When God Answers the questiosn "Why?"

I think everyone has at one time or another asked "Why Lord". Why me, why now, why this, why NOT now, why not that?... and on and on.

I know I wonder why. I wonder why I couldn't have a sister with out disabilities (not that I'd trade the two sisters I do have), why my parents couldn't have a happy marriage, why I couldn't grow up in a Christian home, why the first boy I loved had to have a terminal illness and die at age 15, why I'm not more graceful...

Sometimes, while we don't understand all of the "why", God gives us a glimpse into ONE "why". When my Dad got sick, I often wondered "why" he got cancer.

Then, a couple of months ago an author of a blog I read wrote a post about her recent cancer diagnosis. I felt compelled to write her back with a little of the story of my Dad's cancer. It turns out this woman is battling the same cancer as my Dad, although in different locations, and sharing the story of how my Dad's cancer was found, prompted her to get further testing in a specific area to make sure the cancer wasn't also there.

Her story has just begun, and I don't know why she has cancer. But perhaps one reason "why" my Dad had cancer was so we could share is story, and in so doing encourage others and maybe even save another persons life....

The Men In my life.

On nights like tonight, when I'm tired, I want it to just be quiet, I want to be left alone, not talked to, not asked questions, I don't want to hear anyones voice, I want to watch my shows without interuptions.... it's easy to forget that I love my Dad. It's easy to forget how close I came to not ever hearing his voice again. So while I'm currently frustrated and annoyed, while his voice is grating on my nerves (just being honest here) and I wish he would go to bed (when I'm the one who really should) I'm going to be grateful he is still here.

I'm going to be grateful for all the important men in my life: My Dad. My Brother. My Nephew. I know God ordained each of them for me, for my family.

Post 201... Post surgery...

Thursday surgery went well. I was fine most of the day, so many friends had me covered in prayer. One sweet friend I met IRL and grew close to over blog/facebook, prayed for a specific fear I had and confided in her about. I told my parents to take my nephew to get something to eat while I waited for surgery. I need that hour to myself to pray and seek comfort and peace from the only one who could truly give it. It was good. I look forward to the day I have a spouse/children of my own who will hold hands and bow heads with each other in prayer as any of us faces major events, be it surgery, a test, a big game, a wedding, whatever. But for now, I seek God, for myself, for my family, for my friends, and even complete strangers. He is always faithful to meet me.

Let me just say this: The aid who wheeled me down to pre-op.... was CUTE. To bad he was married :0(. MOre importantly though, he was VERY nice, a complete gentlemen who reassured me, and told me he had had surgeries at this hospital before, I was in good hands.

Nerves went up a bit when they actually wheeled me into pre-op and again as they took me into the operating room. All the staff I met, nurse, anesthesiologist, my surgeon, were all very nice and comforting.Previous surgeries I've been completely asleep before they took me to the operating room. This time I was not. But I only remember being given the anxiety medicine, and seeing HUGE padded stirrups in the operating room. I don't remember moving onto the operating table fromt he gurney, or being given oxygen, or any of that. The next I knew I was waking up in recovery. A sweet older lady, Barbara, was my nurse. I remember feeling a LOT of pain in a specific spot on my left side. She got me pain medicine as soon as I groaned. She gave me pain medicine 2 more times when she saw me just wince, and she gently talked to me, telling me I was doing VERY well. When I was coherent enough, I asked her name and thanked her for the pain medicine, and ice chips she brought when I said my mouth was really dry, which made her smile. There was this old guy next to me going on about American Idol, and was it on that day. I struck up a conversation with him, we chatted about the episodes so far. Before I knew it I was wheeled back up to my room, where I didn't stay long. I went to the bathroom, ate applesauce and drank water a soon as possible. It wasn't long before I was headed home.

I actually had very controlled and minimal pain, and tons of energy that first night, so I even did dishes. The next day I felt great so I called to get a lighter pain killer. I walked a bit with my nephew and did laundry. Saturday I spent the day with my best friend, did a short walk, I went to a store to get dresses (can't wear pants because they push on the incisions) and by Sunday I was regretting all the activity I'd done. I was in a lot of pain. So I began taking the stronger medicine again. Took it super easy Sunday and Today. I'm still pretty uncomfortable and tired of being bored but also know that I NEED to take it easy.

I got a dress I'd looked at a couple months ago and decided against because it was on sale for $30. This time I went ahead and bought it because I loved it and it was only $6.99 Can't beat that!!

The doctor hasn't gone into detail about what they found yet, we will cover that at my post-op appointment but, he did call me and tell me they certainly found endometriosis and they cleaned me all out. Obviously they didn't see anything majorly unexpected like the need to remove an ovary. Thank goodness.

God is good. I thank him for getting me through this and for the knoweldge he has allowed humans to obtain about our bodies so that doctors can fix things when they aren't going right.

Surgery Tomorrow

Z. loves to stick his tongue out, courtesy of me :0). He is joy:


Tomorrow I go in for surgery. Feeling a little apprehensive. To be honest, my biggest fear is that I won't be "asleep" but also won't be able to communicate that I'm feeling everything. Phewf. Never told anyone that before but, it is my biggest fear going into surgery. I know God goes before me and already knows the outcomes so the anxiety isn't overwhelming.

Once I heal I start a new job, nannying for a 7 month old little girl. I'm excited. I love babies, the family seems very nice, and laid back. There priority is babies safety, and then development etc. I hope I set their standards high for any future childcare. I did however have to quite teaching swimming lessons to accomodate surgery and this new job. I will really miss some of my students, and teaching.

No idea what the next several months will bring. I'm scheduled to graduate with my BA in April. This new job is guaranteed Until May. I'm not sure if it will go longer, or if I will decide to pursue a job or career with my degree in hand, or if I will end up on some all new adventure I cannot even fathom.

My best friend got engaged in December. I'm very happy for her. Her fiance is amazing, and I've loved watching their relationship grow. I love how mucht hey honor God and strive to be obedient and live in purity throughout this time in their lives. I know God will bless them for it. Little honesty here though: We always talked about being each others maid of honor. I had looked forward to that for years. When she got engaged, she asked her sister. I'm not angry or anything like that. I get it. I'm so glad she has that relationship with her sister. It made me sad that I do not have that with my sisters, nor do I believe I ever will. It made me sad that we won't share that role for each other. Someday she will without a doubt be my Maid of Honor.... and I will not have been that for her. She has been there my entire life. We are 2 weeks apart, and have grown up together. We have been through a LOT together. I will stand up there with her as a bridesmaid though, and carry in my heart all the hopes, wishes, dreams, emotions, I had before, when I'd imagined being her Maid of Honor. I will support her in this new journey. I will grieve the end of one era of our lives together, as single young women, but hold much joy for this new journey and thanksgiving for the new friend I will have in her new husband. I will remember the day we both got stinging nettle as little girls, and tea parties and new years eve celebrations at her house, and holding each other while one of us weeped because of an injustice, or a fear, or a death. I will imagine that someday we will each have little one's romping our back yards together, hand in hand, spying on their siblings like we did. I will vow to be there for her AND her new husband.


Anyway.... lots of new things coming... new seasons... and I'm sure many new friendships... Perhaps God has a young single woman who need a friend out there.... perhaps by A. getting married, I'm going to open myself up for such a bond as this young woman will need, or many other young women....

Bible reading is going Good. God is good. Sometimes I've not feeling like reading the word but I do, and I read exactly what I needed to hear that day. I love that.

Why I am writing this and NOT doign my schoolwork...

I sit here at my dining room table, attempting to do homework but, am having a really hard time focusing for many reasons. One, my Dad is here. Enough said. Or maybe not. He is being his typical grumpy self, and today it has me on edge more than usual. I really really really wish I had my OWN car, so I could up and leave to some quiet and cute cafe to focus. This day has had a weird schedule so, I didn' t have the time to bike it there. Sometimes, I just want to scream at him. I don't understand how someone can let every little things be the bane of their existence. So you spilled a glass of water, get a towel and wipe it up, no need to curse and rant and rave about how nothing goes right in your life. Seriously! I hate living in a stream of anxiety, frustration and anger. I hate how it rubs off on me. I keep praying for strength, patience and peace.

I'm still waiting to hear back about a nanny position that I really really want. She e-mailed me late last night saying she was still waiting for one of my references to call back and they had narrowed it down to me and one other person. So, we still play the waiting game. On Thursday I meet with a different family. I so want one of these jobs, and I'm feeling like a NEED one of them, to keep myself sane! I'm not so good a the waiting. I keep checking my phone, wondering if I missed a phone call, and checking my e-mail box.... wondering, hoping... and waiting some more.

I'm distracted by searching for dresses and other stuff pertaining to my best friends wedding. We went out looking at flower girl dresses and doing a few other odds and ends. I'm excited for her and all that it brings. I have a better view of what she wants her day to look like and so am more focused on the type of dress I want. Her requirements are only that the dress is black, and about knee length. Awesome.

Reading the bible every day has been incredibly uplifting for me. I have many changes I want to make this year and some I feel I'm not initiating soon enough however, I'm making small changes that are at least influencing my attitude and emotional well being for the positive. I'm trying not to beat myself up for not makeing 100% of the changes over night. Being in Gods word is encouraging and convicting. I should blog more about the things that God is speaking to me about. Some days I walk away with more questions than answers or information. I wonder why a person was written about at all, or why they did what they did, or why God allowed something to happen. Other days, I'm reminded of why I chose purity and abstinence in marriage. Reading through the old testament, I'm more aware of the incredible fall man took, and how much it poisoned each generation. I'm relating to those families in Christs lineage that were equally if not more dysfunctional than mine is. Sometimes I read something and feel that I cannot relate and God tells me I'm not reading if for myself but for another, to speak as a prayer over them, or encourage them through it.

I'm also enjoying a nice snack of pretzels and carrots dipped in hummus. Yum. And slightly worrying about the surgery I recently discovered I will be having a week from tomorrow.

Did God choose my Moon Sign?

One of my goals this year is to read the bible. Every day. Cover to Cover. Last year my Faith in God was strong. Going through a medical crisis with my Dad left me desperately needing to cling to Christ and the Hope we have in him. However, my efforts to deepen my relationship were lacking, especially when it comes to reading and meditating on his word.

I love love love to read, and not a day goes by that I don't pick up a novel and read at least a few chapters. I read in some odd places. I read in bed, on the couch, while taking a walk, while I roller blade around my neighborhood, while I am in the shower. No joke. I love to read. So, my goal this year is the every day, BEFORE I pick up a novel, or even non fiction book, or school book, I first and foremost pick up my Bible. To help me with this, I have two bible I will be reading from daily. The first is a New International 365 day daily reading bible in Chronological order. In this I will start at the beginning and read straight through the entire bible by the end of the year. However, last year I attempted this, got half way through Numbers, and didn't feel like I was getting what I needed from "The Word". I decide to just pick up my "plain ole bible" and read whatever, which quickly led to NOT reading. This year I will also be using the "ONE YEAR BIBLE" in New International Version. This bible has daily readings that all include a few chapters from the O.T. a few from the N.T., a Psalms and a Proverbs. What I plan on doing is using the Chronological book to read from the O.T. (well eventually also the N.T.), and using the One Year to read the daily assigned N.T., Psalms, and Proverbs scriptures. I think this will help me to tread through some of the harder parts of the O.T., having N.T. scripture to read as well.

I'm unsure of how much I will be documenting HERE on this blog. Perhaps all, and perhaps not. We shall see. There was some from yesterdays reading that I did want to share.

A conversation I had years ago with my Cousins wife has stood out in my mind from time to time. It's one that I honestly don't remember all of the details too but I DO know God was directing my words in the conversation. My cousins wife (S.) is into astronomy and astrology. When I visited her for the first time (I was about 15 and also had a strong Christian faith at the time) she started asking me about myself, then asked my birthday. I told her and she said "ahh... that explains it, your a Cancer, a water sign" and she began telling me characteristics of a "Cancer" or a "Water Sign" it sort of freaked me out, yet I was astounded at how accurate her description were. Her and I didn't get along great then and didn't communicate for some time. Then, when I was about 20 or so, I decided it was really important to me to get to know all of my family better, including my cousins out of state. I began talking to them, visiting them etc. S. is really into researching geneology, something I'm fascinated by. So I began talking to her and gathering any info. I could about our family. One evening we got into a conversation about her astrology and astronomy beliefs. She started telling me that everyone has a sign on based on their birthday but you also have a "Moon Sign" based on where the moon was and the alignment of planets etc. on your exact birthday. She looked up my Moon sign and started telling me "I bet you like this" or "I'm guessing you dont' like this" or "Are you this way"... Things I had often thought about myself but never really shared with one, she was telling me. Things that people who had known me my whole life never really notice about me, like my decorating style (if I had a choice on how to decorate a place) or how I like to sleep, or how I interact with people. My goofy cousin starting teasing us, saying I probably thought S. was a witch and was going to burn in Hell. Not so much. I was nervous about all she was telling me but also kind of fascinated. Because it was all so accurate. She didn't believe in online or newspaper horoscopes, she believed that our time of birth helped shape and create who we are. As she was talking I was praying "God protect my heart and mind from evil and things against you, Show my how to express my beliefs in a Non judgemental way, help me relate to her and Love her as you do, help me see her the way you do, guide my conversations with her" and he did. I suddenly heard God say "You were created for Such a time as this" Just like Esther was told as she went to become the Queen to save her people. At that point I decided to be honest with S. I told her that everything she was saying was very interesting and very true, that is resonated with who I know myself to be. I had her put my on speaker phone so my cousin could here too. I told them both I did not think they were evil based on their beliefs and that while I knew what I believed and I knew it to be TRUTH, I was open to HEARING and UNDERSTANDING what other people believe. Then I went on to tell them that if I believed my God was master and creator of the Universe, and he created the stars, moon, sun, and so on, then he certainly had a plan and design for them on the day of my birth. If he created every moment of my life, knit me together in my mothers womb, it's highly possible that he made a design for all things. I KNOW he chose my family for me, he chose my location of birth, the year and culture I'd be born into, he knew who my sibling and cousins etc. would be, so of course he knew how the stars and moon and sun and planets would be aligned on the day of my birth. And perhaps he had me born at a certain time on a certian day during a certain month and year to help create who I am. To me it was like poetry, like a painting all the elements work together to created a beautiful masterpiece yet each element was chosen and placed by the same creator, or artist. This was all well received by them and they gave me props for not being closed minded and for being open to what my cousinb believed. I gave thanks to God for helping me say what I believed, being honest, and guiding what could have been a disasterous conversation, and for opening a door to a relationship I was afraid would never take place.

Yet, I have sometimes wondered if what I said was true. Does it matter where the stars planets etc. were when I was born? Did God put though into it? I must have read Gen. 1 and 2 hundreds of times. This year one part stood out to me in a new way: And God said let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on earth" (Gen. 1:14-19). Of course I knew this... but it just gave me a validation. God created the stars, the moon, the sun, rotations of each, to mark time. If he created them in such a way the their interactions would mark time, then he marked the time that I'd be born. He knit me together in my Mothers womb, he created me for such a time and place as this, and he knew exactly what "moon sign" I would be born under. Ultimately, he created me and placed me where I am, just as he created the stars and sun and moon and placed them, and designed their rotations.

A new kind of Christmas

Growing up we were spoiled for Christmas. My parents always went over the top, my grandparents spent equally as much, and well, it was kind of amazing. As we have gotten older, I've noticed the focus of Christmas slowly become about $$. Sad but, true. Not all in a bad way though. Mostly, as we children became adults and no longer thought "Santa" brought us our presents, we wanted to be able to give as much as receive and none of us had money to spend on one another.

I have been frustrated for several years because for me Christmas is such a special intimate day for me spiritually. It has always been my wish that we would read the Christmas story together, pray together, and do something to remember Christ on that day. For some reason, even though I do have an aunt, uncle and grandparent who are all Christians, we've never done this. I do this for myself, each year I take time to spend with God and thank him for becoming flesh...

This year, with my Dads cancer battle and resulting medical retirement, both my sister being laid off, my Uncle being out of work for 8 months and me having my hours drastically cut, well, I knew money was an issue. I had this idea that this year we would all buy only for "the babies", meaning my 2 year old nephew and one year old cousin. Thankfully everyone agreed. I like this idea because it gave us the opportunity to spoil them the way we were spoiled, and to bring a bit of the "magic" back into Christmas. We also could spend what we had on the babies, without worrying about buying for everyone, or forgetting someone.

It all turned out REALLY well. No one was left feeling bad or left out. No one felt like maybe they should have spent more, no one fretted. The babies were adorable, the parents were grateful. And, I got to focus even more astutely on Christ without being overwhelmed and distracted by the family drama!

I won't lie though, my Mom decided she wanted to give each of us some cash for Christmas, and she did. And my grandmother also gave each of us some $$ with some other small goodies. All of which I was very grateful for (it's mostly going towards school books!).

I also attended a low key Christmas Eve Svc. with my best friend Alicia and her family. We sang some of my favorite carols, read the Christmas story, and headed home, where the power was out! Alicia and I chatted about her new engagement and accumulating wedding plans...

It was a good Christmas.