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It's been 8 years. Eight. How has so much time passed? Has it really been that long? It feels like yesterday. It feels like it's been closer to 10 or 15 years.
I still think about you a lot. Recently my friend had her first kiss, and I remembered our first kiss. It wasn't my first kiss with a boy but, it was my first kiss with a boy I loved. It was innocent, fast, a peck of sorts, at the theatre, with my little sister and your little brother. That kiss isn't the one I usually remember though. The one I remember the most, is the one in your hospital room. I was incredibly embarrassed when you said in front of your parents " gimme some sugga", and your Dad turned around instead of leaving the. I blushed immensely. I wonder what you think of the fact that I don't plan on kissing another until he is my husband.
I don't remember what you smelled like but I remember the way your skin felt. I remember what if felt like when you held my hand but I don't remember what I felt when I first met you.
I am so different from the girl you knew. I wonder what you would think of the woman I've become, and am becoming. I wonder what kind of a Man you would have been if you were allowed to grow up on earth. I wonder what would have become of us.
You know, I haven't really even had another boyfriend since the year you died. It was just 2 years ago that I felt like I'd even consider dating if someone showed interest. My choice not to date, it's not about you anymore, I don't want to date right now because I am not ready to be married, and if I'm not ready to be married, what is the point in dating?
Do you know I stayed very close to your family? Do you know I dropped the "O" when calling your Dad Papa O. I just call him Papa. Sharon, well you never considered her a "step Mom" did you? I know you didn't. Just like you, I eventually asked if I could call her Mama, and now I do. . Jordan is so tall, you would be proud of your big younger brother. He has had some serious bumps in the road, and is still figuring things out. I know he misses you a lot. I pray for him all the time. I love him... like a little brother. I know you chuckle when you look down and see Ethan. That baby who was only 2 1/2, whom you wanted to talk so bad. You should hear him now! The kid talks a bunch. He slimmed out too. He is such a tall skinny thing, nothing like that husky toddler. You told us not to let him forget you, and he hasn't. He knows all about you, Mama, Papa, and myself have made sure of that. He looks like you, and he draws like you.
You know, I say I loved you, and I did. I can't say thought that your "the first boy I loved". I think what we had was unique, special, God ordained. I think we were made for each other "for such a time as this". But I know it was nothing like the love between a grown man and woman who become husband and wife. We were so young, and we always knew their was your illness. I was a bit in denial, and somewhat misinformed about the severity of your illness. I didn't know you had a severe case, and no one expected you to make it to 18. I read that some people with C.F. lived to be 30 and 40... I thought you could too. My biggest fear was that you would die when you were 15, just like a boy in a novel I read did. My biggest fear came to pass.
I didn't get to see you the last week of your life. I think it was for the best but, I still wish I'd had the chance to see you. I wish I had that option. I wish my phone calls would have been answered or returned. The day after, when I went to your house, Mama asked if I was mad at them. I told her "NO". In that moment I wasn't mad however, later on I did get mad. Funny, I mostly got mad at Dyeda. He answered my call one time during that week and I don't remember what exactly he said, I just remember him saying that Mama and Papa weren't allowing anyone but family to come visit. It made me feel like I wasn't family, and up until then I'd felt like I was family. I've never told them that before (however, Mama may read this and then she will know).
Every years gets easier. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, or a parent, or a sibling. I've been told that the pain never goes away. Maybe that is true. You though, you were my best friend, and my first love. I know what it's like to lose my best friend. The pain doesn't go away complete however, it does go away, and it does lessen. I don't cry on May 5th anymore. I can listend to The Beach Boys "wouldn't it be nice" and smile. I love the tattoo on my foot you inspired that says "Come As A Child... Mt 18:3". I remember you with warmth in my heart and without sadness. Your death doesn't make me sad anymore, it truly bring me joy that you are breathing easy and in the presence of Christ. I'm so grateful I knew you. I'm so grateful God chose ME to be a part of that year in your life. I'm so honored he chose me to be the "adopted" daughter into your family. I'm so blessed by having known and loved you, and by having been loved by you.
It's funny, I knew you less than 2 years, and you have been gone for 8, yet, those 2 years left more of an impression on me than almost anything else that has happened since. I quit being a little girl by getting to know you, by loving you. I was in that limbo, not yet a woman, but not still a little girl. I didn't become woman when you died but, I left childhood behind.
I miss you Andrew. I miss hearing you say my name. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss feeling you use the thumb on your right hand to trace my face. I miss your jokes. I miss you making me feel pretty, because you were the only boy that ever made me feel pretty.
Papa made a comment on facebook (boy would you have had fun with the facebook/myspace craze!) about the people who have gone on to name a child after you.... I will be honored when I can join those ranks. I always like the name Andrew, even before you were in my life. I know that I will some day have a little boy with the name Andrew, and I can't wait. I can't wait to tell him about you either.
