And then there was Cancer

A couple of months ago my Dad felt like his throat was swollen. At first he thought it was a side effect or allergic reaction to a medication he was taking for pack pain. He stopped taking the medicine but the swelling did not go away. Around this time I also happened to be sick, with a sore throat and a head cold. At this point my Dad began to wonder if maybe he had caught the virus I had. He did in fact get sick with a similar virus so, logically, he attributed the swelling to the illness.

After a month the swelling had not gone down, and my Dad was also experiencing pressure behind his ears. He set an appointment with the primary care physician. The doctor said it did not look like strep throat so he did not need antibiotics but, that his throat looked "funny", he mentioned a possible cleft palate (that's weird, I mean why would a 52 year old man suddenly have a cleft palate?). A referral was written to an ENT.

My Dad knows his throats anatomy is not typical because he has scar tissue from being intihbated, on life support and removed, and from surgeries from a traumatic experience when he was younger.

The ENT took a look, and knowing my Dads story said everything looked more or less normal. He said their were some warts on his voice box but this is actually very typical, most people never even know they are their. However, my Dad obviously had some swelling and my Uncle (his Older brother) died shortly before his 50th birthday due to cancer of the throat. The ENT decided it was cause for concern and ordered and ultra sound of my Dads throat.

By the time of the first Ultra sound the swelling had gone down in my Dads throat, apparently the antibiotics had worked. Both my Dad and the ENT thought things would be normal but better safe than sorry. As it turned out, the first Ultra sound showed extra lymph nodes ( I don't know details here, this is what my Dad said). So, they ordered a 2nd ultrasound for a guided biopsy. Again, the ENT told my Dad not to worry as things were likely to be normal.

I had even forgotten about the whole thing. They day of the biopsy, I remembered when my Dad called me and sounded scratchy. I asked how things were and he said he was sore but otherwise fine. He had been surprised because his swelling was on the right side, and yet they biopsied the left, apparently that is where the extra lymph nodes were. It seems test results always take forever to get back and no one was worried.

Well, my brother and I are the only one's living at home right now. My sister has excommunicated herself, my Mom moved out a few months ago, and my older sister is pushing 30 and has lived on her own for awhile. Its the 3 of us and the dogs. We are rarely all here at the same time, with my brother working nights, sleeping days, and spending spare time at his girlfriends or dirtbike riding, my Dad taking care of my grandmas needs, trying to get back to work, and me working, studying, babysitting, and taking care of grandmas dog, we just aren't all together very often.

Monday we had a chance moment of us all together. I was watching a recorded episode of smallville and my brother plopped down on the couch to watch it for a minute. I paused and ran to the bathroom. When I came back Dad was talking to Warren. Then he said "Well, since I have both of you here".... at that moment I knew what was coming... somehow I knew it wasn't a lecture about money, or cleaning up after yourself, or not knowing what was going to happen with grandma...somehow I knew it was about the biopsy.... by Dad stalled, going on about the story from the beginning, which Warren and I both knew.... He finally got around to saying it...."They found cancer"... and I started balling. I didn't think I'd get so upset, I mean, we don't know much yet. But it hit me hard. No one ever wants to hear the "C" word. I immediately thought of all the times when I was 15 I wished he were dead....of all the times I imagined him in a car accident or some such craziness.... Dad went on to talk some more, about how his brother had cancer, how we don't know exactly where it is or what it is, or how bad. All we know is some cancerous cells came back. I calmed down just to look at my brother and see he too had tears streaming down his face....that never happens. My brother doesn't cry. So, I started crying again. My Dad got up, let the room, and came back. He was crying too. My Dad never cries. I walked in on him crying in the bathroom after his brother died, and he was pissed. That is the only time I had seen him cry. This time he cried freely in front of 2 of his 4 kids. He said he didn't know how to tell us this. He said his kids were his life, something he has never said before.

In that moment I realized exactly how much us kids mean to my Dad, and how much he means to us. I am ashamed to say I've yelled at my Dad in anger that he cares more about money than us. It hit home to hear him say he had waited 4 days to tell us this because he did not know how to, because we mean the world to him. I know he always wants to be there for us, to help us and care for us, he always has been, and I think we both thought he always would be, at least until we didn't need him so much anymore.

We don't know where this journey will take us yet. He may have a small tumor, or just a wary lymph node. He may need surgery, radiation, or who knows what. It my be simple and short, or they may find this is a spread of something more serious in another part of his body. We know we are in for plenty more tests and appointments, which begin with a consultation week from tomorrow.

The last two days I've gone from being "fine" and optomistic because after all, we don't know much, to crying a monsoon of tears because I think I may not get to dance to "butterfly kisses" with my Daddy at my wedding.

To think just a week ago I was telling my best friend that when my parents are old and need to be taken care of, I want to let them live with me, and when they get beyond that, I will hire someone to care for them in my home.... A week ago, cancer wasn't a part of my world. Today, it's a huge part. Bigger than I ever imagined.

But you know....God is still on his throne. He is bigger than cancer. Oh, and he is the same God he was before I knew my Dad had cancer. He hasn't changed.