Venting

My Dad joined face book. I guess that means I need to be a little more careful about what I say there. Not because I say things particularly BAD but, I know I've occasionally said things he might take the wrong way, assume are about him, or some such. Or, thing that I just really wouldn't want to share with my Dad. I know facebook is a very public venue, and so is a blog. I guess I didn't mind sharing some things on facebook because I have amazing friends who were always so encouraging. Plus, with my parents and siblings not being facebookers and bloggers, it was like my own personal little world, and escape so to speak. I still have my blog.

With that said, I was rather hurt by my Dads actions today. Monday I cleaned the entire house (ok, the main living areas, bathroom, kitchen living room). I did dishes, vacuumed, mopped, swept, DEEP cleaned the bathroom including cleaning the mirror/toilet/scouring the tub, picked up the living room, folded laundry... then I got really busy with school and work, and I HOPED that since I had done SO much house work by myself on Monday Dad or brother would help me out with dishes this week. Well, it's Friday, and the dishes hadn't been done since Monday. DISGUSTING. The sink was starting to smell. So, I did all the dishes, the dish washer was CRAMMED full of dishes, so I washed a bunch by hand. One thing I HATE to do when doing dishes is rinsing the silverware (in my house everything is scrubbed free of food before it goes in the dishwasher, my Dad believes the dishwasher is only meant to sanitize dishes, not really clean them), I asked my Dad if he would please wash the silverware before I started the dishwasher since I had washed so many dishes as well as cleaned up the rest of the kitchen. He didn't say a thing but, he did give me a nasty look. Instead, he closed the dish washer, and went to bed.

I just wish that my work was appreciated and that I could get a LITTLE help every once in a while....

Tobias

My good friend J. had a baby Saturday. Sweet Tobias Samuel. His arrive was much anticipated. I knew I'd love him when she told me she was carrying him, I started FEELING that love when I felt him move while giving her a pregnancy massage and I was head over heals the first time I looked into his precious little face. This is boy # 4 for this family, and they named him Tobias because it means "GOd is Good" (well, and they liked the name) see, they all were hoping and anticipating for a baby girl, especially their only daughter. When they found out it was a boy, and came across the name, they knew that God is good, all the time, and he has big plans for this 4th baby boy. There is a reason he chose this family to raise this special boy.

I've been babysitting for this family for 11 years! Their family had a 3 month old son when they moved in next door. He is 11 years old now, and they now have 5 children. I still babysitt for them and love them all. I had the priveledge of watching the other four children while baby Toby made his Debut! It was a busy, special, fun time!

The boring season

I know the bible says their is a time a season for everything, a time to morn and a time to dance, a time for joy and a time for sorrow, a time to plant and a time for uproot, and all that. I didn't know there was a boring season. That's where I am at. I'm bored. I live at home with my Dad and little brother, I'm going to school online, working only 10 hours a week, and not much more. Some might call it a season of rest. I think it's the winding down of my season as a student. I hope it's the beginning of the permanent ending to my residing in my fathers home. I need it to be the opening season of drawing closer to God and going deeper with my faith. I anticipate the next few years bringing big changes, and exciting seasons, stepping out on my own as an independent young adult, becoming a career woman, falling in love, parenthood.
But, I don't know what to do with myself for the next few months. For 6 more months I must wade through THIS season. I've been in seasons that aren't busy but, I've never been in a season that is relatively safe and free of major stresses. I just don't know how to live like this. When I moved home I thought it would be a bit of an easy season, and then my Dad got sick. Now that he is 6 months into remission and rehabilitating well, I'm able to breathe easier. Family life is still dysfunctional but, we have settled into a new sort of normal for all of us. While I have minimal hours at work which poses some financial worries, it's a relatively easy job for me, which I absolutely love.
I feel a little lonely this holiday season, I must admit. No because I'm single but simply because most of my friends are in such different seasons, and I'm just not very connected with many of them, and I also don't have a car, which makes things hard in the social interaction department.
The odd thing is that in this season I feel very lazy, and unmotivated. I know this COULD be a busy season if I wanted it too be. I could be heavily involved in ministry, in volunteer work, in organizing/cleaning/rearranging our house, losing weight, and much more. Part of me really wants that but, I just can't seem to bring myself to take those first steps. Part of me doesn't want any of that, and feels guilty for wanting to selfishly indulge in laziness. I often feel like in this season I am apathetic about life.
I also feel like I am the only one in this season. I feel like other young women in my life are doing so much more with their lives, and I feel jealous, and guilty, and wonder if I will have make a difference in someone's life. I wonder if I will ever be warrior for Christ. Will I lead someone to a relationship in Christ? Will I comfort a hurting soul? Will I ever love with all my heart? Will I gain self control over my body, with food, actions, exercise?
I think I'm finally starting to realize the problem with all this though... the problem is "I" Will "I" or "I" feel.... maybe this season is MEANT to be. Maybe I can full embrace the finishing of my education, and the sleeping in a twin sized bed, and walking my childhood neighborhood. Maybe I need to rejoice in the extra time I get to spend with my sweet nephew which will be cut dramatically short when I begin a full time job, the extra afternoon naps that won't exist when I'm a mother of small children, and the ability make plans with out checking in with a significant first. But most of all, I DO need to draw into God more. It's so easy to let him just be a statement rather than a Savior, and an active part of life when things are easy and slow. My morals are the same, my claim of Christianity isn't a problem but, actively seeking Him, showing my love for Him, making Him a priority, isn't. Why is it that he is so easily dismissed in the absence of Crisis or greatness in my life? How do I change that? How do I become less talk and more action?

Our little Monkey

I have conflicted feelings about Halloween, so I usually don't do much. This year I managed to come down sick on Halloween, so I was perfectly content to sleep it through. All conflicted thoughts aside though, it was a joy to watch my nephew have fun playing with the goo of pumpkin insides, be fascinated by the carvings lit up with candles, and see him get a kick out of wearing his Monkey costume. The day Z. was born he made the cutest sounds, that were similar to those a baby monkey makes. So, we all call him Monkey. This year he had the cutest monkey costume!

Pumpkin pictures coming soon.

I love my Siblings!

Another young woman whose blog I visit wrote an amazing and beautiful post about her many siblings. I was inspired to write a similar blog about mine.


Jeana Marie - 29 - My Older sister.
I call her my older sister and not my big sister because she is about 3-4 inches shorter than I am (I think she exaggerates on her height!!!). She is so cute and petite (about 115pds, and 5ft even). We look ALMOST nothing alike. Even though it doesn't matter a lick with how I feel about her, she has a different dad. She is still my WHOLE sister. I don't believe in "half" sisters. We are about 2 months shy of 6 years apart. Jeana has red hair, and the most gorgeous hazel/green eyes. She has a lot of freckles, which she hates and I adore. Jeana and I were very close when I was very tiny. Sadly, the relationship has been rocky for a long time. Even though we had a rough childhood relationship, I have always looked up to her and admired her. She works so hard at everything, and most things don't come easy to her. She knows her limits and isn't afraid to admit it when she has reached one. When we were little, I would sneak into her room to admire her scrunchies and look at her button collection. It drove her nuts but, I just wanted to be like her. Even though she chose not to walk with Christ, she is the reason I began to go to church and got really involved. She'd got to a Wednesday night youth group. Since I wanted to be like her, I'd go to Missionettes at the same church. When I went away to college, I felt God prompt me to work on my relationship with her. It was tediously slow, beginning with me calling her on her birthday, or a holiday, and eventually just to say hello and I loved her. Then inviting her to movies... it took 2.5 year before she ever called me back, it was on my birthday. Now, we chit chat, we get along better (not perfect, we ARE sisters)..., we respect each other. I love her.




Shannon Lee - my little sister - barely
Shannon was born just 15 months after me! She was an average sized baby but, is a pint sized adult, and just shy of 100pds, and 4ft. 9 1/2 inches. My grandfather by adoption is 75% Native American. Since we aren't his biological grandkids, he didn't expect us to look Native. But Shannon came out with dark skin, and a FULL head of the silkiest blackest hair that stood straight up, and she was BORN with deep brown eyes. She had full cheeks, and looked all around Native. My great grandma called Shannon her little "papoose" baby. Shannon suffered an extreme case of RSV at 5 months old. While she was in the hospital, my Mom miscarried a little boy, and we came SO close to losing Shannon. We aren't sure if that illness was the cause of it but, Shannon has cerebral palsy. When she was 9 months old, she was diagnosed. We were told she would never walk, talk, or progress mentally past that of a 6 month old baby. Our tiny, shy, quiet baby was a fighter though. She beat all those odds. She started walking at almost 4 yrs., talking at 5 yrs, became a great swimmer, even competed, an avid cartoonist, and just an amazing person. She has overcome so much. She works hard at everything she does. She won't give up, and wants to prove anyone who puts limits on her, WRONG! She is as stubborn as I am. We shared a room for many years, she was always so clean, and a good saver, of money, candy, whatever. I was a bit jealous of that. We were always close. I wanted to protect her and help her in any way I could. For a long time, we both shared a very close relationship with Christ, and she taught me so much about compassion for others. She is an amazing Mom to her blue eyed 2 year old baby boy. When we were little, we'd spread out our barbies in the play room, right next to our wood stove, and play for HOURS. Both of us had to have a Mom, Dad, baby, toddler, horse, cat, dog, and several older kids. We'd put on balls that they would go too, and parties. We made a mess. She was so into her baby dolls that she would pack a diaper back for them, bring them to my Mom, and leave them for Mom to babysit while she was at school. She would count the diapers so she'd know if my Mom changed her babies diapers or not!!! I miss living with her. I miss brushing her hair, and scratching her back. I miss our long talks. Most of all, I miss sharing Christ with her. I'm still fiercely protective of her. I'm so proud of my pint sized sister. Because of Shannon's cerebral palsy, I was exposed to a lot of kids with special needs. Because God gave me her, I didn't grow up fearing persons who were "different". I grew to love them. We were "lucky" that she developed so much, you could say, but even she had never walked or talked, I'd have loved her just the same.




Warren Dean- 20 - baby brother
Warren is 1 month shy of 3 years younger than me. We had the same due date but he was 2 weeks early and I was 2 weeks late. Warren's nick name is Crasher because he was born due to a car accident that threw my Mom into labor. That saved his life because his cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times and was choking him. The doctors said if he hadn't been born early, he'd have died in utero. God knew losing two baby boys would have been too much for my Mom. Warren is SO full of energy, even now. He runs around and can't sit still for anything. He gets a kick out of teasing and aggravating. It can be so annoying but then he gives you this special grin he has, with a twinkle in his eye, and you can't help but get over being cross with him. He is taller than me, and my Dad. He is the epitome of a boy. Even though he can be a turd, he has a sensitive heart. When I was in a car accident, I was upset, I was worried of what my Dad would say, I knew my Dad would be angry. My brother got word from my Mom and came to the site of the accident, He hugged me and whispered in my ear to ignore dad, that if he said anything mean, it wasn't true. That night, he told me to sleep in his tempur-pedic bed so I wouldn't wake up sore. He is silly and funny. He is very good at fixing things and being hands on. He doesn't realize how smart he is and has yet to tap into his potential. Warren is amazing with kids. I don't know a kid that doesn't love him. Even though I'm his big sister, he tells me that I can't get married until I'm 30. He's protective of me. When he was little we called him Warrnen Dean, yes, I added an extra "n" on purpose.





Alicia Nicole - the sister I chose - 23.
I'm adding my best friend because she deserves it. Our Moms were best friends for years. They (unintentionally) got pregnant at the same time. Alicia and I are 15 days apart. We've been best friends since the beginning. Alicia has been there through everything. Our parents would ground us from reading because it was the only thing that worked for us. We would call each other and read books to each other over the phone! When we were about 6, I kicked at a patch of grass for a ball and got covered in stinging nettle. Alicia thought she'd just reach in and get the ball with her hand.... 2 minutes later she followed me into the house in tears too. She has been the constant Christ lover in my life. When Andrew died, she made her mom make the 1 hr. drive at midnight to my house so she could sleep in my bed with me and just hold me. She isn't an animal lover but, she humors me by always petting my dog when she comes over. She always lets me pick movies, even though she knows I will pick a girly romance movie and she isn't a big fan ( I don't always, and often I insist she chooses!). Her house was the first one I stayed over night at. We would play capture the flag, cops and robbers, have tea parties, and play with lincoln logs. I was always jealous that she was home-schooled. Her dedication to her family is amazing. She is so strong and has overcome so much strife in her life. I'm amazed by the person she has become. She has blossomed into such a lovely woman. I'm so blessed to have had her around since I was born. I hope she is always around. I pray that we can raise children together, and that we are friends for 100 years. God knew that both my sisters would have disabilities. He knew that I was going to be both devoted to Him, and that I would be intellectual. He knew I'd need a "sister" I could relate to on so many levels, but especially an academic level. He gave me Alicia. Because I have Alicia, I'm better able to love my sister the way they are.

Take a deep breath, blow it out slow, hope no one notices the shutter....

Tonight, I am watching the Oprah episode from earlier this week on the recent mothers who drove drunk, crashed and killed/injured children in their crashes. Oh how heartbreaking it is!

Something the really caught me though was as the mother of one girl who was injured in one of the accidents responded while listening to her daughter recount what being in that car was like moments before the crash.

This Mom took a deep breath, and slowly let it out, while tears welled up in her eyes. You could see her lip tremble and her chest shutter.

My thoughts were "I remember that feeling..." I remember doing that same thing after Andrew died. I remember making that same expression before entering my Dads room at the nursing home when he was so sick. People who have seen tragedy, they know this technique. A way to TRY to calm down, to hold onto some level of control so you don't break down. My heart just goes out to those families.

I don't remember using that control technique before my first tragic experience but now, it seems a default I use when I'm incredible upset. When I'm on the phone with a friend pouring out my heart. When I'm afraid. When a friend or family member of mine is hurting and I empathise with them.

It always amazes me how my experiences will suddenly connect me with another person, with an understanding. I always say I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, or a parent, or any of those things that I haven't experienced. But I know loss. When it's someone you love, it hurts beyond measure, and it changes you forever.

Waiting Anxiously!

Almost a month ago I went for an interview for a full time nanny position that I think would be just perfect for me! The interview went really wall and we set up a two day trial run, so they could see me interact with the child. The trial happened a week and a half after the interview. I felt it went astonishingly well, and was so excited. The family and I interacted well, conversed well, and I just felt comfortable with the family. They e-mailed me that night saying they had interviewed 20 people, done 4 trial runs, and narrowed it down to 2 people, me or one other. THat was on a Friday, and the let us know they'd tell us by early the next week whom they had chosen, and have job details. It's now a week later, and while they have e-mailed us to let us know they are traveling and will let us know their decision soon, they haven't yet let us know who they've chosen. It's SOOOO nerve racking. I know choosing a care giver for your child is a big decision and not lightly done, and I want them to make a decision they are truly comfortable with. I also know that God has a plan for my life and if they DON'T choose me, it will be ok. With that said, I really really really want the positions. I already care for the child, and think it would be a great fit.

Not only that but, I need to know so I can take further actions. If I get the job I will need to buy a car quickly, and I will need to make out a new budget, as well as adjust my current work schedule at my other job. I'd also need to look at housing options closer to the area, among other things. If not, I really need to start applying for other positions because the hours at my current job were cut back a lot.

I know God will take care of me,a nd all my needs. I just really want this position.

I hope they let us know SOON!!!