Gen 40- 50

Jospeh was discerning and wise because he had the spirit of the Lord in him. This is what led him to be raised to be second only to Pharaoh.

Joseph became a captive as a teenager. He was a captive until he was 30 years old. BUt this time allowed him to seek God, and to learn a new language, which helped him orchestrate the situation with his brothers when they came.

I hope to have the same reaction to people who have done me wrong when they come before me.... Jacob was able to discern Gods reasons for his brothers doing what they did. Jacob told them not to be mad for what they had done because it led to them having provisions through the famine, which ultimately saved all their lives.

Teared up a the story of Joseph, that he was restored to his family. Can you imagine Jacob's emotions when he found out Jacob was still alive?

Because of Jospeh, Jacob went to Egypt. The Israelites started out as wealthy rulers in the land of Egypt. But in just a few short generations, they would be the slaves of Egypt. Ultimately, Jacobs great plan to get Egyptians through the famine, led to their servitude to Pharaoh. They all had to sell their land to Pharaoh in order to purchase food and seeds...

Israel/Jacob blessed Ephraim, Josephs younger son to be greater than the first born. THis seems to be a theme of the OT where humans placed significance on birth order, and first born, God repeatedly raised a younger child to lead and rule them.

Gen 28: 20-22 19 If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear21 so that I return safely to my father's household, then the lord will be my God22 and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth."

Jacob married Leah and Rachel, who were his cousins. Jacob was willing to wait, and work 7 years for Rachel. What Love and devotion! Rachels fathers deceit, giving Leah to him at the end of the 7 years, led to heart ache strife between both women. Leah knew she was not loved like Rachel was. Leah with each child believe that it would make Jacob love her, how many women do I see doing that today? Thinking bearing a man's child, or even still thinking bearing him a son will MAKE him love her? It took until her 4th son for her to praise GOD for her children.

Sometimes reading the OT only makes me mad. Their is SO much corruption! Lies, deceit, cheating/stealing, incest, polygamy... each generation you see men marrying more than one woman, sleeping with their servants and bearing children, and bearing these children for other women! Did they have any say in the matter? How did Rachel's servant feel when she was told to go sleep with Jacob and bear children with him for Rachel? Where was God in this and what were his thoughts on such behavior and actions?

Rachel watched 3 women bear children of her husbands before she did. She watched 10 sons and one daughter be born to him, 6 sons and the daughter born of her sister. But she still asked God for her own child. And she received it.

Jacob almost sought/got revenge on his father in laws deceit by returning it to him with how he handled breeding the flocks

Rachel stole Gods form her fathers house...why?

Jacob wrseted with "a man" and the man could not over power him... so he disabled him aka, Jacob wrestled with God and Jacob wasn't willing to bend to Gods will, in a sense. SO God caused him pain and disablity so he could get Jacob to listen. Gods all powerful but he cannot make us follow him. He can however change circumstances so our eyes are more open and willing to receive him...

Dinah....

Judah did not keep his promise, laid with a prostitute and gave a child to his sons wife.

Joseph and Potiphers wife

Joseph interprets dreams, his own and others...

Gen 17- Gen 28:19

At age 80-ish Abraham had faith God would give him a Son. At 100, Abraham laughed at God for restating that promise... Sarah also laughed when she heard the same fate for herself.

Gen 18:19 For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

Sodom and Gomorah, not even 10 righteous people were to be found... What must it be like to meet Angels? What kind of awe you must be in to offer your virgin daughters over to brute men to spare them attacking Angels. Second recording of incest is Lots daughters... why was it so important to mention this? Sarah is Abraham's half sister. Was it worse for a daughter to be with her father than for a brother and sister to be together (ew either way, sometimes I am amazed and what I've forgotten is in just the earliest chapters of the bible!!!)

Abraham lies about his wife being his sister a 2nd time. Did he not learn from the first time? Hoe often do I do exactly what Abraham has done? God shows me he will protect, provide, etc. and when faced with the same situation a second time, I still fail to have faith in what God can and will do.

What must have been going through Isaacs mind as his father laid him on the alter?

Abraham's servant named a specific sing and asked God that it would be done so that he would know the woman God had chosen for Isaac

Rebekah's family recognized the servants story as being part of the Lords will, so they did not reject his offer...

Isaac immediately loved the Woman God had chosen for him and was comforted after his mothers death...

After Sarai died, Abraham took another wife, who bore him more sons...

food has been a struggle for man kind since the beginning of time...Esau felt so hungry he said he'd DIE if Jacob didn't feed him. He was willing to give his birthright away for food. How many times have I said I'm "Starving".... what have I been willing to sacrifice and compromise for food? for less than food? for friendship? acceptance? love? entertainment? All in haste for what I want in the moment?

Jacob makes the same "mistakes" as his Dad... he lies about Rebekah being his sister vs. his wife...

God will bless the children of those who are his servant, who are faithful to him, he blessed Isaac because Abraham was his servant.... "Fort he sake of my servant Abraham"

The wives of Esau "A source of Grief to Isaac and Rebekah"... may my parents NEVER feel that way about my spouse. My I never feel that way about my kids spouse, my my inlaws never feel that way about me...

Why shoould I be so surprised by the complete and utter disfunction of my family? Families have been disfunctional since the beginning.... Adam cast blame on Eve, Cain killed Abel, Ishmael was cast out from his half brother and his fathers house hold, Abraham and Isaac marry relatives and then claim their wives aren't their wives, Jacob tricks his father into blessing him over his brother....

Rebecca: If Jacob takes a wife among these hittite women, my life will not be worth living" Wow...dramatic much? Lol!!!

Day 1: Gen 1- Gen 16 Random thoughts.....

The VERY FIRST eating plan for humanity and all living things: Eat all plants the produce seeds, eat all green plants. Then in Gen 9: God gives us meat to eat.... "The fear and dread of you will fall on all the beasts of the earth, and on all the birds in the sky, on every creature that moves along the ground, and on all the fish in the sea; they are given into your hands.3 Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything."

Why am I so surprised by my own discomfort with my body, why is it so surprising that so many people struggle with body image? Even Adam and Eve were ashamed of their bodies and covered themselves up once they ate of the tree of knowledge. Body image has been a struggle for Men and Women since the MOMENT of the fall.

I've always imagined the loss of a child must bet he WORST kind of loss and my heart breaks for any mother that has lost their child. Eve was the very first mother, and the very first mother to lose a child... Abel, by the very hand of her other child Cain.

Can you imagine just beginning to bear children at 100? What must the aging process have been like? To live over 900 years?!

Kenan: a descendant of Seth with a cool name :0)

Enoch did not die. Enoch did not live almost a millennium. Enoch Walked with God and was no more....

What are nephilim? Why exactly did God se an age cap BEFORE The flood?

WHat is the difference between the "Sons of God" and "Daughters of Humans"

I want to be "found righteous in this Generation" as the Lord found Noah to be in his

In Ch. 8 God says "as long as the earth endures..." What does that mean? The Earth could stop enduring? We can use up our resources and Earth could no longer support humanity? What?

GEn says that from the 3 sons of Noah came all the people that scattered through the whole Earth...

New languages didn't stat at Babel. The started at the sons of Javan from Japheth: Gen 10:4

Gen. 11: The story of Babel.

Ch. 12 beginning of Abram's story... Abram's first mistake: Lying about Sarai being his sister to Egypt's Pharaoh.

Abram accepted nothing from the King of Soddom, so he could accredit any wealth etc. he built on God alone.

Abraham at first believed the Lords promise for an Heir, a child of his own flesh.

I would like God to help me pick out the names of my future children the way he picks out so many names in the bible. I'd also love insight into who those children are going to be... yet I wonder how I would take such infomration, like Hagar got of her son Ishmael. It WASN'T all good!!!!

Creativity....

This year, a new friend showed me how to make tutu's, and in exchange for a massage bought all the materials I needed to make them for my nieces. And... so, I let my creative juices flow, and created costumes for my nieces for halloween this year... for one day, the sweet girls got to be a butterfly and a lady bug. They were so cute and we had lots of fun dressing up!!!

A glimpse of the MOST beautiful wedding!

lonely.

This week has been a hard one.

I'm lonely.

I'm frustrated.

I've a serious lack of motivation.

God doesn't feel near.

Thing aren't happening the way I desperately want them to at work.

My dog is having some... uh hum... digestive issues.

I miss my family.

I miss my friends.

Life just seems HARD, and stagnant.

I'm starting to feel restless.

The thing is my life ISN'T that hard. Really, my day to day struggles are nothing compared to what others are going through, or even what I myself have walked through. But today, just my little plate feels heavy. I think I'm just throwing myself a pity party but, this week, I really wish I had someone special to just talk to, to share life with, to make decisions with, to help pay bills, to encourage me and uplift me. I wish it didn't feel like I was doing it all alone.

Life here in Northern California hasn't slowed down. I'm working anywhere from 40 to 50 hours a week, relishing spending time with my niece on days off, and we (my cousin, her family and myself) all moved, and my Aunt is here for an extended visit. In a couple weeks I head back to Washington for my baby sisters wedding and to visit family. It will have been almost 6 months since I've seen any of them, the longest I have gone.

I'm not sure if I announced if my cousin is pregnant! We consider this wee babe a blessing. He/she will be so loved and I'm excited to yet again be an "Auntie". These last couple days Quin has been feeling the first few flutters of the life that grow inside her.

I'm still looking for a church home. I don't always make it to church, and often work Sunday mornings. THe fun part is that I usually do get to go to church with the teenagers I work for, and that is really cool.

Work has had it's challenges. I use to be assigned the level 14 girls home, they moved me to the level 12 girls home, but lately I've been filling in at the Level 14 boys home. I thought it would be scarier to work with level 14 mental ill adolescent boys, than the girls. I was wrong. I actually really enjoy it, and maybe that is even my strength.

I'm finding it's hard to meet young people. I've made, and already even lost a few friends, just coming to a realization they weren't they kind of people I WANT to be friends with. Through that process, I was reminded why we MUST lean on God in our lives, and no depend on others to fill voids.

I'm refocusing on God, and trying to once again make him the CENTER of my life.

Summer is coming to a close and I can hardly believe that. My other nice comes home from her Dads, who lives across the country, in 2 days and I'm excited to have the sweet girl home.

That's it for now !

At work we enjoy taking the kids to the "horse program" a ranch that rehabilitates horses, and allows our kids to work with them. Since I can't post pics. of the kids, here are some that don't include them...

The newest horse. He's young and has lots of personality. His "scoop" back makes him not show quality so he's been donated. The Ranch has plans to naturally smooth out his back.

Ducks! They're so funny and have no problem sharing the pastures with horses!
Jewel, she's one of my favorites. She is a paint was was neglected and severely malnourished but has put on most of the weight she needs to in order to be considered healthy. SHe has the MOST amazing blue eyes, which I didn't know was possible in horses!!!
Just a pretty shot outside a house of my company....

sunset while camping with the girls.
They have a fun street fair/market in town every Thurs. THis Dog was just funny to see while strolling the Market.
Teaching my niece to swim... she loves water but isn't a fun of being on her back. She can float for about 4-5 seconds though!
This was in the bathroom where we got my cousins ultra sound done. This my friends, is one reason why I choose abstinence until marriage. THe chart shows how many "people" you have been exposed to if your current partner has had the same # of other previous partners as you..... so if you've had just 4 partners, and so has your current partner, you've been exposed to 14 other people...
The girls and I saved this baby gopher (who was missing a foot), from certain death! We called wild life rescue and rehab.
my bride's maid's dress and my "Nieces" flower girl dress
My puppies ears covered in weird sticky plant things. I had to shave her ears because of this, they had never been shaved before and I wanted to CRY!!! She had such soft long curly ears!
I live in the middle of nowhere, seriously, we see deer on a weekly basis, I've seen wild bob cats, heard of mountain lion and bear sighting, have saved a baby gopher, seen wild vultures and quail.. and this my friends is one in a flock of wild turkeys that round around my work.
My friends sweet son Peter and I.
Buggie and I on the 4th of July... blessed to be Free!

I've always wanted to be 24!!!!

AT 9:33 this morning, I turned 24 years old. I don’t know why but, I’ve wanted to be 24 for a long time. Something about 24 seems exciting and special. I just have a feeling this will be a big year for me. Plus, many of the amazing mentoring women I have in my life, I met when they were 24.

This is the first year in quite a few that I can say I am happy to be where I am at. Im happy to be who I am. I’m happy. I know it's because I'm working hard to no longer place my happiness on circumstances. I'm working to daily find Joy that comes only from knowing my Creator. Yet, it is also because circumstances have changed that I feel so good to be alive, and rejoicing that God has given me 24 full years on earth. It's because of the obedience I took this year in following a new and unchartered path. It's because, for me and my family, I took the road less traveled by. And God has blessed my obedience.

This year I am rejoicing in who God made me to be. Today I am remember the scriptures that say
 “


Psalms 139: 13-15 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

This year, I do and will continue to truly embrace this. I am WONDERFULLY made. All my days were ordained for me. These are things I have a hard time believing about myself. I want to embrace them.


And who knows... maybe my 25th year will be the year God shows me Mr. Right for me :0).... I've always said I wanted to get married when I'm 25..... lol. If not, I'm ok with that too. Gods showing me just how special I am on my own.

Make new friends....

Moving to a new place is hard. For 20+ years, I lived in the same town, neighborhood, house. I graduated with people I went to kindergarden with. I had friends, family, neighbors, mentors, etc. who I'd known for all to most of my life. There was always somewhere to go when I was bored, or lonely, or antsy, or anything really. At the same time though, I had come to a point of stagnation. I wasn't meeting new people, or building any more meaningful relationships/friendships. Life was at a standstill. I had good in my life but, I wasn't happy.

So on a whim and a prayer, I packed my car and headed south. I know I know, I've said it before but, it's what I did. I found a job. I started to make acquaintances. Some acquaintances became friends. The first real friend I made is L. She was a co-worker of mine and I can't help but believe that fate brought me to my job just a few weeks before she quit because we were meant to be friends. She's amazing. I ran into L. and her wife T. at a park where I go to read, and relax. When I mentioned not knowing if I was going to have enough gas to make it through the day because I was called into work and couldn't deposit my check in time, these two women, one who barely knew me and one who had never met me, handed me a $10 bill and told me to go get gas. I don't know if either of them realizes how much that meant to me. I walked away from them with tears in my eyes because it had been a long time since someone was so generous to me in that way, and because L. and I had made plans to hike the next day. I had needed someone to spend time with that was not my cousin. I had needed a friend of my own here, and I just had a feeling that she could be a good friend, that she was an answer to my prayers. We began going on walks/hikes together, one night she made me an amazing dinner, and we went to see Iron Man 2 together. Fun times. I regret not taking photos of our small adventures.

Up to this point, it hadn't worked out for me to spend much time with T. and since L. was heading out of state for awhile. I decided to make a point in spending time with T. while L. was gone and for some reason, T. accepted my offer to hang out :0). I'm glad she did. We spent an entire day together, and eventually, several more days. Both these women are amazing people. They are generous and kind, smart and beautiful, and have taught me so much already. They are incredibly respectful of who I am and what I believe and I look forward to getting to know them more. On one of our first adventure, T. took my Kayaking, something I had never done before and found to be rather enjoyable. I would so go again! Here are some photos of that adventure. I look forward to documenting many more adventures with my new friends, and of my life here in a small mountain town of California.

It's easy to get caught up in frustrations and disappointments of your circumstances. Easy to focus what you don't have, and what you want. Way to often I find myself coveting what another has that I don't.

Then, just when I get caught up in self pity, God reminds me that I'm doing pretty good. God reminds me how well he has taken care of me. God shows me where I COULD be....

My nieces make me smile EVERY day! Jae's excitement when I come home, Ashlynn's little voice saying "AAAA Tee", so precious!

I go for long walks, almost every day. The scenery is breathtaking. I live in the mountains. There are LOTS of ravines, lots of trees, lots of ponds and creeks and rivers. Lots of wildlife to hear and see.

I'm making new friends. They make life here easier, they bless me. They are teaching me much about different life styles, different belief systems, and how even if they don't believe like I do, they can still be amazing, loving, generous, quality people.

I'm recreating myself. Who I am and who I want to be are different than who I was 3 months ago, or who I wanted to be.

I'm exhausted but I'm happy. This new life is creating new challenges of it's own, and reminding me of old insecurities I thought I'd conquered but actually have not. It's also showing me that things I thought were major challenges, were actually easily overcome.

I'm starting to miss home. Mostly, my nephew and Joanna's family. I'm also realizing how many of my THINGS I miss. Books, my roller blades, my bed, my bike, my kitchen things... not that those things are particularly important... I just miss them. I miss my neighborhood, just walking around the block I grew up on and have SO many memories.

I'm starting to see HERE as home, and know if I left, I would miss here.

I'm starting to feel like this isn't where I'm meant to be. Like, now that I'm here, so many other options are open to me, and it wouldn't be so scary. Maybe I'm suppose to end up in another city in Ca. close by. Maybe I will move to yet another new state, maybe some other country. I just know that "this is not my home".... yet EARTH isn't my home, so I'm sure I would feel that way ANYwhere I lived.

I'm starting to REALLY wish I would meet someone. THE someone. I'm tired of being single.

I really enjoy my new church. Amazing worship. Amazing people.

My job is a challenge. But I love it.

So many changes....

They Day AFTER Cinco De Mayo

In previous years, I've written about the death anniversary of Andrew, my first boyfriend, my best friend. Yesterday, was 9 years since he was welcomed into heaven. Overall, I miss him on "special occasion" days but I don't feel sad. I remember him with happiness, and a feeling of blessing that I knew him, and I knew him in a way most did not get to know him. This year, I'd planned on going to a meeting at work and then just spending some alone time but, I got asked to stay at work and I was fine with that... at first.

THe shift went good but, I found out the reason I was called in was because a co-worker was in the process of miscarrying. Oh how my heart aches for her loss!

Because working today's shift would have put me in the overtime category, my manager shifted my schedule around, and as I was leaving tonight she informed me I wouldn't be working tomorrow. And on my way home, I kind of lost it. I'd already been thinking about "the day after" and was glad I'd be working. Because "the day after" Andrew died, was harder than the DAY he died.

Now, I face today (the day after) with emptiness. No plans. I'm sure I can do something with my nieces and cousin. I can spend some alone time. But I've really come to realize that while I like to plan to keep the day of busy, it's the day after I make myself busy.

I feel like I"m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm sure this is linked to that fact that I've already been feeling anxious and overwhelmed on my days off if I have no plans. Something about this new life I'm living here in Ca. has me needing to stay very very very busy, or I get anxious. Today, I want to be busy busy busy.

They day of, I didn't get the news until late at night. The day of, it didn't seem real. They day off I cried, and took some medicine and went to sleep. They day after, I woke up to find my nightmare was my reality. The day after I had to go see his family, all at home for the first time in months because he wasn't at the hospital anymore. The day after, I heard "our song" for the first time, the song he picked out for us without me knowing, and wrote down in a journal. The day after, people told me how sorry they were. The day after....

I think some of my strong physical anxiety reaction is a sort of psychological memory of the day after May 5th nine years ago. That day had been all planned out too, and then suddenly, it wasn't. Suddenly it was empty.... Suddenly I was a young teenager who was experiencing her first serious brush with death....

They day of his death, he had still been alive. He was still in the world that day. They day after, was the first day in which he didn't exist in my world. It was the first day of my life that he wouldn't be a part of. It was a different life from the one I had known, and mostly loved. I don't want it to be the day after. And, I don't want the day off of work.

Big Changes... are more to come?

So many emotions, so many thing going on...

My amazing and wonderful friend Alicia got married on Saturday. Last week was so busy with wedding stuff, planning, partying (you know, bachelorette, shower, etc.), and preparing. Not to mention all the primping! Lol! But Saturday dawned bright and beautiful (amazing for March in Western Washington), and the small quaint, expedited wedding came together just beautifully. I bawled. Like a new born babe. I really did NOT think I would but oh my, as soon as she started walking down they aisle the tears just poured. Tears of joy and excitement. I was so happy for her and Johnny. They make an absolutely amazing and wonderful couple. Knowing her background and her story and the beautiful things God has done in her through Johnny, the healing the their relationship has brought etc. made it even more beautiful. I'm so excited for her to break free from bondage and create a new life, with her new little family of two. I won't lie though, some of those tears were of sadness. It was the end of an era in some ways. We were just two single young women with many big dreams not that long ago.... and before that we were two little girls having tea parties, hour long phone conversations, and playing spy on our brothers while playing UNDER the house.... it just made me realize that we really ARE grown up! Oh MY WORD! How did that happen? I must also say though, that I would not have wanted to relinquish her to just anyone and the man that she was given too, he is a good one. Johnny, he brought me and Alicia flowers the first time he met me. He brought her Mom and Sisters flowers when he met them. He has embraced me as a friend and a part of Alicia's life. He loves God. He loves Alicia. He takes care of her, encourages her, is patient with her, loving, honest. I've learned a lot about how I can be loved by someone by watching Alicia. He came to say hello on their wedding day. Myself and another friend of Alicia stayed the night with her the night before so we were there. HE brought all of us bagels and a single yellow flower. He is just thoughtful like that.
Since then it has been a whirlwind. Sunday was filled with packing/cleaning/trying on bridesmaid dress for my little sisters wedding. Monday I woke up early, took my sister to work, my nephew for donuts, swung by my Moms work to drop him off, and headed off to California. I stopped in Oregon to visit the amazing Taly and sweet baby Micah, good friend of mine from college, and her wee babe. Then made the rest of the drive, arriving at my cousins house sometime after 11 p.m. I'm here in the hopes of obtaining a job, in which case I will end up living here (obviously). I'm not even 100% sure it's God will but I feel he is leading me in that direction. So far he has opened a few doors for me. Lots of emotions coming a long with just the idea of living here. It's a big step, one I think I need to take but fear just the same. Living away from the parents, and not having them to rely on so easily. Having people have expectations of me, and actually caring about what they think, not knowing really much of anyone. Probably my greatest fear though, is that if I do end up staying here, I won't change much. I really want to shake up my life, get into a new routine and new experience in the hopes it will bring me out of a sort of funk I've been in since just before my Dad went into remission. I hope and pray this will be of a big help. I fear it won't. I fear I will fall back into old patterns and habits. I guess, I just need to let God be God and quite fretting so much.... Tomorrow is my first interview. I think I will feel much better after it, just having a more clear idea as to if staying here is a possiblity. I can say having my cousins sweet daugther call me Aunty, help me with dishes, and play memory with me, as well as her other daughter reach for me and snuggle with me, has made the desire stronger. They are such precious girls!

When God Answers the questiosn "Why?"

I think everyone has at one time or another asked "Why Lord". Why me, why now, why this, why NOT now, why not that?... and on and on.

I know I wonder why. I wonder why I couldn't have a sister with out disabilities (not that I'd trade the two sisters I do have), why my parents couldn't have a happy marriage, why I couldn't grow up in a Christian home, why the first boy I loved had to have a terminal illness and die at age 15, why I'm not more graceful...

Sometimes, while we don't understand all of the "why", God gives us a glimpse into ONE "why". When my Dad got sick, I often wondered "why" he got cancer.

Then, a couple of months ago an author of a blog I read wrote a post about her recent cancer diagnosis. I felt compelled to write her back with a little of the story of my Dad's cancer. It turns out this woman is battling the same cancer as my Dad, although in different locations, and sharing the story of how my Dad's cancer was found, prompted her to get further testing in a specific area to make sure the cancer wasn't also there.

Her story has just begun, and I don't know why she has cancer. But perhaps one reason "why" my Dad had cancer was so we could share is story, and in so doing encourage others and maybe even save another persons life....

The Men In my life.

On nights like tonight, when I'm tired, I want it to just be quiet, I want to be left alone, not talked to, not asked questions, I don't want to hear anyones voice, I want to watch my shows without interuptions.... it's easy to forget that I love my Dad. It's easy to forget how close I came to not ever hearing his voice again. So while I'm currently frustrated and annoyed, while his voice is grating on my nerves (just being honest here) and I wish he would go to bed (when I'm the one who really should) I'm going to be grateful he is still here.

I'm going to be grateful for all the important men in my life: My Dad. My Brother. My Nephew. I know God ordained each of them for me, for my family.

Post 201... Post surgery...

Thursday surgery went well. I was fine most of the day, so many friends had me covered in prayer. One sweet friend I met IRL and grew close to over blog/facebook, prayed for a specific fear I had and confided in her about. I told my parents to take my nephew to get something to eat while I waited for surgery. I need that hour to myself to pray and seek comfort and peace from the only one who could truly give it. It was good. I look forward to the day I have a spouse/children of my own who will hold hands and bow heads with each other in prayer as any of us faces major events, be it surgery, a test, a big game, a wedding, whatever. But for now, I seek God, for myself, for my family, for my friends, and even complete strangers. He is always faithful to meet me.

Let me just say this: The aid who wheeled me down to pre-op.... was CUTE. To bad he was married :0(. MOre importantly though, he was VERY nice, a complete gentlemen who reassured me, and told me he had had surgeries at this hospital before, I was in good hands.

Nerves went up a bit when they actually wheeled me into pre-op and again as they took me into the operating room. All the staff I met, nurse, anesthesiologist, my surgeon, were all very nice and comforting.Previous surgeries I've been completely asleep before they took me to the operating room. This time I was not. But I only remember being given the anxiety medicine, and seeing HUGE padded stirrups in the operating room. I don't remember moving onto the operating table fromt he gurney, or being given oxygen, or any of that. The next I knew I was waking up in recovery. A sweet older lady, Barbara, was my nurse. I remember feeling a LOT of pain in a specific spot on my left side. She got me pain medicine as soon as I groaned. She gave me pain medicine 2 more times when she saw me just wince, and she gently talked to me, telling me I was doing VERY well. When I was coherent enough, I asked her name and thanked her for the pain medicine, and ice chips she brought when I said my mouth was really dry, which made her smile. There was this old guy next to me going on about American Idol, and was it on that day. I struck up a conversation with him, we chatted about the episodes so far. Before I knew it I was wheeled back up to my room, where I didn't stay long. I went to the bathroom, ate applesauce and drank water a soon as possible. It wasn't long before I was headed home.

I actually had very controlled and minimal pain, and tons of energy that first night, so I even did dishes. The next day I felt great so I called to get a lighter pain killer. I walked a bit with my nephew and did laundry. Saturday I spent the day with my best friend, did a short walk, I went to a store to get dresses (can't wear pants because they push on the incisions) and by Sunday I was regretting all the activity I'd done. I was in a lot of pain. So I began taking the stronger medicine again. Took it super easy Sunday and Today. I'm still pretty uncomfortable and tired of being bored but also know that I NEED to take it easy.

I got a dress I'd looked at a couple months ago and decided against because it was on sale for $30. This time I went ahead and bought it because I loved it and it was only $6.99 Can't beat that!!

The doctor hasn't gone into detail about what they found yet, we will cover that at my post-op appointment but, he did call me and tell me they certainly found endometriosis and they cleaned me all out. Obviously they didn't see anything majorly unexpected like the need to remove an ovary. Thank goodness.

God is good. I thank him for getting me through this and for the knoweldge he has allowed humans to obtain about our bodies so that doctors can fix things when they aren't going right.

Surgery Tomorrow

Z. loves to stick his tongue out, courtesy of me :0). He is joy:


Tomorrow I go in for surgery. Feeling a little apprehensive. To be honest, my biggest fear is that I won't be "asleep" but also won't be able to communicate that I'm feeling everything. Phewf. Never told anyone that before but, it is my biggest fear going into surgery. I know God goes before me and already knows the outcomes so the anxiety isn't overwhelming.

Once I heal I start a new job, nannying for a 7 month old little girl. I'm excited. I love babies, the family seems very nice, and laid back. There priority is babies safety, and then development etc. I hope I set their standards high for any future childcare. I did however have to quite teaching swimming lessons to accomodate surgery and this new job. I will really miss some of my students, and teaching.

No idea what the next several months will bring. I'm scheduled to graduate with my BA in April. This new job is guaranteed Until May. I'm not sure if it will go longer, or if I will decide to pursue a job or career with my degree in hand, or if I will end up on some all new adventure I cannot even fathom.

My best friend got engaged in December. I'm very happy for her. Her fiance is amazing, and I've loved watching their relationship grow. I love how mucht hey honor God and strive to be obedient and live in purity throughout this time in their lives. I know God will bless them for it. Little honesty here though: We always talked about being each others maid of honor. I had looked forward to that for years. When she got engaged, she asked her sister. I'm not angry or anything like that. I get it. I'm so glad she has that relationship with her sister. It made me sad that I do not have that with my sisters, nor do I believe I ever will. It made me sad that we won't share that role for each other. Someday she will without a doubt be my Maid of Honor.... and I will not have been that for her. She has been there my entire life. We are 2 weeks apart, and have grown up together. We have been through a LOT together. I will stand up there with her as a bridesmaid though, and carry in my heart all the hopes, wishes, dreams, emotions, I had before, when I'd imagined being her Maid of Honor. I will support her in this new journey. I will grieve the end of one era of our lives together, as single young women, but hold much joy for this new journey and thanksgiving for the new friend I will have in her new husband. I will remember the day we both got stinging nettle as little girls, and tea parties and new years eve celebrations at her house, and holding each other while one of us weeped because of an injustice, or a fear, or a death. I will imagine that someday we will each have little one's romping our back yards together, hand in hand, spying on their siblings like we did. I will vow to be there for her AND her new husband.


Anyway.... lots of new things coming... new seasons... and I'm sure many new friendships... Perhaps God has a young single woman who need a friend out there.... perhaps by A. getting married, I'm going to open myself up for such a bond as this young woman will need, or many other young women....

Bible reading is going Good. God is good. Sometimes I've not feeling like reading the word but I do, and I read exactly what I needed to hear that day. I love that.

Why I am writing this and NOT doign my schoolwork...

I sit here at my dining room table, attempting to do homework but, am having a really hard time focusing for many reasons. One, my Dad is here. Enough said. Or maybe not. He is being his typical grumpy self, and today it has me on edge more than usual. I really really really wish I had my OWN car, so I could up and leave to some quiet and cute cafe to focus. This day has had a weird schedule so, I didn' t have the time to bike it there. Sometimes, I just want to scream at him. I don't understand how someone can let every little things be the bane of their existence. So you spilled a glass of water, get a towel and wipe it up, no need to curse and rant and rave about how nothing goes right in your life. Seriously! I hate living in a stream of anxiety, frustration and anger. I hate how it rubs off on me. I keep praying for strength, patience and peace.

I'm still waiting to hear back about a nanny position that I really really want. She e-mailed me late last night saying she was still waiting for one of my references to call back and they had narrowed it down to me and one other person. So, we still play the waiting game. On Thursday I meet with a different family. I so want one of these jobs, and I'm feeling like a NEED one of them, to keep myself sane! I'm not so good a the waiting. I keep checking my phone, wondering if I missed a phone call, and checking my e-mail box.... wondering, hoping... and waiting some more.

I'm distracted by searching for dresses and other stuff pertaining to my best friends wedding. We went out looking at flower girl dresses and doing a few other odds and ends. I'm excited for her and all that it brings. I have a better view of what she wants her day to look like and so am more focused on the type of dress I want. Her requirements are only that the dress is black, and about knee length. Awesome.

Reading the bible every day has been incredibly uplifting for me. I have many changes I want to make this year and some I feel I'm not initiating soon enough however, I'm making small changes that are at least influencing my attitude and emotional well being for the positive. I'm trying not to beat myself up for not makeing 100% of the changes over night. Being in Gods word is encouraging and convicting. I should blog more about the things that God is speaking to me about. Some days I walk away with more questions than answers or information. I wonder why a person was written about at all, or why they did what they did, or why God allowed something to happen. Other days, I'm reminded of why I chose purity and abstinence in marriage. Reading through the old testament, I'm more aware of the incredible fall man took, and how much it poisoned each generation. I'm relating to those families in Christs lineage that were equally if not more dysfunctional than mine is. Sometimes I read something and feel that I cannot relate and God tells me I'm not reading if for myself but for another, to speak as a prayer over them, or encourage them through it.

I'm also enjoying a nice snack of pretzels and carrots dipped in hummus. Yum. And slightly worrying about the surgery I recently discovered I will be having a week from tomorrow.

Did God choose my Moon Sign?

One of my goals this year is to read the bible. Every day. Cover to Cover. Last year my Faith in God was strong. Going through a medical crisis with my Dad left me desperately needing to cling to Christ and the Hope we have in him. However, my efforts to deepen my relationship were lacking, especially when it comes to reading and meditating on his word.

I love love love to read, and not a day goes by that I don't pick up a novel and read at least a few chapters. I read in some odd places. I read in bed, on the couch, while taking a walk, while I roller blade around my neighborhood, while I am in the shower. No joke. I love to read. So, my goal this year is the every day, BEFORE I pick up a novel, or even non fiction book, or school book, I first and foremost pick up my Bible. To help me with this, I have two bible I will be reading from daily. The first is a New International 365 day daily reading bible in Chronological order. In this I will start at the beginning and read straight through the entire bible by the end of the year. However, last year I attempted this, got half way through Numbers, and didn't feel like I was getting what I needed from "The Word". I decide to just pick up my "plain ole bible" and read whatever, which quickly led to NOT reading. This year I will also be using the "ONE YEAR BIBLE" in New International Version. This bible has daily readings that all include a few chapters from the O.T. a few from the N.T., a Psalms and a Proverbs. What I plan on doing is using the Chronological book to read from the O.T. (well eventually also the N.T.), and using the One Year to read the daily assigned N.T., Psalms, and Proverbs scriptures. I think this will help me to tread through some of the harder parts of the O.T., having N.T. scripture to read as well.

I'm unsure of how much I will be documenting HERE on this blog. Perhaps all, and perhaps not. We shall see. There was some from yesterdays reading that I did want to share.

A conversation I had years ago with my Cousins wife has stood out in my mind from time to time. It's one that I honestly don't remember all of the details too but I DO know God was directing my words in the conversation. My cousins wife (S.) is into astronomy and astrology. When I visited her for the first time (I was about 15 and also had a strong Christian faith at the time) she started asking me about myself, then asked my birthday. I told her and she said "ahh... that explains it, your a Cancer, a water sign" and she began telling me characteristics of a "Cancer" or a "Water Sign" it sort of freaked me out, yet I was astounded at how accurate her description were. Her and I didn't get along great then and didn't communicate for some time. Then, when I was about 20 or so, I decided it was really important to me to get to know all of my family better, including my cousins out of state. I began talking to them, visiting them etc. S. is really into researching geneology, something I'm fascinated by. So I began talking to her and gathering any info. I could about our family. One evening we got into a conversation about her astrology and astronomy beliefs. She started telling me that everyone has a sign on based on their birthday but you also have a "Moon Sign" based on where the moon was and the alignment of planets etc. on your exact birthday. She looked up my Moon sign and started telling me "I bet you like this" or "I'm guessing you dont' like this" or "Are you this way"... Things I had often thought about myself but never really shared with one, she was telling me. Things that people who had known me my whole life never really notice about me, like my decorating style (if I had a choice on how to decorate a place) or how I like to sleep, or how I interact with people. My goofy cousin starting teasing us, saying I probably thought S. was a witch and was going to burn in Hell. Not so much. I was nervous about all she was telling me but also kind of fascinated. Because it was all so accurate. She didn't believe in online or newspaper horoscopes, she believed that our time of birth helped shape and create who we are. As she was talking I was praying "God protect my heart and mind from evil and things against you, Show my how to express my beliefs in a Non judgemental way, help me relate to her and Love her as you do, help me see her the way you do, guide my conversations with her" and he did. I suddenly heard God say "You were created for Such a time as this" Just like Esther was told as she went to become the Queen to save her people. At that point I decided to be honest with S. I told her that everything she was saying was very interesting and very true, that is resonated with who I know myself to be. I had her put my on speaker phone so my cousin could here too. I told them both I did not think they were evil based on their beliefs and that while I knew what I believed and I knew it to be TRUTH, I was open to HEARING and UNDERSTANDING what other people believe. Then I went on to tell them that if I believed my God was master and creator of the Universe, and he created the stars, moon, sun, and so on, then he certainly had a plan and design for them on the day of my birth. If he created every moment of my life, knit me together in my mothers womb, it's highly possible that he made a design for all things. I KNOW he chose my family for me, he chose my location of birth, the year and culture I'd be born into, he knew who my sibling and cousins etc. would be, so of course he knew how the stars and moon and sun and planets would be aligned on the day of my birth. And perhaps he had me born at a certain time on a certian day during a certain month and year to help create who I am. To me it was like poetry, like a painting all the elements work together to created a beautiful masterpiece yet each element was chosen and placed by the same creator, or artist. This was all well received by them and they gave me props for not being closed minded and for being open to what my cousinb believed. I gave thanks to God for helping me say what I believed, being honest, and guiding what could have been a disasterous conversation, and for opening a door to a relationship I was afraid would never take place.

Yet, I have sometimes wondered if what I said was true. Does it matter where the stars planets etc. were when I was born? Did God put though into it? I must have read Gen. 1 and 2 hundreds of times. This year one part stood out to me in a new way: And God said let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on earth" (Gen. 1:14-19). Of course I knew this... but it just gave me a validation. God created the stars, the moon, the sun, rotations of each, to mark time. If he created them in such a way the their interactions would mark time, then he marked the time that I'd be born. He knit me together in my Mothers womb, he created me for such a time and place as this, and he knew exactly what "moon sign" I would be born under. Ultimately, he created me and placed me where I am, just as he created the stars and sun and moon and placed them, and designed their rotations.