Take a deep breath, blow it out slow, hope no one notices the shutter....

Tonight, I am watching the Oprah episode from earlier this week on the recent mothers who drove drunk, crashed and killed/injured children in their crashes. Oh how heartbreaking it is!

Something the really caught me though was as the mother of one girl who was injured in one of the accidents responded while listening to her daughter recount what being in that car was like moments before the crash.

This Mom took a deep breath, and slowly let it out, while tears welled up in her eyes. You could see her lip tremble and her chest shutter.

My thoughts were "I remember that feeling..." I remember doing that same thing after Andrew died. I remember making that same expression before entering my Dads room at the nursing home when he was so sick. People who have seen tragedy, they know this technique. A way to TRY to calm down, to hold onto some level of control so you don't break down. My heart just goes out to those families.

I don't remember using that control technique before my first tragic experience but now, it seems a default I use when I'm incredible upset. When I'm on the phone with a friend pouring out my heart. When I'm afraid. When a friend or family member of mine is hurting and I empathise with them.

It always amazes me how my experiences will suddenly connect me with another person, with an understanding. I always say I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, or a parent, or any of those things that I haven't experienced. But I know loss. When it's someone you love, it hurts beyond measure, and it changes you forever.

Waiting Anxiously!

Almost a month ago I went for an interview for a full time nanny position that I think would be just perfect for me! The interview went really wall and we set up a two day trial run, so they could see me interact with the child. The trial happened a week and a half after the interview. I felt it went astonishingly well, and was so excited. The family and I interacted well, conversed well, and I just felt comfortable with the family. They e-mailed me that night saying they had interviewed 20 people, done 4 trial runs, and narrowed it down to 2 people, me or one other. THat was on a Friday, and the let us know they'd tell us by early the next week whom they had chosen, and have job details. It's now a week later, and while they have e-mailed us to let us know they are traveling and will let us know their decision soon, they haven't yet let us know who they've chosen. It's SOOOO nerve racking. I know choosing a care giver for your child is a big decision and not lightly done, and I want them to make a decision they are truly comfortable with. I also know that God has a plan for my life and if they DON'T choose me, it will be ok. With that said, I really really really want the positions. I already care for the child, and think it would be a great fit.

Not only that but, I need to know so I can take further actions. If I get the job I will need to buy a car quickly, and I will need to make out a new budget, as well as adjust my current work schedule at my other job. I'd also need to look at housing options closer to the area, among other things. If not, I really need to start applying for other positions because the hours at my current job were cut back a lot.

I know God will take care of me,a nd all my needs. I just really want this position.

I hope they let us know SOON!!!

When it Rains...

Loving on Sweet baby J.J.

My Mom's co-worker is just a few years older than me, and has 4 of the sweetest children. She just had a baby boy a few weeks ago, making her Mommy to 2 sweet boys and 2 precious girls. The baby, I have nicknamed J.J. is just so precious, and is keeping me from baby withdrawal. Here are pictures of cute little J.J. I think he is a very pretty baby!

Texas Round 1

Selena Memorial

A dolphin at Sea World, very close to me, I could almost touch it!

Kiesha and I at The Alamo

The Alamo

Mt. Rainier on my outgoing flight.

A few months ago I decided I needed to get away once things with my Dad panned out. I knew that no matter which way they went, I'd need to get away from EVERYTHING. The Lord knew that too. My sweet friends Kiesha and David, and the Sippel family both live in Texas, and when I expressed my desire to visit both of them, and get a reprieve from my life, they welcomed me with open arms. So, off to Corpus Christi I flew for the first leg of my Texas adventure. 5 days with the Yokers was pure bliss but, not long enough. They spoiled me and took me to all sorts of fun things, First the Sugarland concert, my first ever concernt, San Antonio, touring the Alamo, saw the river walk, went to Sea World, the SELENA memorial, not to mention dinner with some of their amazing friends. Most importantly I got to get to know my sweet friend Kiesha's husband, and spend good quality time with Kiesha.

The Fear manifests in a dream

I had a nightmare last night. I have no idea what brought it on. None of my dreams make complete sense but, often, they have very vivid points.

This dream started out on my wedding day. I was frantically trying to get things done, pick things up, put together all the last minute thing ( I have NO idea who I was marrying!). Nothing was going right and I was on the verge of Panic. The last problem was that I couldn't get my veil. As I was yelling at someone, angry and in despair that my wedding was going to be a total disaster, panicking about time etc., I got a phone call. Nothing could have prepared me for that call. My Mom said my brother was dead. I didn't believe her. I though it was some sort of SICK wedding day joke. I felt nauseated that she'd do something like this. I said it wasn't funny. She said she was serious. Warren had taken a corner to fast on his street bike, and went of the road, down a cliff. I started saying "no no no no".. screaming it, saying it wasn't true and couldn't be true. I started saying maybe it wasn't his bike, maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was a friend riding his bike. My Mom said "No baby, it was him. I went to the crash sight, I held his body. He was almost unrecognizable but, I'd know my son anywhere. Oh Sweetie, I wish it wasn't true but, Warren is gone".

How I wish the dream ended there. It went on, and I experienced every emotion and reaction I could imagine experiencing if I'd truly lost my on brother, my baby brother. I was nauseated, scared, lost, confused, dizzy... and so on. I denied it. I wanted to see the bike, see his body, but mostly, I wanted to see him...ONE...LAST...TIME. My silly, obnoxious, loving, teasing, bratty, busy, hardworking, baby brother couldn't be gone. He just couldn't be. Obviously, my wedding was off.

Suddenly, my little sister and I were going to school. It was our first day back after my brothers accident. It was too soon. I don't know why we went. Everyone bombarded us with questions. I was nauseated again. Where was my brother? He was suppose to be there, at school, with us. What these kids were asking, saying couldn't be true. He was at home sick. He was on an extended vacation, off with some friends. He slept in late. He wasn't dead. Why were the teachers asking me how I was doing? I was fine, of course, it was just another day at school. No it wasn't. It was a day at school without my brother in my life. My only brother. Oh God, I don't have a brother anymore. The day couldn't get worse. And then, it did. A gunman shoots the ceiling (I know why this happened, a mirror fell of the wall of the room I was sleeping in and I incorporated the sound into my dream) and then he begins chasing us around the school, herding students this way and that way, hundreds of students pouring into halls. Somehow the gunman is stopped and we are all safe. I'm worried for my sister. Where is she. We need to leave, this is insane. She isn't safe here. I can't lose her too. I find her, we run to the office, demand to be let out (the school is still locked down). They say we need parent permission. I scream we do not. I'm falling apart, sobbing hysterically. So is my sister. I'm holding her. My friend from school (a real life friend I met at college) is there, she comes up and gives me a hug. She doesn't say a word. She has one brother, her baby brother. I know she can empathize with me. She is the only one not to say a word, not to say "she's sorry"... just hug me. I calm down, take my sister to a way I know out of the school. We start walking home as I try to call my Dad on his cell phone to come get us. We take a weird path, there is garbage on the trail, below the street. I see two things I once took out of my car and put on the side of the road, to come back for later, and had forgotten about. I make a mental not to come back for it this time, not to forte. But, I doubt I will remember. I lift my sister up onto the road. Then I pull her back down. AFraid it's not safe. I hold her and sob into her hair....

and then I wake up.
I've lost people I love. All the emotions were the same, only intensified. I though I was going to lose my Dad. But, my brother. He thinks he is invincible. I think he is too. I know he's not but, he's so young, strong, healthy. I wouldn't lose him. But I could. Tomorrow he could be gone. It happened to a friend of mine. Her little brother drowned. HE knew how to swim. I don't know if I could handle this. Losing my brother, losing a sibling. I hope I don't have to find out, at least not for a LONG LONG LONG time.

Have I ever told you.....

That I have the SWEETEST puppy in the world!?