). How can she pride herself on the fact that I am choosing abstinence until marriage, and say it's because of the way she raised me, when NONE of the other 3 kids chose that for themselves? It wasn't her upbringing, she only brought me to church a handful of times and she NEVER told me to save myself to marriage. I CHOSE to go to church with my grandmother, I CHOSE to give my life to God, and I am CHOOSING to live in obedience, believing his way to be the BEST path for my life, and that includes saving sex for marriage.  Raising 4 children does not make you an expert. I'm not an expert BUT, I have dealt with 100's of children. I've walked many toddlers through this stage. If my Mom would give me 5 minutes, with her out of sight, I could calm him down.

What makes it more like a slap in the face is when she does this, or something else to upset me, and I am trying to explain to her how it makes me feel she says "I don't want to do this in front of him, I don't want to yell in front of him"....and I am not yelling. I have a tone that shows I am upset, hurt, angry... but I am not yelling. Today, when she pulled that I did yell. I said "this is not yelling ... THIS IS YELLING.... I was not yelling before and I'm not now!" ..... Not only is it irritating but, she never had a problem yelling when we were little. She yelled, screamed, cussed, etc. Growing up, I remember the tyrrantial fights she had with my Dad, I remember taking my little brother and sister outside at 10pm to ride our Big wheels so they didn't heart he yelling, cussing, and throwing of dishes. I remember cuddling next to my sister in our bunk beds and singing to her so she wouldn't hear. I can see my moms livid face when she back us into a corner screaming at the top of her longs in our face because someone spilled sugar on the table. 

I hate having to explain to my friends that she hasn't divorced my Dad, nor is she with him. I hate telling them "My Mom lives in a trailer.... in our back yard". I hate having to remind myself and them that she not only is bipolar but also has mild mental retardation. 

ANd above all I hate hate hate that I loves my temper and sometimes do yell.  I hate that she makes me feel like my nephew is more important than us kids ever were. I hate that she won't talk to me about the problems in our relationship even in a calm manner when my nephew isn't around, she changes the subject, calls me a liar, or says she doesn't want to talk about it. 

It drives me crazy that I have 5 or 6 families who greatly trust me with their children, who let me take them on little excursions, stay over night with them, etc. but my own nephew doesn't want me to even hold him. 

For months now I've pushed so much down, dealing only with my Dads cancer. Knowing he is recovering and the tumor is gone, it's like I've let down walls and am feeling so much more about everything else, and now that my Mom placed her trailer in our back yard, the problems are constantly in my face. She has my nephew 50 hrs a week, and over half that time he is IN MY BACKYARD but, I can't go play with him. If my Mom is there, he will fuss for her. When I go for a walk, I can't take him with me because my Mom won't even let me just TRY to calm him down once we are out of her sight. What hurst more, she leaves him with HER Mom, his great grandma, who can barely even pick him up. She leaves him there for HOURS without even telling my sister she is going too leave him there (and my sister has asked her NOT to leave him there). She has left him with her Mom and let him cry the first few times so that he would realize it's ok. But she won't to do that with me. 

And it hurts... it all hurts. 

Praise him from whom all blessing flow!

My aunt Wendy and my Dad.

I'm sitting here, with hair still dripping, itchy skin, and jello-ish muscles because I just got home after life guarding, teaching swimming lessons, and then swimming 2,000 yards and I SOOO need a shower BUT, I just HAD to do a quick post:

Dad had a cat scan yesterday and today they read the results: as of right now they say the tumor is GONE! Not only is it GONE, their is a hole where the tumor WAS. They plan to do a PET scan in 6 weeks to be EXTRA sure, and I'm thinking they will want to biopsy the lymph nodes where it had previously spread but, they are giving us a tentative diagnosis of REMISSION!

I feel like life can begin again. I'm elated. Monday was exactly 8 years since my Uncle Died of this cancer, it was bitter sweet telling my cousins today that my Dad is beating this same cancer, and I sometimes wonder "why my Dad and not their's". But I'm grateful because my Dad needs to find peace with the Lord.

Heavenly father THANK you for this. Thank you for carrying my Dad through, for giving me strength to help him through, and for carrying me when I felt like I couldn't walk. I know your answer to our prayers isn't always "yes" but for TODAY, we rejoice that it is "yes" to our prayers that you would heal my earthly father. Please Lord, allow me to continue to be the "light on a hill" in my Dads life, help me to shine Jesus for him, and help him to seek you in his 2nd (or if you know my Dad, 3rd and 4th) chance at this life."

Beautiful Scandelous Night

This song is speaking immeasurabley to me right now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!!

Easter Sunday

        Easter turned out much better than I had anticipated it would. Sure, there was still some sorrow and not having MY family with me but, good friends invited me to spend my day with them. My friends 3 year old son INSISTED that Mommy, Daddy, siblings, Grandma, AND Violet were coming to church with him. When I heard he was convinced I was going, I decided sitting with his family would be an honor and would feel better than sitting amongst stranger at the church I've been trying to attend regularly. It was a good service, especially the worship. I have to admit a chunk of the message was lost on me because God was doing a work in my heart and speaking directly to me. I was avidly writing in my journal (the one I usually only use for sermon notes) so I wouldn't forget/miss it. 

        Without even remembering Easter was around the corner, about a week ago, I gave up something in my life that has been destroying me. I've only shared this struggle with one other person and I don't feel at liberty to share it with the world wide web but I can say this "thing" has been causing me not to TRULY live for about 5 years. It's caused depression, it's made me a liar to a few precious people in my life, it held me captive, I felt trapped, worthless, meaningless, hopeless, lost, and most importantly it was keeping me from drawing closer to God. I knew I was in trouble when I began to doubt that the closeness I once felt with Christ ever really occurred. Satan was using this thing in my life to deceive me and destroy me. I decided this thing needed to be out of my life completely, and so it has been for just over a week now. Yesterday I realized Easter Sunday was a week exactly and as I remembered that Christ died to resurrect us, and give us new life, hope, and to bridge the rift between humanity and God, I realized he was also very much giving me "new life on earth" by helping me purge myself of this shackle I had in my life. Now I can LIVE and I can live for HIM and not this "thing". These very big dreams that I have felt would never become more than dreams, dreams I felt I wasn't big enough  to accomplish (I'm not big enough but GOD is), Dreams that are also visions God has given me for my future, are starting not to seem impossible. God HAS called me to them, and He WILL bring them to pass. 

It is still a daily struggle, a choice I have to make, to keep my life free of this "thing" and probably one I will struggle with for several years but, now more than ever I feel my sweet Jesus giving me the strength to go on, to turn away, and to say "NO!" God has something better for my life. 

I ended the day with another family that has been friends with my family since before I was born. This family is amazing, their teenage kids have gone to visit my Dad in the nursing home. They have brought us meals when he could still eat. They call him and ask him if they can do anything for him/me. They invited me over for dinner, and an egg hunt (one for kids, one for the "big kids" or those over 18)... it was a lot of fun. I gave and got a neck massage from my friend, and just basked in the presence of so many people. 

God is Good, All the time. All the time, God is Good. 

Here is my favorite Easter song this year:

"Beautiful Scandalous Night"

Go up to the mountain of Mercy

To the Crimson perpetual tide

Kneel down on the shore, be thirsty no more

go under and be purified

follow Christ to the Holy Mountain

Sinner Sorry and Wrecked by the Fall

Cleans your heart and your Soul, in the fountain that flows

for you and for me and for all

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree

on that beautiful scandalous night you and me

We're atoned by his blood, forever washed white

On that beautiful Scandalous Night

On the hillside you will be delivered

At the foot of the cross justified

In your spirit restored 

by the river that pours

from our blessed saviors side

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree

On that beautiful scandalous night you and me

we're atoned by his blood, forever washed white

ON that beautiful scandalous night

Why easter is hard for me this year...

My heart hurts tonight. Usually Easter is my favorite time of year, it's my own personal favorite holiday, one that means something so special to me, and one that hasn't been as commercialized or paganized as other Christian holidays. I don't feel obligated to visit 5 different family members homes and try to find a way to really bask in the REAL meaning. Now that the kids are grown my not so Christian family doesn't really care if we do something for Easter, which means I can spend plenty of time reflecting, soaking up my Jesus, pouring over the Easter story and what it means for MY life....for YOUR life. I focus for a moment on that fact that God so LOVED ME he sent his only son for ME... Jesus loved ME so much that he DIED for me.... and they both loved me so much that Jesus paid my penalty, rose again, and conquered death...typing that gives me goose bumps. It's the one time of year I don't question WHY he would love ME so much, with all my faults and failures.... I just know he DOES. 

But.... I must be honest that this year it is hard. This year, I want my Mom and Dad beside me in that church pew, listening for the 100th time how Jesus went to Calvary for our sins AND BELIEVING it. This year, I want to show off my 1.5 year old nephew in his easter best, all while turning around to give the compliments back to my sister. This year I DONT want to think about how hard it was for me to gain the courage to visit my Dad in the nursing home, only for him to tell me he hates our family, and I shouldn't come visit him if I'm only going to talk about things that upset him (only in much meaner words.... and I had no idea what I was saying would upset him AT ALL). I don't want to look at all the 3 or 4 generations of women sitting together, and be reminded that not only is it not my season to produce a 4th generation but that my Grandmother dislikes me because I am independent and don't let her control or dictate me, and how my Mother isn't their because she believes if you aren't living right you shouldn't go to church because then you are a hypocrite. I certainly don't want to see my friends who are all in the midst of somewhat new and exciting relationships ( I am happy for them but it's so hard to see right now in this season of my life). 

I know that NONE of this is what easter is all about. I know it's not about the little girls in fancy dresses, or having your family take up 2 pews. I know it's not about being perfectly happy. I KNOW. But I still want that. If I can't have my own family there, I'd like to have the beginnings of a family I am creating there. Most days I'm SO ok being single, most days I am enjoying this season, most days I can see the good works God is doing in me to prepare me for partnership but somedays.... there is a haze and I can't see so clearly. Some days what I WANT clouds my view of what I know is best, Gods Timing. It's just that it's hard enough being a single girl from a Non believing family in that 3rd pew any other given Sunday, Easter.... it's really hard. On Easter you see the woman who comes alone with her 3 children every week, with a Man by her side. On Easter, you see the pastors daughter and son in law with their new baby who attend church across town, proudly seated in the front pew. On Easter, you see the entire worship center filled to the brim and everyone knows someone. On Easter, no one thinks to invite the young girl in her 20's over for dinner, because they assume she has somewhere else to go, some loving extended family member who is surely making her a part of their celebration. 

This year I DO have a place to go, and for that I am ever grateful. For the 3 year old who insisted I was coming to church with THEM, I am grateful. For the family that has asked me over, I am grateful. For Jesus, for the resurrection I am more than grateful.  

Wow. My blog is depressing lately. Sorry about that... 

Dreams

I don't dream a lot but, when I do they are usually very clear, and I remember them. The last two nights I haven't slept well and I had a lot of weird dreams. I remember two from last night:

One was me coming down with a sore throat. It didn't seem too bad so I didn't mention it, I just lay down for a nap. When I got up, my throat hurt a little worse but when I looked in the mirror I had these crazy white spots that were welted all along my neck, and at the base of my ear I had these little red spots. We went immediately to the Emergency Room where I was diagnosed as having severe strep throat.

In the other dream me, my Mom, my Moms cousin (who in real life doesn't have kids) and my Mom's Cousin's kids (a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl) were headed to the zoo. My Mom's cousin was driving my Mom's van. She took a wrong turn and in order to get back where we needed to go she turned onto what looked like a road that would get us turned around. Instead this road spilled out on a sort of spiralled road (like the exit ramps to the Sea Tac airport parking garage), or for those who haven't been to sea tac, like a road that goes up or down and around a mountain. Pretty soon I noticed several "Caution" symbols painted on the road and right as I mentioned it to my Mom's cousin, this spiral road ended and a body of water met us. We drove straight into that body of water. It was a turquoise blue color so it must not have been Washington. First thing I did was to tell the kids to be very very calm, and I let them out of their car seats/seat belts. Then we carefully opened the door ( I know you can't really open car doors when under water and you have to break the windows but, it was a dream and so it didn't make sense). I sent the boy up first and he did great (it wasn't very deep). Then I grabbed the girl and pushed her out. Somehow my Aunt and Mom had already gotten out. We could see these enclosed ski lifts going by us on other routes and we could see their was a route about us. I lifted the girl onto the road we had just driven off of and my Mom and the boy climbed up as well. My Aunt and I began diving back down to the vehicle to grab a few things. We were eventually rescued. The next thing I know we are walking to where the vehicle was taken with my Grandpa (who help my Mom buy the van), and my Uncle. My Grandpa was MAD. I kept asking my Mom is she told him the SHE wasn't driving. My grandpa pushed passed me and knocked me over where I hurt myself from the land, the then ordered me up, not caring that I was hurt.... and then, of course, I woke up. So so weird!

Bubbly Under the Stars, yay.

Is it appropriate for straight, same sex, best friends to have a "romantic" evening. YES! At least I think so. I mean, why shouldn't two young single girls get to enjoy a nice pasta dinner, some champagne, candles, hot fudge sundays, and relaxing in a hot tub while have intimate conversation!? Those things are what I will be doing tomorrow evening with my best friends, and I am SO excited! No worries about: leading someone on, about flirting or not flirting, about sounding stupid, "does my swim suit make me look fat", is my make up running, etc. etc. etc. just a good time, with a good friend, in hot swirling water, sipping and adult drink, all under the stars! Yay! I think the whole needing a significant other, goo goo eyes, we are falling in love sort of situation for this type of evening is highly over rated any how. 

Did I mention we may also be a little crazy, giggly, girl, silly, full of gossip (not the bad time) etc. etc. etc.