Leaps and Bounds

I had an opportunity to see my sister the other day and perhaps break down some walls. I was seriously frustrated and disappointed when "my Mom" closed the doors for the opportunity. It seemed perfect. Like if my mom put her foot down my sister would be desperate and I'd be able to come to her rescue. But, my Mom went out of her way to do things exactly the way my sister wants, even when it was incredibly inconveniant for my Mom. I was irritated because my Mom is constantly enabling my sisters behavior and reinforcing that it's not really wrong. In all honestly I ended helping my Mom out so that she could go do exactly what my sister wanted and so, I enabled both my Mom and my Sister.

But in retrospect, it wasn't just my Mom who shut that door. I really believe that God shut it, and hard because yesterday presented a better opportunity and results were better than I could have imagine.

Now i can see how the first situation would not have broken down any walls. In fact it could have made it harder to remain neutral. Not only that but my sister would not have take this situation as me helping her and embracing her with love and acceptance. She would not have been able to see that I am not going to hold a grudge over her by my doing this thing. In her eyes I would have been doing this for myself and for my Mom.

A few days later my Mom called and asked me a question which I knew it was imperative I answered yes. And in that moment I realized how hard it is to be a Christian. I saw how hard it is to be Christ like and to die to self. She asked me if my sister could borrow my lap top. This sister who won't talk to me, wouldn't let me see her son for months, bumped into me at the Doctor and gave me the coldest most hateful look I have ever seen on anyone... and chalked everything I've ever tried to do for up to me wanting to be able to brag about it and show my nephew off. This sister who recently told my Mom we could not have his picture because we just wanted to show him off and use him as a pawn (what, this exactly what she does with him, she tells my Mom if she doesn't do this, or that she can't have my nephew over night....). Yet I've been praying God would change my heart about this. I've been praying that if/when we meet face to face, I'd be able to see my sister as God does, and treat her as if nothing that has happened in the last 1.5 years ever happened. I knew that her borrowing my computer meant keeping it late. I knew she'd be staying with my Mom at work that night (my Mom works four 24 hours shifts for an elderly woman)and wouldn't be done until after the elderly woman and the baby were in bed. I knew it meant I would have to pick it up because after work I needed to finish writing a paper, and I knew I'd see her face to face.

Why is letting my sister borrow my computer such a big deal. Well, the first issue was that of how she has been treating not just me but my entire family aside from my Mom. The anger and hatred she has shown my dad and brother is just unfathomable. The rejection of her friends, and extended family makes no sense. The fact that she thinks she has never done anything "wrong"..... and we have been jack a**es just made me want to say Uh....NO. But then their is the fact that my computer IS MY LIFE (ok, not really Jesus, My family, and My dog are my life....lol) But, all my schooling is online. My computer is imperative for school work and holds saved copies of my old work. If something happened to it, I'd be in big trouble. It's also my biggest investment (at least since my brother totaled my car, lol). It is the reason I have a credit card right now....something I never wanted to have. It also holds all my beloved pictures. I'm not material girl really but, my computer is important to me and at this time in my life very much a needed accessory.

So.... I said yes. I said she could borrow my new Mac Book while I was at work but that I needed it back after. My mom would have to pick it up because I had to go to work earlier than expected. I really felt a peace about letting her use it. I felt it was the right thing to do. But I also felt torn. I want to do the human thing and "pay her back". I didn't really WANT to do the Christian thing. And I spent my working hours wondering if it would break down walls. I felt that she may not see this as helping her either. She was staying with my Mom because my Mom had drive to my sister (an hour away) to drop my nephew off for an appt. and my sister had and appt. in our town the next day. My Mom did not want to have to drive all the way their and back 3 times in two days. SO she wanted my sister to stay the night with her. Then she could cut down on one of those trips. My sister had some work to do for a class she is in at DSHS to help her obtain a job. So, it was either let her borrow my computer and stay with my Mom, or make my mom do a bunch of extra running around. I thought maybe my sister would think I was helping out my Mom and not her.

Things turned out better than I expected. I went to get my computer and my sister was really very nice. She thanked me a lot for letting her use my computer. She asked for help on adding up her hours for the week and she told me about my nephews occupational therapy intake evaluation (more on that later). We chatted a bit, just casual. I told her I was glad I could help her out. Then I shared some pictures I've taken of her son over the last few months. Then...she really surprised me. My Mom knew I wasn't working the next day and she asked if I could take my sister to her Dr. appt. so my Mom could get into the Chiropractor. My sister agreed that she would be willing to let me help my Mom out by taking her to the Dr. so I did and it was great. We just chatted. I carefully avoided topics that would stir up emotions. I asked her about this program she is doing, about how she if feeling, about a job interview. WE talked about the baby and how adorable he is. We talked about my sick grandma. She hasn't seen my grandma in awhile and my Mom doesn't like to go over their so I offered to take her some time.

Walls were certainly broken. They were crushed and pulverized. I'm certain that while we have taken one step forward there are bound to be 2 steps back. This is just how my sister works. The last two days were good days. It takes 10 nice selfless acts to counter act 1 negative word spoken to my sister ( I think this works for most people who are not Christians and who struggle with forgiving and trusting). However, as I type this I am in tears at the perfect way God works. I'm so thankful he showed me this opportunity and that I seized it. I'm grateful I got to spend just a short hour with my sister and just love her. I'm glad she got to see the attachment my nephew and I have.